Hugi.is - Notendur

The Smartest Man In The World (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. “Gentlemen,” he began, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash. The good news is...

Sherlock Holmes (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that...

Divisional Manager (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?” The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “twenty-two.” The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Comm. of Stamp Duties,...

You Might Be A Firefighter If... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

* You run towards a dangerous situation and not away from it. * You have ever uttered the words, “I can break the door if you need me to Cap,” before actually testing to see if it is locked. * You have ever been dressed from head to foot in rubber and it was not a sexual experience. * Your idea of ventilation is done with a chainsaw and not a Bag-Valve-Mask. * You have ever had a passionate disagreement on the BEST color to paint a fire vehicle.

Adventures In Honeymooning (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

The newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out that they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. “OK, honey,” he says, “this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll...

An Answer For Everything (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.” The wife stopped to listen. He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast...

The Irish Wedding Reception (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, “Silence in Court.” The court...

Home Repairs (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, “Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?” Her husband snarled, “What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?” and sat down on the sofa....

Is That All... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and...

Military Food Chain (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

A young Second Lieutenant approaches the crusty old CSM and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias. The CSM replied, “It's history and tradition … First we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable and also malleable. The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable. When you make Captain, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Colonel you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a General, you are, obviously,...

Military Rules Of Combat (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

* If the enemy is in range, so are you. * Incoming fire has the right of way. * Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. * There is always a way. * The easy way is always mined. * Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. * Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. * The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them and when you're not ready for them. * Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. * If you...

The Camel (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel.” The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I...

Who Is The Bravest? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest. To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: “Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing ‘Wild Blue Yonder’, and then jump off!” “YES SIR!” replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem,salutes, and jumps off, hitting the ground at...

Top Cigar Ad Slogans (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

These aren't your father's cigars … or your mother's, for that matter. *When's the last time you had a good stiff Cuban? *Because size really does matter. *The bigger the hole, the bigger we roll. *Available in small, medium, and donkey sizes. *The “fun-to-put-in” carcinogen! *New ribs for her pleasure. (oops.. that was for condoms) *After a strokin' it's still good for smokin'. *Long enough for a man, but made for a woman. *Won't leave a mess all over her dress! *All the flavor of a fine...

Advice From Former Presidents (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, “George, you were always wise, what should I do?” Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, “ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER.” Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he'll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to Americas author...

Agony (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, “Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I...

True Confessions Of A Golfer (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.” “What is your sin, my child?” the priest asks back. “Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.” “When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest. “I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only...

13 Things You Won't Hear At The Daytona 500 (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

13) “None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.” 12) “Tampax! Get cha Tampax here!” 11) “Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race.” 10) “Sex with your sister!? Man, that's sick.” 9) “My GOD, this is a splendid Merlot!” 8) “Hey, you with the large breasts – out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!” 7) “Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attaché case, then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.” 6) “What a coincidence, Hank – all...

The Game Warden (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to “enforce the laws pending.” He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, “Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?” The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, “This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?” The hunter...

The Old Golfer (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But,...

Redneck Logic (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. “What's logic?” the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?” “I sure do.” “Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor. “That's real good!” says the redneck. The professor continues, “Logic will...

Guide To Southern Talk (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

The Southern vocabulary is similar to the rest of the Nation's - it only sounds different. The following is a sample to help all Yankees, in hope that it will teach them how to talk right. Ah - The things you see with. Aig - Which came first, the chicken or the aig? Arn - An electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing. Ay-rab - The people who inhabit much of North Africa. Bawl - What water does. Bidness - The art of selling something for more than you paid for it. Bobbycue -...

Van Gogh's Relatives (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

His obnoxious brother………………………..Please Gogh His dizzy aunt …………………………….Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes……………….Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store……Stopn Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia…………………U Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white……….Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois……………………….Chica Gogh His magician uncle……………………Wherediddy Gogh His Mexican cousin…………………………….Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half brother……….Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stage...

Santa's Little Friend (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, “What would you like for Christmas?” The kid says, “A damn swingset.” Santa says, “You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?” The kid says, “A damn sandbox for the side yard.” Santa says, “That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?” The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, “I want a damn trampoline in the front yard.”...

Games to Play at Work (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the sameoutfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That's a good point, Sparky.” “No I'm sorry, I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.” Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're...

Notendur

The Smartest Man In The World (0 álit)

Sherlock Holmes (0 álit)

Divisional Manager (0 álit)

You Might Be A Firefighter If... (0 álit)

Adventures In Honeymooning (0 álit)

An Answer For Everything (0 álit)

The Irish Wedding Reception (0 álit)

Home Repairs (0 álit)

Is That All... (0 álit)

Military Food Chain (0 álit)

Military Rules Of Combat (0 álit)

The Camel (0 álit)

Who Is The Bravest? (0 álit)

Top Cigar Ad Slogans (0 álit)

Advice From Former Presidents (0 álit)

Agony (0 álit)

True Confessions Of A Golfer (0 álit)

13 Things You Won't Hear At The Daytona 500 (0 álit)

The Game Warden (0 álit)

The Old Golfer (0 álit)

Redneck Logic (0 álit)

Guide To Southern Talk (0 álit)

Van Gogh's Relatives (0 álit)

Santa's Little Friend (0 álit)

Games to Play at Work (0 álit)

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