Hugi.is - Notendur

Military Rules Of Combat (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

* If the enemy is in range, so are you. * Incoming fire has the right of way. * Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. * There is always a way. * The easy way is always mined. * Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. * Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. * The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them and when you're not ready for them. * Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. * If you...

The Camel (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel.” The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I...

Who Is The Bravest? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest. To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: “Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing ‘Wild Blue Yonder’, and then jump off!” “YES SIR!” replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem,salutes, and jumps off, hitting the ground at...

Top Cigar Ad Slogans (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

These aren't your father's cigars … or your mother's, for that matter. *When's the last time you had a good stiff Cuban? *Because size really does matter. *The bigger the hole, the bigger we roll. *Available in small, medium, and donkey sizes. *The “fun-to-put-in” carcinogen! *New ribs for her pleasure. (oops.. that was for condoms) *After a strokin' it's still good for smokin'. *Long enough for a man, but made for a woman. *Won't leave a mess all over her dress! *All the flavor of a fine...

Advice From Former Presidents (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, “George, you were always wise, what should I do?” Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, “ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER.” Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he'll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to Americas author...

Agony (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, “Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I...

True Confessions Of A Golfer (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.” “What is your sin, my child?” the priest asks back. “Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.” “When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest. “I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only...

13 Things You Won't Hear At The Daytona 500 (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

13) “None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.” 12) “Tampax! Get cha Tampax here!” 11) “Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race.” 10) “Sex with your sister!? Man, that's sick.” 9) “My GOD, this is a splendid Merlot!” 8) “Hey, you with the large breasts – out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!” 7) “Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attaché case, then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.” 6) “What a coincidence, Hank – all...

The Game Warden (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to “enforce the laws pending.” He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, “Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?” The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, “This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?” The hunter...

The Old Golfer (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But,...

Redneck Logic (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. “What's logic?” the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?” “I sure do.” “Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor. “That's real good!” says the redneck. The professor continues, “Logic will...

Guide To Southern Talk (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

The Southern vocabulary is similar to the rest of the Nation's - it only sounds different. The following is a sample to help all Yankees, in hope that it will teach them how to talk right. Ah - The things you see with. Aig - Which came first, the chicken or the aig? Arn - An electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing. Ay-rab - The people who inhabit much of North Africa. Bawl - What water does. Bidness - The art of selling something for more than you paid for it. Bobbycue -...

Van Gogh's Relatives (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

His obnoxious brother………………………..Please Gogh His dizzy aunt …………………………….Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes……………….Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store……Stopn Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia…………………U Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white……….Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois……………………….Chica Gogh His magician uncle……………………Wherediddy Gogh His Mexican cousin…………………………….Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half brother……….Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stage...

Santa's Little Friend (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, “What would you like for Christmas?” The kid says, “A damn swingset.” Santa says, “You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?” The kid says, “A damn sandbox for the side yard.” Santa says, “That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?” The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, “I want a damn trampoline in the front yard.”...

Games to Play at Work (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the sameoutfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That's a good point, Sparky.” “No I'm sorry, I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.” Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're...

Interview (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” asked the interviewer. “Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant. “Did you see any active duty?” “I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.” “May I ask what happened?” “Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.” “You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.” The man asked, “When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”...

Forced Retirement (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure...

Taking Up A Collection (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving.” He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, “Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?” The officer replies, “The President just found out he was impeached and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to...

Í Víetnam.. (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Pentagonið fattaði allt í einu að þeir voru með allt of marga hershöfðingja og fóru að bjóða þeim elstu að fara snemma á eftirlaun. Vegna dræmra undirtekta höfðingjanna lofuðu að greiða þeim sem hættu strax full eftirlaun og að auki hundrað þúsund fyrir hvern sentimetra sem hægt væri að mæla í beinni línu eftir líkama þeirra milli einhverra líkamshluta, sem þeir sjálfir máttu velja. Einn samþykkti strax, gamall flughermaður. Hann bað um að hann yrði mældur milli táa og ennis. 1.85m var...

Hvað er hægt að gera við Osaman bin Laden (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

> Subject: Hvað er hægt að gera við Osaman bin Laden ?? > > > > > > I think I've got it…. > > Killing him will only create a martyr. > Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to > demand his release. > > Therefore, I suggest we do neither. > > Let the SAS, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an > undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex > change operation. > Then we return ‘her’ to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the >...

heimsk lög (Florida) (3 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Fylkislög Florida Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Having sexual relations with a porcupine...

heimsk lög (Georgia) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Fylkislög: Georgia It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office. You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by “fighting” words. Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session. Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. Signs are required to be written in English. No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday. Borgarlög: Acworth All citizens...

heimsk lög (Delaware) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Fylkislög: Delaware It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink. Borgarlög: Lewes It is illegal to wear pants that are “firm fitting” around the waist. Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment

heimskt fólk :) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Einu sinni var strákur sem fór með mömmu sinni og pabba á strippstað þá sagði mamma hanns honum að fara að leika sér hann kom stuttu síðar aftur og sagði við mömmu sína að hann hafi séð konu með miklu miklu miklu stærri brjóst en þú þá sagði mamma hanns að það væru heimskar konur með stór brjóst. Og þá fór hann aftur að leika sér svo kom hann til mömmu sinnar og sagði að hann hafði séð kall með miklu stærra tippi en pabbi þá sagði mamma hanns að það væru bara heimskir kallar með stór tippi....

einn gamall (aldarmót) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

The world is coming to an end in three days, and God wants to warn the world. So he decides to bring the three most important people into Heaven so they can relay the message. He calls up Ross Perot, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates and tells them the story. When they get back down Clinton calls a Press conference and tells the country:“I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a god, and the bad news is the world is coming to an end in three days.” Ross Perot calls a...

Notendur

Military Rules Of Combat (0 álit)

The Camel (0 álit)

Who Is The Bravest? (0 álit)

Top Cigar Ad Slogans (0 álit)

Advice From Former Presidents (0 álit)

Agony (0 álit)

True Confessions Of A Golfer (0 álit)

13 Things You Won't Hear At The Daytona 500 (0 álit)

The Game Warden (0 álit)

The Old Golfer (0 álit)

Redneck Logic (0 álit)

Guide To Southern Talk (0 álit)

Van Gogh's Relatives (0 álit)

Santa's Little Friend (0 álit)

Games to Play at Work (0 álit)

Interview (0 álit)

Forced Retirement (0 álit)

Taking Up A Collection (0 álit)

Í Víetnam.. (0 álit)

Hvað er hægt að gera við Osaman bin Laden (0 álit)

heimsk lög (Florida) (3 álit)

heimsk lög (Georgia) (0 álit)

heimsk lög (Delaware) (0 álit)

heimskt fólk :) (0 álit)

einn gamall (aldarmót) (0 álit)

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