Hugi.is - Notendur

blonda (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all...

Dumb Wives (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

Three guys were sitting in a bar. The first guy said, “My wife is so dumb, she carries a garage-door clicker in her car and we don't even have an automatic garage door.” The second guy said, “My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone.” “The third guy said, ”My wife is so dumb, she carries a purseful of rubbers, and she doesn't even have a cock."

50 Years Of Marriage (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

Well there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.” “Yeah”, she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.” “I know”, the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.” “Well”, Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we?” Whereupon the two stripped to...

missioner (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa, and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing that he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!! One day, the wife of one of the tribes noblemen gave birth to a white child. The village is shocked, and the chief is then sent by his people to talk with the missionary. \“You...

perfume (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

The clerk showed the guy the store's most expensive perfume. “This is called ‘Perhaps’,” said the sales clerk. “It's $285 per ounce.” “Listen,” the guy shot back, “for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called ‘Perhaps’, I want something called, ”You Can Bet Your Happy ASS You'll Get Some!"

Companionship (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A businessman checks into a very fancy hotel and tells the desk clerk that he has no meetings today and would like some “companionship”, price is no object. The desk clerk says that he understands and someone will be at his door in ten minutes. Ten minutes later there is a knock on the man's door. He opens it and sees the most beautiful woman that he has ever seen in his life. He tells her, “I'm in no hurry today, let's go real slow. What do you get for a hand-job?” She says, “$1000.” He...

al gore (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

While campaigning, Al Gore was walking thru a small town when he came upon a group of about a dozen young boys standing around a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, “What are you boys doing with that dog?” One of the boys replied, “This dog is a neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.” Of course, the vice-president was taken...

skondinn (2 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. “Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?”, he asked. “Oh no, Father. Just a little gas.” Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly. A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. “Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?”, he asked again. “Oh no, Father. Just a little gas.” She replied again. A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby...

blómasending (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

(NOTE: This is a supposedly true story). A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at the new business sight and the owner read the card: “Rest in Peace.” The owner was very angry, to say the least, and called to complain.“ Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, and sorry you were offended,” said the florist. “But even worse, somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note...

máltíð (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A Jewish family invited their Redneck neighbors over for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, “This is soup made with matzoh balls.” On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the redneck man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple urged him to, “Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it.” Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh...

smá röksemi (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her...

leiðbeiningar (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx. 2. If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the “OK” button. 3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water. 4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier. 5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of...

Rice Krispies (3 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

Q: What do Rice Krispies and Monica Lewinsky have in common? A: They both talk after being hit with a white milky substance.

Nun and the Hippie (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way Bob the bus driver says to the hippie, “If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.” The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun...

meiri redneck´s (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying “Enter here for a chance at free sex!” They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten. The first guy guesses five. The attendant says, “Sorry, but the number is eight.” The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, “Sorry, but the number was three.” As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and...

Contractor (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “GREEN SIDE UP!” In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!” The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a...

hillbilly joke (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A young hillbilly makes an announcement at the dinner table that he is going to get married. The father asks, “Do we know her?” “No”, said the young man. Then the father asks, “Is she a virgin?” “Yes”, said the young man. “Well”, said the father, “If she ain't good enough for her own family - she ain't good enough for ours!!!”

svalur kall (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?” The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15...

Hvernig heimurinn væri ef konur réði (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

Men would get reputations for sleeping around. -Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pocket. -Fewer women would diet because their ideal weight would increase by 30 pounds. -Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime. -Little girls would read “Snow White and the Seven Dorks”. -Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles because there would be no pictures. -Men would be required by law to learn phrases...

Pharmacist and Condoms (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's ”the“ night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.” The...

ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will...

nokkrir góðir (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, “Well, I guess we won't have a service today.” The farmer replied: “Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it.” During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what “Amen” means. A little boy raised his hand and said: “It means 'Tha-tha-tha- that's all folks!'” A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His...

góður þessi (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!” His buddy looks at him and...

4 Golfers Sons (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. “My son,” says one, “has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.” The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son...

ballerina (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?” The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, “Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!” The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it...

Notendur

blonda (0 álit)

Dumb Wives (0 álit)

50 Years Of Marriage (0 álit)

missioner (0 álit)

perfume (0 álit)

Companionship (0 álit)

al gore (0 álit)

skondinn (2 álit)

blómasending (0 álit)

máltíð (0 álit)

smá röksemi (0 álit)

leiðbeiningar (0 álit)

Rice Krispies (3 álit)

Nun and the Hippie (0 álit)

meiri redneck´s (0 álit)

Contractor (0 álit)

hillbilly joke (0 álit)

svalur kall (0 álit)

Hvernig heimurinn væri ef konur réði (0 álit)

Pharmacist and Condoms (0 álit)

ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND (0 álit)

nokkrir góðir (0 álit)

góður þessi (0 álit)

4 Golfers Sons (0 álit)

ballerina (0 álit)

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