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Answering Machine Messages (6 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

* Hello, you've reached Simon and Sandy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sandy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right… real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. * Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are...

Sex One-Liners (1 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goes-in-tight! What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like? Depends… What's “68”? You do me and I owe you one. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged! What do you call a man who cryes while he masturbates? A tearjerker. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and...

heimsk lög (Iowa) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Fylkislög Kisses may last for no more than five minutes. One-armed piano players must perform for free. A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public. It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp. Borgarlög Dubuque Any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building. Indianola The “Ice Cream Man” and his truck are banned. Fort Madison The fire...

heimsk lög (Indiana) (1 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Fylkislög Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday. A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b) Oral sex is illegal. A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17. It is against the law to pass a horse on the street. It is...

heimsk lög (Illinois) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

fylkislög You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person. You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of “eavesdropping” on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2. You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile. The English language is not to be spoken. Borgarlög Chicago Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire. It is illegal to give a dog whiskey....

heimsk lög (Idaho) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Fylkislög Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. You may not fish on a camel's back. Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime Borgarlög Boise Residents may not fish from a giraffe's back. Coeur d' Alene If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car. Pocatello A law passed in 1912...

World Records You Won't Find in any Book (3 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991. LONGEST PUBES Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina. MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina. ZITS In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England,> squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow puss a...

THIS is TRUE 13.10.01 (1 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

ZERO TOLERANCE GETS BACK TO NORMAL: Fifth-grader Paul Volz, 11, dealt with his fear of terrorism through art, drawing the burning World Trade Center towers. He was proud of his work: he taped the picture up near his study cubicle at school in High Ridge, Mo. “When I asked him why he did this, he just looked at me and smiled,” said North Jefferson Intermediate School principal Jeff Boyer. “This is totally inappropriate and Paul's behavior has to change,” he told the boy's parents. Boyer...

voru allir svona góðir á Valentine's Day (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Roses are red and Violets are blue, I didn't buy you anything 'cause to be honest, I really don't like you. You used to give me, candy and sweets, you used to dress sexy, as a special treat. Now all I get is a complaint or some gripe. I liked you much better before you were my wife. I once cared about who you were and about what you thought but now I know better and I'll just screw your sister until I get caught. You say I don't love you, I don't care anymore. Well guess what? You are...

smá hálka og allt í vitleisu (14 álit)

í Deiglan fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

“Suðvestlæg átt og víða hálka” Þetta er bara því miður það sem að við Íslendinarnir lifum við hér á Íslandi. En fólk virðist ekki átta sig á því þegar fyrsti hálku dagurinn kemur. Ég var á bíl í gær(aldrei eins og vant) og var á rúntinum hluta af kveldinu. Það er ekki eðlilegt hvað það voru mikið af árekstrum. Fólk var bara ekki að skilja það að það væri hálka og það yrði að passa sig á henni og dekkinn væru ekki að grípa eins vel og þau eðlilega mundu gera. Hvernig væri nú að fólk færi að...

þetta á líka við um Ísland (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in New Jersey. It is so beautiful here. The hills are so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. God's Country. I love it here! Oct. 14 New Jersey is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through some beautiful hills and spotted some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be Paradise…I love...

Bill Clinton Goes To Heaven (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Clinton died and went to heaven or to be more accurate, approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. “Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter. “'Tis I, your St. Peter, President Bill Clinton.” “And what do you want?” asked St. Peter. “Lemme in!” replied Clinton. “Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?” Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had...

The Prez and the Pope (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administration foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the Devil. He checked out all of the paperwork, called the Pearly Gates admitting office, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem. The next day the Pope was called in, the Devil said his good-bye, and he began his journey to heaven. Along the way,...

Caps (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted...

Fast Turtle (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender asks the man, “What's wrong with your turtle?” “Nothing,” the man responds, “This turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be...

Rudy the Rooster (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Farmer Brown woke up one morning to discover that his one and only rooster was dead. The chickens had started to get rather restless, so he called his friend, Farmer Black, to see if he knew any place he could get a rooster. Farmer Black told him that Farmer Red, two roads over, was trying to sell some of his roosters, Farmer Brown thanked him, and drove over to Farmer Red's. He knocked on the door and Farmer Red answered. He told him that he wanted the horniest rooster he had. He had just...

The First Realizations That You're Not In College (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

* You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed. * Beers at lunch get you reprimanded. * College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress up. * Your parents charge rent. * The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal. * It's ‘getting late’ when it's 9:30 p.m. * Three words: Student Loan Payments. * You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche. * You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively. * THEN, discussing with your...

Wish Gone Bad (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

One day a man walks into a bar with a lil man on his shoulder. The man looks all depressed and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender gives the guy a beer, then the little man runs down his arm and knocks it over. This happens a few more times, the bartender would give the guy a beer then the little man would run down his arm and knock it over. The bartender says, “Ok ill give you 1 more but thats it” So he gives the guy one beer and the guy puts his hand on the arm so the little man...

The Genie (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. “I'll give each of you one wish, that's 3 wishes total” says the genie. The Canadian says, “I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer and my son also will farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada”. With a blink of the genies eye, poof, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around...

Nokia 5510 (56 álit)

í Farsímar fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Nokia 5510 já ég rak upp stór augu þegar ég rakst á hann á netinu um daginn. Þessi sími lítur ekki út fyrir að vera sími sem verður vinsæll. En þegar ég fór að skoða hvað í honum býr þá bíst ég við þvi að Þetta verði jóla JÁ jóla síminn í ár. Þannig er nú málið að þessi sími á að koma á undann nokia 6310 og á líklega að verða sími sem að leisir 3310 og 3330 af hólmi. Þetta er tilvalinn sími fyrir ungafólkið. Hugsið ykkur að vera mikið fljótari að senda sms. Hvernig líst ykkur nú á ? General...

ómennskar kynlífskröfur (9 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Jónas Lögfræðingur var að tala við nýjan viðskiptavin, bóndakonu sem vildi fá skilnað við bóndann, manninn sinn. „Hann gerir ómennskar kynlífskröfur kröfur til mín,“ sagði hún. „Hvað meinarðu með því?“ spurði Jónas. „Jú, sjáðu til, um daginn stóð ég og var að horfa á kjúklingana og þá kom hann allt í einu aftan að mér og tók mig bara á staðnum.“ „Kjúklingana?“ spurði Jónas. „Ég vissi ekki að þið væruð með hænur.“ „Nei, við erum ekki með hænur,“ sagði hún. „Þetta var við frystikistuna í kaupfélaginu.“

First In Line (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A Sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar and was trying to get laid without much success. “I don't date servicemen,” she said, “but I am curious as to why you sailors have those two rows of buttons on your pants.” “Why, that's because we have two dicks,” the sailor replied. “Interesting, probably twice as much fun,” replied the blonde, “let's go to my place and try them out.” So they did, and after the first screwing the blonde says, “Boy, that was sure nice. Now that I'm rested and...

How To Give Your Cat A Pill (2 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in...

The Blonde at Wal-Mart (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.” Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a...

My Dad's dating Rules (2 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

My Dad's Dating Rules Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them for you. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that...

Notendur

Answering Machine Messages (6 álit)

Sex One-Liners (1 álit)

heimsk lög (Iowa) (0 álit)

heimsk lög (Indiana) (1 álit)

heimsk lög (Illinois) (0 álit)

heimsk lög (Idaho) (0 álit)

World Records You Won't Find in any Book (3 álit)

THIS is TRUE 13.10.01 (1 álit)

voru allir svona góðir á Valentine's Day (0 álit)

smá hálka og allt í vitleisu (14 álit)

þetta á líka við um Ísland (0 álit)

Bill Clinton Goes To Heaven (0 álit)

The Prez and the Pope (0 álit)

Caps (0 álit)

Fast Turtle (0 álit)

Rudy the Rooster (0 álit)

The First Realizations That You're Not In College (0 álit)

Wish Gone Bad (0 álit)

The Genie (0 álit)

Nokia 5510 (56 álit)

ómennskar kynlífskröfur (9 álit)

First In Line (0 álit)

How To Give Your Cat A Pill (2 álit)

The Blonde at Wal-Mart (0 álit)

My Dad's dating Rules (2 álit)

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