Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem, you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

What does an accountant do for birth control?
He talks about his business.

What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

What's an insolvency practitioner?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.

What does it mean when the Post Office flies the American Flag half mast?
They're hiring!

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
Mechanic.

Since her return to the UK, Louise Woodward has secured herself a job at McDonalds. All children get a free shake!

Why did the furniture salesman take six backless chairs to the doctor's office?
Because the doctor wanted to get a stool sample.








A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. “Are you hiring any help?” she asked.

“No,” he said. “We already have all the staff we need.”

“Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?” she asked.







A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, “Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything.”






A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying “5 boxes for a dollar.” Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.

He said, “Oh yes, 5 for a dollar.”

She said, “That can't be right !”

The clerk says, “Oh yes, it's right! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached.”





“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, Sir,” the new employee replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.”