Hugi.is - Notendur

God-in-Law (1 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk. “So, what are you doing right now?” asks the father. “I am a theology scholar,” replies the fiance. “Do you have any plans of employment?” “I will study and God will provide.” “What about the children?” asks the man. “God will provide.” “And your house and car?” “Again, God will provide,” says the fiance. After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, “So...

Electric Chair (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, “Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric.” The husband replied, “How about a chair?!? <br><br><b>****************************************************************************************** Ég er dæmdur til lífs eftir dauða. -psycho 2001</b> líttu á heima síðuna mína <a href=”http://kasmir.hugi.is/psycho“ target=”_blank">hér</a

Típísk kona (2 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Húsbóndi nokkur kemur heim frá lækninum og tjáir eiginkonu sinni að læknir hans hafi sagt að hann ætti aðeins 24 stundir eftir ólifað. Eftir þessa frásögn spyr hann konu sína hvort hún væri til í kynlíf. Að sjálfsögðu samþykkir hún bón hans og þau gera það saman.. 6 klukkustundum síðar fer hann til eiginkonu sinnar og segir: “Elskan, þú veist að ég á aðeins 18 stundir eftir ólifað. Getum við vinsamlegast gert það einu sinni enn?” Auðvitað segir kona hans og þau gera það aftur. Aðeins seinna,...

polar bear (4 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

“Dear Dad,” read the young soldier's first letter home. “I cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear…” Several months later came another letter: “Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I danced with a hula girl…” Two weeks later came yet another note: “Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl…”

Duglegur strákur (1 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Strákur í sjötta bekk kemur heim eftir skóla einn daginn, mamma hans tekur eftir að hann er brosandi út að eyrum. Hún spyr hann, “gerðist eitthvað skemmtilegt í skólanum í dag.” Hann svarar, “já, ég gerði það með dönsku kennaranum mínum.” Mamman er agndofa. “Þú talar um þetta við pabba þinn þegar að hann kemur heim” Þegar að pabbinn kemur heim og heyrir fréttirnar verður hann ótrúlega ánægður. Springandi af stolti, gengur hann til sonar síns og segir, “sonur sæll, ég heyrði að þú hafir gert...

Coming to America (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Hodgee comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor. The doctor says, “Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.” Hodgee takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and...

Password (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter PENIS. Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*****

for a pound..... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Jon, an Irishman, upon finishing his business in the toilet, was pulling up his pants when a 50 pence piece slipped from his pocket, bounced once on the lid, and fell into the hole. Peering into the hole, Jon muttered to himself, “For 50p, No.” Upon which, he withdrew another 50 pence piece from his pocket, let it fall into the hole to join the first, and remarked as he descended, “But for a pound…”

sunnudagsskóli (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, “Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?” One of the girls replied “Aren't those the sins that we should have committed, but didn't?”

Menjokes (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them! What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted! What did God say after creating man? I can do better! How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don´t know when he´s coming, how many inches you´ll get, or how long it´ll stay! What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist! Why is so hard for woman to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends! Why did God create man? Because...

Cannibal Run (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an American were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.” The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword. The Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through. The Englishman says, “A pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol. The Englishman points it at his head...

Thirteen,Thirteen, Thirteen....... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A young man was strolling down a street in South London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting,“Thirteen,Thirteen,Thirteen,Thirteen,” over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn´t. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people...

þessar elskur (ljóskrur) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

já já ég veit það hefur eitthvað af þessum komið áður en þeir eru alltaf góðir þessar elskur Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast? A: The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab? A: You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab. Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom? A: Adjust the steering wheel....

Heimskar eiginkonur (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Þrír menn voru að rífast um það hver ætti heimskustu konuna. Reykvíkingurinn sagði; mín kona hún er sú allra heimskasta, það var útsala á nautakjöti í Bónus um daginn og hún fór og keypti 200 kg og við eigum ekki einu sinni frystikistu!! Þetta er ekki neitt sagði Kópavogsbúinn, það vill svo til að við unnum þrjár milljónir í lotto um daginn og konan mín fór og keypti bíl handa okkur fyrir allan peninginn og við erum ekki einu sinni með bílpróf!!! Iss, sagði Hafnfirðingurinn, konan mín er nú...

The Test... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained the trial to him. “You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or...

hand cream (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

2 priests are takin a shower. one of them notices that there is no sope left so he goes through the halls naked and gets 2 bars of soap. he sees 3 nuns coming so he freezes. the one nun goes wow that is a really realistic statue and she pulls his dick and the priest dropes one of the bars of soap. the second nun pulls his dick and he dropes the other bar of soap. the third nun pulls his dick and nothing happens so she keeps doing it then she says oo hand cream

Blondes and Computers (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? There's whiteout on the screen and your joystick is wet

Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep. I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep. The leftovers beckoned,the dark meat and white, But I fought the temptation with all of my might. Tossing and turning with anticipation, The thought of a snack became infatuation. So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door, And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore. I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling...

Divisional Manager (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?” The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “twenty-two.” The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Comm. of Stamp Duties,...

Big Red Truck (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

One day this Blondes house caught on fire. She called the fire department, and told them that her house was on fire. They replied nicely “calm down, how do we get there?” the blonde replys “DUH, the Big Red Truck!”

Trying to Fly (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, “Why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?” The blond answers in a very weak voice, “We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings…”

Rollo (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. “I'll be ready in a few minutes,” she said. “Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through.” The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped...

heimsk lög (Connecticut) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Fykislög Connecticut You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour. In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce. It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays. The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. (Repealed) It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway. No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind. Borgarlög Devon It is unlawful to walk...

heimsk lög (Colorado) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Fylkislög Colorado Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday. It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol. No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed) It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence. Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses. Borgarlög Colorado Springs It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays....

heimsk lög (California) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Fylkislög California Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Bathhouses are against the law. It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. Women may not drive in a house coat. No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. In an animal shelter,...

Notendur

God-in-Law (1 álit)

Electric Chair (0 álit)

Típísk kona (2 álit)

polar bear (4 álit)

Duglegur strákur (1 álit)

Coming to America (0 álit)

Password (0 álit)

for a pound..... (0 álit)

sunnudagsskóli (0 álit)

Menjokes (0 álit)

Cannibal Run (0 álit)

Thirteen,Thirteen, Thirteen....... (0 álit)

þessar elskur (ljóskrur) (0 álit)

Heimskar eiginkonur (0 álit)

The Test... (0 álit)

hand cream (0 álit)

Blondes and Computers (0 álit)

Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving (0 álit)

Divisional Manager (0 álit)

Big Red Truck (0 álit)

Trying to Fly (0 álit)

Rollo (0 álit)

heimsk lög (Connecticut) (0 álit)

heimsk lög (Colorado) (0 álit)

heimsk lög (California) (0 álit)

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