Hugi.is - Notendur

Hafnfirðingurinn (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

Hafnfirðingur tók sér far með leigubíl frá Reykjavík til Hafnarfjarðar. Leigubílstjórinn reyndi að koma á vitrænum samræðum og spurði: ,,Veistu hver er ekki bróðir minn, ekki systir mín en samt barn foreldra minna?“ Hafnfirðingurinn hugsaði sig lengi um en svaraði síðan neitandi. ,,Nú, auðvitað ég sjálfur!” skríkti leigubílstjórinn og Hafnfirðingurinn kinkaði kolli og klóraði sér. Þegar hann kom heim í Hafnarfjörð spurði hann konuna sína sömu spurningar: ,,Heyrðu, Dúna mín, veistu hver er...

Hvað geta mörgæsir orðið stórar (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

Maður einn kom móður og másandi inn á bensínstöð og spurði -Hvað geta mörgæsir orðið stórar? -Svona meter. Svaraði afgreislumaðurinn. -Almáttugur, þá hef ég keyrt yfir nunnu. ****************************************************************************************** I do what I do, I am who I am, if you don´t like it……PISS OFF -psycho 2001 líttu á heima síðuna mína <a href="http://kasmir.hugi.is/psycho“ target=”_blank“>hér</a> skrifaðu mér HATE MAIL <a...

Hafnfirskur vísindamaður (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

Einu sinni var Hafnfirskur vísindamaður að gera eldflaug til að senda til sólarinnar. Þegar annar vísindamaður gekk framhjá sagði hann: Þú getur ekki sent þetta til sólarinnar, það brennur til agna í hitanum. -Djöfull geturðu verið vitlaus. sagði Hafnfirðingurinn.- ég sendi hana auðvitað um nóttu ****************************************************************************************** I do what I do, I am who I am, if you don´t like it……PISS OFF -psycho 2001 líttu á heima...

drunken old lady (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

the drunken old lady was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick. “Here, this is how you do it.” he said, as he easily skewered the olive. “Big deal,” muttered the old drunk. “I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away.”...

President Clinton (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

President Clinton and his wife are at the first baseball game of the season. At the start of the game the pitcher comes up in the stands and whispers something in Clinton's ear. All of a sudden Clinton looks at Hillary and yells, “Okay, Hillary, GET OUT!”. She looks surprised but leaves. The pitcher looks at Clinton and says “No, I said to throw out the first PITCH!” ****************************************************************************************** I do what I do, I am who...

75 year old guy in the doctors office (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

There's this 75 year old guy in the doctors office, having some health problems. The doctor asks him, “what did your father die from ? ”, at which the old man responds, did I say my father was dead ? He's 96 years old and in perfect health.“ The surprised doctor says, ”Oh I see. Well that's great. What, then, did HIS father die from ? “ The old man now looking distressed responds ” did I say HIS father was dead “? The doctor, now REALLY surprised says ” You mean your grandfather is alive too...

New Zealander (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

A New Zealander is driving down the road and suddenly sees this Australian hitch hiking. He pulls over offers him a lift and down the road they go. After a few miles they come across this sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The New Zealander immediately pulls over and jumps out to check out the situation. After a minute he yanks out his dick and begins ramming the sheep from behind. After ahwile of doing this he calls out to the Australian who is still in the car, “Hey, you wanna give it a...

W H A T A M I ? ? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often...

A man walks into a bar.... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another and…soon he needs to take a leak. He's standing at the urinal in the men's room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the middle has a white cock. He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and mentions to the bartender, “I was in the men's room and noticed three black men in there. I swear...

Latin professor (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

A Latin professor goes into a bar. “I'll have a martinus, please.” The bartender looks at him and says, “Don't you mean, a martini?” The Latin professor replies, “If I wanted two, I'd have asked for two!” ****************************************************************************************** I do what I do, I am who I am, if you don´t like it……PISS OFF -psycho 2001 líttu á heima síðuna mína <a href="http://kasmir.hugi.is/psycho“ target=”_blank“>hér</a> skrifaðu mér...

two pirates (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

So, there are these two pirates eh. One's got a wooden leg and a hook and even a patch too. The other one's just got the pirate clothes. So the second pirate says to the first, “how'd ya get that wooden leg mate?”. The first replys “arrr, it done got bit off bye a varment shark.” The second pirate is of course impressed, “aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen. How'd ya get dat metal ‘hook?” The first replys “lost err in a sword fight, bastard cut off me bloody hand!”. “aye, dat’s...

Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye. (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

“You'd never believe it,” said Paddy, “but I got it at church.” He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they all stood for a hymn he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bum. “All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned round an hit me,” said Paddy. It was a week later and Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye. “I got it in church,” he began to explain. He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for...

Big chief (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

Big chief lived his whole life and never farted in his enrtire life. So getting on in age he decided he would try. He went down to the local store and said “Big chief no fart” “Hhmmm” said the pimply faced clerk “here is a can of beans, Eat these and you will fart” Next day Big chief comes in and says “ Big Chief no fart” “hmmm” sais the clerk “ Here is 4 cans of beans THIS should do it!” nothing. This went on for about a week each time he ate more and more beans. Finally The clerk said...

One day in the forest (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

One day in the forest, there was a fly. And this fly was buzzing around above the surface of a small stream in the woods. Under the water was a small fish who was thinking: “When that fly drops four inches, boy oh boy, it's lunch time.” So the fish waited and the fly kept buzzing. Over on the shore of the stream, there lumbered a large grizzly bear who was observing this whole thing. He grumbled to himself, “When that fish goes for that fly, hmm, hmm, it's lunch time.” So the bear and the...

Princess Di (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

Well, the papers finally figured out why Princess Di wants to divorce Prince Charles. Yeah, Di seemed to be under the assumption that all Rulers had 12 inches. ****************************************************************************************** I do what I do, I am who I am, if you don´t like it……PISS OFF -psycho 2001 líttu á heima síðuna mína <a href="http://kasmir.hugi.is/psycho“ target=”_blank“>hér</a> skrifaðu mér HATE MAIL <a...

Q (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

Q: What is the first sign of AIDS? A: A hard throbbing pain in your ass. ****************************************************************************************** I do what I do, I am who I am, if you don´t like it……PISS OFF -psycho 2001 líttu á heima síðuna mína <a href="http://kasmir.hugi.is/psycho“ target=”_blank“>hér</a> skrifaðu mér HATE MAIL <a href=”http://pub.alxnet.com/guestbook?id=2197398“ target=”_blank">hérna</a

A small white guy (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

A small white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.” The small white guy faints……. The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy, “Whats wrong with you man”? The small white guy says, “ Excuse me,...

Luck of the Irish! (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

Two Irish lovers are sitting on a bench, in a park. They are holding hands, but the lady is nervously twisting her hands. Mary: “Patrick. I have something to tell you.” Patrick: “Well, what's on your mind? You know you can tell me everything.” Mary: “It's so terrible.” Patrick: “You know you can trust me. What is it?” Mary: “Well, it was a few years ago. Father lost his job, and no money in sight..” Patrick: “So, what is it?” Mary: “Oh. We were so desperate. For some time I had to turn...

just started new job (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and “can you handle it? ”The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, “How much for the white dildo?” He answers, “$35.” She: “How much for the black one?” He: “$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.” She: “I think...

Hugh Grant (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

After the Hugh Grant incident that made the papers, Bill Gates called up Hugh Grant. Bill asked him “Was it really worth $ 50 to almost ruin your career?”. Hugh replied “Bill, actually it was worth a million.”. So Bill called up Hugh's favorite prostitute, but since she had become so famous, her prices had gone up quite a bit. Bill paid 10,000 for a night with Divine. In the morning he said, “That was fantastic! Now I know why professionally you call yourself ‘Divine’”. She answered, “Thank...

THE COUNSELOR (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself “I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this.” Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be admitted to hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor. COUNSELOR: What's the problem, you look depressed? GUY: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell. COUNSELOR: Hell's...

Sister Maria (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

Mother Superior: “Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?” Sister Maria: “I would lift my habit, mother Superior.” Mother Superior (shocked): “And what would you do next?” Sister Maria: “I would tell him to drop his pants.” Mother Superior: (even more shocked) “And what then?” Sister Maria: “I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down.”...

seven dwarfs in Rome (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. “Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?” “No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall.” “Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?” “I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?”...

When people buy a dog (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

When people buy a dog, they usually name him something like Rover or Bowser. Well I chose to name my dog “Sex”. But lately Sex has been a little embarassing to me. I remember one day I took Sex to City Hall to get a license for him. I wentup to the clerk and said “I would like to have a license for Sex”. He said he would like to have one too. I said “You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old”. He said I must have been quite a kid. Last year they were auditioning dogs for...

For the benefit of (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

(For the benefit of non-UK readers a quid is slang for a pound sterling. U.S. readers replace it with “10 bucks”) The local priest was strolling down the High Street late in the evening when suddenly a young lady of the night pops out of a shop doorway. “Hello Father”, she says, “Fancy a quicky for 10 quid?”. “My dear child”, says the priest, “I've no idea what you mean. Please leave me alone.” A little further on up the street and another woman appears out the darkness. “Hello Father”, she...

Notendur

Hafnfirðingurinn (0 álit)

Hvað geta mörgæsir orðið stórar (0 álit)

Hafnfirskur vísindamaður (0 álit)

drunken old lady (0 álit)

President Clinton (0 álit)

75 year old guy in the doctors office (0 álit)

New Zealander (0 álit)

W H A T A M I ? ? (0 álit)

A man walks into a bar.... (0 álit)

Latin professor (0 álit)

two pirates (0 álit)

Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye. (0 álit)

Big chief (0 álit)

One day in the forest (0 álit)

Princess Di (0 álit)

Q (0 álit)

A small white guy (0 álit)

Luck of the Irish! (0 álit)

just started new job (0 álit)

Hugh Grant (0 álit)

THE COUNSELOR (0 álit)

Sister Maria (0 álit)

seven dwarfs in Rome (0 álit)

When people buy a dog (0 álit)

For the benefit of (0 álit)

Dýr

Dægurmál

Fræði

Leikir

Lífið

Lífsstíll

Margmiðlun

Menning

Skjár

Sport

Tónlist

Tækni

Vélar

Hugi