Hugi.is - Notendur

kostir við bæði kynin (2 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

WOMEN: Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a “safe at home call” from a friend after a long drive home. They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home mums, biker babes, and your neighbours. They wear suits, jeans,...

I don't feel like it (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But, then the wife stops and says “I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” The husband says, “WHAT??” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So, the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive...

góðar leiðbeiningar (þú liggur í krampa yfir þess) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

Hér má finna ýmis skilaboð sem að fyrirtæki hafa sett á vöru sína til að vara okkur, heimska neytendurna, við ýmsum hættum. Leiðbeiningar á Sears hárblásurum: “Do not use while sleeping” Einmitt þegar mér finnst skemmtilegast að dúlla í hárinu á mér. Þetta stóð á umbúðum utan af Dial sápu: “Use like regular soap” Og hvernig á aftur að nota svoleiðis? Á umbúðum af SWANN frystimat: “Serving suggestion: Defrost” Mundu samt … þetta er bara uppástunga. Hótel lét baðhettu í boxi fylgja með hverju...

kanína (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

Það var einu sinni kanína sem kom inní sjoppu og sagði, ég ætla að fá eina gulrót. Þá sagði afgreiðslumaðurinn, við seljum ekki gulrætur. Svo fór kanínan út og kom svo aftur næsta dag, ég ætla að fá eina gulrót. Við seljum ekki gulrætur, sagði afrgreiðslumaðurinn. Svo gekk þetta í nokkra daga… Svo einn daginn kom kanínan, ég ætla að fá eina gulrót. Þá var afgreiðslumaðurinn orðinn frekar reiður, ef þú kemur einu sinni enn og biður um gulrót að þá negli ég eyrun á þér föst við gólfið! Svo...

hann engel er ógeðslegur (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

Engel fór til læknis útaf sársauka í rassgatinu… læknirinn fór í hanska og tróð hendinni inní og byrjaði að leita. Er það hérna? sagði læknirinn. Neeei aðeins til hægri, sagði Engel. Læknirinn tróð hendinni lengra inn og leitaði vel og fann loks eitthvað og dró það út, hva… hér er rós, sagði hann. Þá sagði Engel, já hún er handa þér.

20ft Birdie Putt (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

One day a young fella walked into the golf course club house looking for a game. The attendant said there was a young lady about to tee off on the first tee by herself The young fella went out and joined her for 18 holes. When on the 18th green, the young fella had a 25ft putt for a birdie and the young lady had a 20ft birdie putt. The young fella was about to putt his 25 footer , when he stopped and looked up at the young lady and said, “You know, I've enjoyed myself so much today that if I...

Van Gogh's Relatives (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

His obnoxious brother………………………..Please Gogh His dizzy aunt …………………………….Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes……………….Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store……Stopn Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia…………………U Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white……….Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois……………………….Chica Gogh His magician uncle……………………Wherediddy Gogh His Mexican cousin…………………………….Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half brother……….Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stage...

Short Job Related Jokes 4 (síðasti) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

While the US stock market is at an all time high, the ups and downs frighten a lot of small investors like me. I went to my financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried. He replied that he slept like a baby. I was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?” He said, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours.” OFFICE PRAYER “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I cannot...

Short Job Related Jokes 3 (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, “Have you got any books about committing suicide?” The librarian said, “Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf.” The chap came back a few moments later and said, “I can't find any at all.” The librarian replied, “Yes, it's awful. The swines never bring ‘em back!” ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK: 12% Monday 23% Tuesday 40% Wednesday 20% Thursday 5% Friday Two postal workers had just gotten off their routes for the day when...

Short Job Related Jokes 2 (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits. What's the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem, you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand. What does an accountant do for birth control? He talks about his business. What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own. What's an...

Short Job Related Jokes (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. “That customer's going to come back here pretty mad,” he said to his boss. “Should I give him his money back?” “Money back?” roared the boss. “What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat.” My Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. I asked him what happened. “You know what a foreman is?” he asked. “The one who stands around and...

How much? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

New people were entering college so the Dean went over the rules. He firmly stated that no boy could go in the girl bunk and no girl could go in the boy bunk. He said if you do you must pay a fine. $25 the fisrt time, $50 the second time and so on and so on. One kid raised his hands and asked “How much for a year round pass?”

A Penguin (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again. So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says “Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!” The guy there says, “OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin.” “What's a...

Blonde Shorts (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

What did the blonde's mom say to her before she went out? If you're not in bed by midnight, come home. What is a blonde's mating call? “I'm so drunk!” What's a blondes idea of natural childbirth? No make-up. What does a blonde make for dinner? Reservations. Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box. Did you hear about the blonde who got locked in the bathroom? She was in there so long, she peed her pants. How many blondes does it take to make...

Kona á bar... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

Barþjónn er að vinna á bar eitt kvöldið og er frekar mikið að gera. Þegar líður á kvöldið kemur þessi brjálaða gella uppað barborðinu og er í fötum sem eru ekkert rosalega neitt að fela rosalega mikið af líkama hennar. Barþjónnin fer til hennar og spyr hvað hana langi í. Hún svarar, “Ég er að leita að eigandanum”. Hann: “Hann er nú bara ekki við í kvöld, er eitthvað sem ég get gert fyrir þig” Þá teygir hún sig svona soldið yfir barborðið þannig að hann fær jafnvel betra útsýni yfir brjóstin...

nokrir ljóskubrandarar (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

ég er viss um að eitthvað af þeim hefur komið áður Af hverju tvöfalda ljóskur ekki uppskriftir? Vegna þess að ofninn kemst ekki hærra en 350°c Varstu búinn að heyra um Ljóshærða úlfinn? Hann festist í gildru, og nagaði af sér 3 lappir og var samt fastur. Varstu búinn að heyra um ljóskuna sem setti köttinn sin í bað? Hún er ekki en búinn að ná öllum hárunum af tungunni á sér. Afhverju tala ljóskur ekki þegar á kynlífi stendur? Mömmur þeirra sögðu þeim að tala ekki við ókunuga og mömmur þeirra...

smá pælingar (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

Fyrst það eru björgunarvesti undir flugvélasætum .. skildu þá vera fallhlífar undir sætunum í Akraborginni? Þarftu hljóðdeyfi ef þú ætlar að skjóta látbragðsleikara? Afhverju er Tarzan ekki með skegg? ímyndaðu þér veröld þar sem ekki væri hægt að ímynda sér. Gæinn sem ekur snjóruðningsbílnum .. hvernig kemst hann í vinnuna á morgnana? Ef að belja myndi hlæja .. myndi þá mjólk spýtast út um nefið á henni? Ef að þú bindur brauð með sultu á bakið á ketti .. og lætur detta niður á gólf .. myndi...

einn bjór takk.................. (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

Eitt sinn labbaði maður inn á bar og sagði við barþjóninn,láttu mig nú fá einn bjór áður en blessuð lætin byrja,og hann fékk hann.5 min seinna mætir maðurinn aftur við barinn og segir láttu mig nú fá einn bjor áður en blessuð lætin byrja,og já já hann fékk hann.svona gekk þetta þangað til maðurinn kom í 9 skiptið og sagði enn einu sinni,láttu mig nú fá einn bjór áður en blessuð lætin byrja,þá sagði barþjónnin,hvernig væri nú að borga hina 8 bjórana áður en þú færð þann 9………….þá muldraði...

You Might Be A Firefighter If... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

* You run towards a dangerous situation and not away from it. * You have ever uttered the words, “I can break the door if you need me to Cap,” before actually testing to see if it is locked. * You have ever been dressed from head to foot in rubber and it was not a sexual experience. * Your idea of ventilation is done with a chainsaw and not a Bag-Valve-Mask. * You have ever had a passionate disagreement on the BEST color to paint a fire vehicle.

Cinderella's Fella (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

A man is driving home late one Halloween night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks...

The Message (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. “Are you the landlord?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no” he replies. “Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?” she asks, running her hands up beyond his...

The Blind Carpenter (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, “I am a blind carpenter and I need a job.” The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, “If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?” The blind carpenter says, “I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell.” The foreman says “O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job.” The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, “I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell...

Randy The Rooster (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster and told this to the market vendor. The vendor replied: “I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!” So the farmer bought Randy and took him back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Randy a little pep talk: “Randy,” he said, “I'm counting on you to do your stuff.” And with that,...

Redneck Dictionary (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

HEIDI - noun. Greeting. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: “Heidi, hire yew?” BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.” MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and I ain't herd from him in munts.” THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: “Ah thank ah'll have a bare.” BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: “Ah thank...

Penis Study (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 9 mánuðum

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that it was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted...

Notendur

kostir við bæði kynin (2 álit)

I don't feel like it (0 álit)

góðar leiðbeiningar (þú liggur í krampa yfir þess) (0 álit)

kanína (0 álit)

hann engel er ógeðslegur (0 álit)

20ft Birdie Putt (0 álit)

Van Gogh's Relatives (0 álit)

Short Job Related Jokes 4 (síðasti) (0 álit)

Short Job Related Jokes 3 (0 álit)

Short Job Related Jokes 2 (0 álit)

Short Job Related Jokes (0 álit)

How much? (0 álit)

A Penguin (0 álit)

Blonde Shorts (0 álit)

Kona á bar... (0 álit)

nokrir ljóskubrandarar (0 álit)

smá pælingar (0 álit)

einn bjór takk.................. (0 álit)

You Might Be A Firefighter If... (0 álit)

Cinderella's Fella (0 álit)

The Message (0 álit)

The Blind Carpenter (0 álit)

Randy The Rooster (0 álit)

Redneck Dictionary (0 álit)

Penis Study (0 álit)

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