Hugi.is - Notendur

þessar elskur eru svo vitlausar (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

- Maður labbar inn til læknis og segir: “Læknir, læknir þú verður að hjálpa mér.Mér er svo hræðilega illt í andlitinu” “Er þér illt í andlitinu?” spyr læknirinn. “Sjáðu” segir maðurinn. (bendir með vísifingri á ennið)…ÆÆÆ!…(bendir með vísifingri á nefið)…æææ!…(bendir með vísifingri á hökuna)…æææ…Læknirinn:“seigðu mér, ertuu frá Hafnaffirði?” Maðurinn: “já hverni vissiru það”? Læknirinn:“þú ert greinilega með brotin vísifingur.”

nokkrir stuttir (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Q: What do vegetarian worms eat? A: Linda McCartney Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A: One is made out of plastic and is dangerous for the children to play with, the other is used to carry groceries. Q: Why do scottish men wear kilts? A: Because sheeps can hear a zipper from like a mile away!! Q: How do you know if a woman has an orgasm? A: Who cares?? Q: What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave? A: A microwave stops when you open the door…

Japanskur túristi í Ameríku (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and asked to be taken out to O'Hare Airport. On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, “Ohhh!!! TOYOTA!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!” Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. “Ohh!!! NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!” Yet another zipped by, “Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!” The taxi driver, complete 100% American, was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing...

Vinkonurnar (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Tvær vinkonur, ljóska og rauðka, voru eitt sinn á gangi þegar svo vildi til að þær gengu fram hjá blómabúð og sáu hvar kærasti þeirrar rauðhærðu var að kaupa blóm. Hún stundi þungan þegar hún sá þetta og sagði: “fjárinn, kærastinn minn er enn einu sinni að kaupa blóm handa mér án nokkurrar ástæðu.” Ljóskan leit furðu lostin á vinkonu sína og spurði: “Af hverju finnst þér ekki gaman að fá blóm?” Sú rauðhærða svaraði: “jú, jú… en hann er bara alltaf með svo miklar væntingar þegar hann gefur...

Witch Is Which? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the whorehouse, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used “blow-up” dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead....

You Work For The Government If... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

* You understand the rationalization of an acronym comprised of acronyms. * You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do. * You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to it's importance. (1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor. (2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention. * You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is...

Redneck Logic (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. “What's logic?” the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?” “I sure do.” “Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor. “That's real good!” says the redneck. The professor continues, “Logic will...

Woof Woof (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse attached around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who is already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and notices the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, “How many pounds?” The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds...

Actual School Excuse Notes (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Actual School Excuse Notes These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country: 1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. 2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33. 4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. 5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a...

Pissing Vodka (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Igor, a successful Russian agrarian, is walking along the shore of the Black Sea. He finds an odd shaped lamp, so he picks it up and rubs it in jest. Out pops a Genie and promises to grant Igor only one wish. “Gee, I have everything I need. I have a beautiful loving spouse, more money than I could ever spend, and I am free to travel anywhere in the world tending to my business interests. I really can't think of anything that I really need,” says Igor. “Think hard,” says the Genie, “there...

The Old Golfer (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But,...

Félagslíf og ekki félagslíf (12 álit)

í Skóli fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Nú hefur mikið borið á því að Iðnskólinn í Reykjarvík (IR) og Iðnskólinn í Hafnarfyrði (IH) hafi verið með sameiginlegar skemtanir svo sem ball (á fimturdaginn síðasta), bjórkvöld (oft) og svo má nátúrulega ekki gleima Smell (haldinn X8 á ári(annað stæsta lan á íslandi eftir skjálfta). þetta þíðir það að Iðnskólarnir sem að allir hafa verið að tala um síðustu ár að það sé ekki neitt félagslíf, séu bara með gott félagsíf. það er orðin staðreind í dag að það er mikið og mjög góðar skemtanir...

Típísk kona (2 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Húsbóndi nokkur kemur heim frá lækninum og tjáir eiginkonu sinni að læknir hans hafi sagt að hann ætti aðeins 24 stundir eftir ólifað. Eftir þessa frásögn spyr hann konu sína hvort hún væri til í kynlíf. Að sjálfsögðu samþykkir hún bón hans og þau gera það saman.. 6 klukkustundum síðar fer hann til eiginkonu sinnar og segir: “Elskan, þú veist að ég á aðeins 18 stundir eftir ólifað. Getum við vinsamlegast gert það einu sinni enn?” Auðvitað segir kona hans og þau gera það aftur. Aðeins seinna,...

polar bear (4 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

“Dear Dad,” read the young soldier's first letter home. “I cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear…” Several months later came another letter: “Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I danced with a hula girl…” Two weeks later came yet another note: “Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl…”

Duglegur strákur (1 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Strákur í sjötta bekk kemur heim eftir skóla einn daginn, mamma hans tekur eftir að hann er brosandi út að eyrum. Hún spyr hann, “gerðist eitthvað skemmtilegt í skólanum í dag.” Hann svarar, “já, ég gerði það með dönsku kennaranum mínum.” Mamman er agndofa. “Þú talar um þetta við pabba þinn þegar að hann kemur heim” Þegar að pabbinn kemur heim og heyrir fréttirnar verður hann ótrúlega ánægður. Springandi af stolti, gengur hann til sonar síns og segir, “sonur sæll, ég heyrði að þú hafir gert...

Coming to America (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Hodgee comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor. The doctor says, “Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.” Hodgee takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and...

Password (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter PENIS. Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*****

for a pound..... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Jon, an Irishman, upon finishing his business in the toilet, was pulling up his pants when a 50 pence piece slipped from his pocket, bounced once on the lid, and fell into the hole. Peering into the hole, Jon muttered to himself, “For 50p, No.” Upon which, he withdrew another 50 pence piece from his pocket, let it fall into the hole to join the first, and remarked as he descended, “But for a pound…”

sunnudagsskóli (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, “Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?” One of the girls replied “Aren't those the sins that we should have committed, but didn't?”

Menjokes (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them! What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted! What did God say after creating man? I can do better! How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don´t know when he´s coming, how many inches you´ll get, or how long it´ll stay! What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist! Why is so hard for woman to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends! Why did God create man? Because...

Cannibal Run (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an American were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.” The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword. The Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through. The Englishman says, “A pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol. The Englishman points it at his head...

Thirteen,Thirteen, Thirteen....... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

A young man was strolling down a street in South London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting,“Thirteen,Thirteen,Thirteen,Thirteen,” over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn´t. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people...

þessar elskur (ljóskrur) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

já já ég veit það hefur eitthvað af þessum komið áður en þeir eru alltaf góðir þessar elskur Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast? A: The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab? A: You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab. Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom? A: Adjust the steering wheel....

Heimskar eiginkonur (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Þrír menn voru að rífast um það hver ætti heimskustu konuna. Reykvíkingurinn sagði; mín kona hún er sú allra heimskasta, það var útsala á nautakjöti í Bónus um daginn og hún fór og keypti 200 kg og við eigum ekki einu sinni frystikistu!! Þetta er ekki neitt sagði Kópavogsbúinn, það vill svo til að við unnum þrjár milljónir í lotto um daginn og konan mín fór og keypti bíl handa okkur fyrir allan peninginn og við erum ekki einu sinni með bílpróf!!! Iss, sagði Hafnfirðingurinn, konan mín er nú...

The Test... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 7 mánuðum

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained the trial to him. “You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or...

Notendur

þessar elskur eru svo vitlausar (0 álit)

nokkrir stuttir (0 álit)

Japanskur túristi í Ameríku (0 álit)

Vinkonurnar (0 álit)

Witch Is Which? (0 álit)

You Work For The Government If... (0 álit)

Redneck Logic (0 álit)

Woof Woof (0 álit)

Actual School Excuse Notes (0 álit)

Pissing Vodka (0 álit)

The Old Golfer (0 álit)

Félagslíf og ekki félagslíf (12 álit)

Típísk kona (2 álit)

polar bear (4 álit)

Duglegur strákur (1 álit)

Coming to America (0 álit)

Password (0 álit)

for a pound..... (0 álit)

sunnudagsskóli (0 álit)

Menjokes (0 álit)

Cannibal Run (0 álit)

Thirteen,Thirteen, Thirteen....... (0 álit)

þessar elskur (ljóskrur) (0 álit)

Heimskar eiginkonur (0 álit)

The Test... (0 álit)

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