Hugi.is - Notendur

Interview (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” asked the interviewer. “Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant. “Did you see any active duty?” “I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.” “May I ask what happened?” “Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.” “You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.” The man asked, “When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”...

Forced Retirement (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure...

Taking Up A Collection (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving.” He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, “Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?” The officer replies, “The President just found out he was impeached and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to...

Í Víetnam.. (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Pentagonið fattaði allt í einu að þeir voru með allt of marga hershöfðingja og fóru að bjóða þeim elstu að fara snemma á eftirlaun. Vegna dræmra undirtekta höfðingjanna lofuðu að greiða þeim sem hættu strax full eftirlaun og að auki hundrað þúsund fyrir hvern sentimetra sem hægt væri að mæla í beinni línu eftir líkama þeirra milli einhverra líkamshluta, sem þeir sjálfir máttu velja. Einn samþykkti strax, gamall flughermaður. Hann bað um að hann yrði mældur milli táa og ennis. 1.85m var...

Hvað er hægt að gera við Osaman bin Laden (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

> Subject: Hvað er hægt að gera við Osaman bin Laden ?? > > > > > > I think I've got it…. > > Killing him will only create a martyr. > Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to > demand his release. > > Therefore, I suggest we do neither. > > Let the SAS, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an > undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex > change operation. > Then we return ‘her’ to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the >...

Smáralind ! ! ! (4 álit)

í Tilveran fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

pælið í því að ef að smáralindinn væri í rauninni ekki að opna í smáralind…….. ……heldur væri að opna í rassgatinu á þér. humm á morgun mundid fólk bíða fyrir utann rassgatið á þér í röðum til að komast inn því að allir jú vilja skoða. svo væri búið að troða upp tónleka sal inn í rassinn á þér svo að hjómsveitir væru að keppast við það að fá að spila inn í rassinum á þér. fólk mundi keppast við það að fá borð á veitingastað sem að væri upp í rassinum á þér. svo um jólinn væri fólk í svo miklu...

Húrra fyrir BOSS (11 álit)

í Tilveran fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

ég vildi bara óska honum BOSS til hamingju með að það að vera sá eini sem að stundar huga sem að langar til að hann leggist niður. humm hvernig tek ég þess afstöðu …….jú ef eitthver hérna inni er activur þá skal BOSS fara að dissa. með öðrum orðum: BOSS hoppaðu í hafið og taktu WILLE með þér. <br><br><b>****************************************************************************************** Ég er dæmdur til lífs eftir dauða. -psycho 2001</b> líttu á heima síðuna mína <a...

heimsk lög (Florida) (3 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Fylkislög Florida Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Having sexual relations with a porcupine...

heimsk lög (Georgia) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Fylkislög: Georgia It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office. You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by “fighting” words. Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session. Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. Signs are required to be written in English. No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday. Borgarlög: Acworth All citizens...

heimsk lög (Delaware) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Fylkislög: Delaware It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink. Borgarlög: Lewes It is illegal to wear pants that are “firm fitting” around the waist. Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment

heimskt fólk :) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Einu sinni var strákur sem fór með mömmu sinni og pabba á strippstað þá sagði mamma hanns honum að fara að leika sér hann kom stuttu síðar aftur og sagði við mömmu sína að hann hafi séð konu með miklu miklu miklu stærri brjóst en þú þá sagði mamma hanns að það væru heimskar konur með stór brjóst. Og þá fór hann aftur að leika sér svo kom hann til mömmu sinnar og sagði að hann hafði séð kall með miklu stærra tippi en pabbi þá sagði mamma hanns að það væru bara heimskir kallar með stór tippi....

einn gamall (aldarmót) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

The world is coming to an end in three days, and God wants to warn the world. So he decides to bring the three most important people into Heaven so they can relay the message. He calls up Ross Perot, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates and tells them the story. When they get back down Clinton calls a Press conference and tells the country:“I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a god, and the bad news is the world is coming to an end in three days.” Ross Perot calls a...

þessar elskur eru svo vitlausar (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

- Maður labbar inn til læknis og segir: “Læknir, læknir þú verður að hjálpa mér.Mér er svo hræðilega illt í andlitinu” “Er þér illt í andlitinu?” spyr læknirinn. “Sjáðu” segir maðurinn. (bendir með vísifingri á ennið)…ÆÆÆ!…(bendir með vísifingri á nefið)…æææ!…(bendir með vísifingri á hökuna)…æææ…Læknirinn:“seigðu mér, ertuu frá Hafnaffirði?” Maðurinn: “já hverni vissiru það”? Læknirinn:“þú ert greinilega með brotin vísifingur.”

nokkrir stuttir (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Q: What do vegetarian worms eat? A: Linda McCartney Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A: One is made out of plastic and is dangerous for the children to play with, the other is used to carry groceries. Q: Why do scottish men wear kilts? A: Because sheeps can hear a zipper from like a mile away!! Q: How do you know if a woman has an orgasm? A: Who cares?? Q: What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave? A: A microwave stops when you open the door…

Japanskur túristi í Ameríku (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and asked to be taken out to O'Hare Airport. On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, “Ohhh!!! TOYOTA!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!” Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. “Ohh!!! NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!” Yet another zipped by, “Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!” The taxi driver, complete 100% American, was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing...

Vinkonurnar (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Tvær vinkonur, ljóska og rauðka, voru eitt sinn á gangi þegar svo vildi til að þær gengu fram hjá blómabúð og sáu hvar kærasti þeirrar rauðhærðu var að kaupa blóm. Hún stundi þungan þegar hún sá þetta og sagði: “fjárinn, kærastinn minn er enn einu sinni að kaupa blóm handa mér án nokkurrar ástæðu.” Ljóskan leit furðu lostin á vinkonu sína og spurði: “Af hverju finnst þér ekki gaman að fá blóm?” Sú rauðhærða svaraði: “jú, jú… en hann er bara alltaf með svo miklar væntingar þegar hann gefur...

Witch Is Which? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the whorehouse, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used “blow-up” dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead....

You Work For The Government If... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

* You understand the rationalization of an acronym comprised of acronyms. * You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do. * You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to it's importance. (1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor. (2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention. * You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is...

Redneck Logic (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. “What's logic?” the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?” “I sure do.” “Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor. “That's real good!” says the redneck. The professor continues, “Logic will...

Woof Woof (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse attached around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who is already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and notices the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, “How many pounds?” The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds...

Actual School Excuse Notes (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Actual School Excuse Notes These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country: 1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. 2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33. 4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. 5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a...

Pissing Vodka (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Igor, a successful Russian agrarian, is walking along the shore of the Black Sea. He finds an odd shaped lamp, so he picks it up and rubs it in jest. Out pops a Genie and promises to grant Igor only one wish. “Gee, I have everything I need. I have a beautiful loving spouse, more money than I could ever spend, and I am free to travel anywhere in the world tending to my business interests. I really can't think of anything that I really need,” says Igor. “Think hard,” says the Genie, “there...

The Old Golfer (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But,...

Félagslíf og ekki félagslíf (12 álit)

í Skóli fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Nú hefur mikið borið á því að Iðnskólinn í Reykjarvík (IR) og Iðnskólinn í Hafnarfyrði (IH) hafi verið með sameiginlegar skemtanir svo sem ball (á fimturdaginn síðasta), bjórkvöld (oft) og svo má nátúrulega ekki gleima Smell (haldinn X8 á ári(annað stæsta lan á íslandi eftir skjálfta). þetta þíðir það að Iðnskólarnir sem að allir hafa verið að tala um síðustu ár að það sé ekki neitt félagslíf, séu bara með gott félagsíf. það er orðin staðreind í dag að það er mikið og mjög góðar skemtanir...

It's Kinda Dark In Here (1 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 6 mánuðum

Every time Peter's mother invited her lover to their home, she put Peter in the closet. One day her husband came home early, so her lover quickly hid in the closet with the boy. “Hey, mister,” Peter said, “it's kinda dark in here, isn't it?” “Why, yes, as a matter of fact it is.” “Hey, you wouldn't want to buy my old baseball, would you? My dad just bought me a new one.” “No, you don't really need baseballs in my line of work.” “If you don't buy my baseball,” Peter said, “I'll tell my dad...

Notendur

Interview (0 álit)

Forced Retirement (0 álit)

Taking Up A Collection (0 álit)

Í Víetnam.. (0 álit)

Hvað er hægt að gera við Osaman bin Laden (0 álit)

Smáralind ! ! ! (4 álit)

Húrra fyrir BOSS (11 álit)

heimsk lög (Florida) (3 álit)

heimsk lög (Georgia) (0 álit)

heimsk lög (Delaware) (0 álit)

heimskt fólk :) (0 álit)

einn gamall (aldarmót) (0 álit)

þessar elskur eru svo vitlausar (0 álit)

nokkrir stuttir (0 álit)

Japanskur túristi í Ameríku (0 álit)

Vinkonurnar (0 álit)

Witch Is Which? (0 álit)

You Work For The Government If... (0 álit)

Redneck Logic (0 álit)

Woof Woof (0 álit)

Actual School Excuse Notes (0 álit)

Pissing Vodka (0 álit)

The Old Golfer (0 álit)

Félagslíf og ekki félagslíf (12 álit)

It's Kinda Dark In Here (1 álit)

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