Hugi.is - Notendur

Signs You're At A Wedding in Tennessee (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

* The rehearsal dinner is held at Hooters. * Instead of “friends of the bride or friends of the groom?”, ushers ask “Ford or Chevy?” * Bridesmaids wear pink tube tops and the groomsmen wear Travis Tritt t-shirts. * Phrase “I Do” is replaced by “I Heard That!” * Tender rendition of “The Wedding Song” is replaced by “Rocky Top” and performed by Boxcar Willie. * When the minister asks, “Who Giveth This Woman To Be Married…” some guy in the back stands up and hollers “Earnhardt!” * Reception...

Short Jokes on Valintines (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hog and kisses! What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love? A stupid cupid! Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day! Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental! What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? “I'm sweet on you!” What did the paper clip say to the magnet? “I find you very attractive.” What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's...

Why cares (2 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

There's a fat black guy and a funny black guy there both about to get shot. why die's first.. who cares……

Back Seat (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a “lovers point” where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her “Do you want to go in the back seat?” “NO!” she answered. Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, “Do you want to go in the back seat?” “NO!” she answers again. Now he...

What's It Cost? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?” At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:...

What If Your Dog's Name Was Penis (1 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Penis? * My Penis ate my homework. * Oh, no! My Penis is frothing at the mouth! * Sorry I'm late. I was playing with my Penis. * I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep my Penis on a leash. * My Penis doesn't come when I call it. * My Penis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. * I love giving my Penis a bath. * At night, I sleep with my Penis in my hands. * My Penis likes it when people pet him. * My Penis...

Penis Study (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that it was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted...

Disbelief (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling? “I've never felt better,” he replies. “I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?” The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidently grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near...

A Penguin (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again. So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says “Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!” The guy there says, “OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin.” “What's a...

Witch Is Which? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the whorehouse, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used “blow-up” dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead....

Horseback Riding (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrups, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged the horse.

The Smartest Man In The World (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. “Gentlemen,” he began, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash. The good news is...

Sherlock Holmes (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that...

What's It Cost? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?” At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:...

The Solution (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final they had a solid “A”. They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends. They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam. Rather than taking the final then,...

The Smartest Man In The World (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. “Gentlemen,” he began, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash. The good news is...

Sherlock Holmes (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that...

Divisional Manager (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?” The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “twenty-two.” The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Comm. of Stamp Duties,...

You Might Be A Firefighter If... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

* You run towards a dangerous situation and not away from it. * You have ever uttered the words, “I can break the door if you need me to Cap,” before actually testing to see if it is locked. * You have ever been dressed from head to foot in rubber and it was not a sexual experience. * Your idea of ventilation is done with a chainsaw and not a Bag-Valve-Mask. * You have ever had a passionate disagreement on the BEST color to paint a fire vehicle.

Adventures In Honeymooning (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

The newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out that they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. “OK, honey,” he says, “this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll...

An Answer For Everything (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.” The wife stopped to listen. He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast...

The Irish Wedding Reception (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, “Silence in Court.” The court...

Home Repairs (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, “Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?” Her husband snarled, “What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?” and sat down on the sofa....

Is That All... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and...

Military Food Chain (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A young Second Lieutenant approaches the crusty old CSM and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias. The CSM replied, “It's history and tradition … First we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable and also malleable. The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable. When you make Captain, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Colonel you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a General, you are, obviously,...

Notendur

Signs You're At A Wedding in Tennessee (0 álit)

Short Jokes on Valintines (0 álit)

Why cares (2 álit)

Back Seat (0 álit)

What's It Cost? (0 álit)

What If Your Dog's Name Was Penis (1 álit)

Penis Study (0 álit)

Disbelief (0 álit)

A Penguin (0 álit)

Witch Is Which? (0 álit)

Horseback Riding (0 álit)

The Smartest Man In The World (0 álit)

Sherlock Holmes (0 álit)

What's It Cost? (0 álit)

The Solution (0 álit)

The Smartest Man In The World (0 álit)

Sherlock Holmes (0 álit)

Divisional Manager (0 álit)

You Might Be A Firefighter If... (0 álit)

Adventures In Honeymooning (0 álit)

An Answer For Everything (0 álit)

The Irish Wedding Reception (0 álit)

Home Repairs (0 álit)

Is That All... (0 álit)

Military Food Chain (0 álit)

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