Hugi.is - Notendur

Sagt í réttarsalnum... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT CASES: Judge: I know you, don't I? Defendant: Uh, yes. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie. —————————————————- From a defendant representing himself… Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse....

Fjórar sögur af framhjáhaldi. (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

The First Affair There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the...

Nokkrir góðir... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay? A: Who has the time? *********************************** The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.” *********************************** A guy walks up to a woman in a bar and asks, “Can I smell your pussy?” Offended the woman...

Ljóskur.... hmm... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

Judi the blond went to a helicopter flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. “I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this.” After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying...

Hmm... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.” She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436.”

Um að gera að fá bætur. (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them that Her Majesty's Army had committed to reward each of the three soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different parts of the man's body. The commander addressed the first soldier, “Where would you like to be measured, Sergeant?” “From the tip of me head to the soles of me feet, Sir!”...

Doohhh.... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

It seems that a young man volunterred for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more...

Vinsæll prestur (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the house. He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was. The preacher, seeing this, said, “I'm sorry. I don't think I'd fit in here right now.” “Nonsense,” the man replied. “Your name's been called three times already!”

Sumir læra aldrei! (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, “We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!” The pilot regretfully explained, “Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind.” Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistant. “We won't allow...

Tengdó í heimsón. (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. “How'd you get down her so fast?” he asked. “We were just making love!” “Oh my God,” his wife gasped, “That's my mother...

Valmöguleikar... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served. When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, “Oh No! thank you. I...

Áááááiiii.... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

This gay guy is in the doctor's office when the doc comes in and says, “I'm sorry, but you have contracted HIV”. The gay guy is immediately shocked and says, “Doc, Doc, what should I do?” The doctor says, “Well, the first thing you should do is fly to Mexico. When you get there, eat all the Mexican food you can eat. Tacos, nachos, beans, and all that. Also, drink all the water you can, and none of that bottled crap, pure Mexican water, and as much as you can drink. Then eat all of the fresh...

Klár kengúra... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten- foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they'll go?” The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”

KARLMENN... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

A beautiful woman is out shopping one day and hears two men who are walking behind talking about her. One guy says “Wouldn't you like to get into her pants one day?” and the other leers and agrees that would be great! The woman turns around and says to them both “Thanks, but no, guys. One asshole in my pants is enough for me!!” ******************************************************* At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a “Charm Course” was urging her...

Óþekktarangi... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his...

Damage control... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, “What the hell happened?” “As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss,” replied the wife. “Piss on him,” answered the husband. “You did,” said the wife, “and he fired you.” “Well, fuck him,” said the husband. “I did, and you go back to work in the morning.”

Bankarán... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, “What is this?” To which lawyer number one replies, “It's that $50 I owe you.”

Tíuþúsund dollarar.. (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door....

Þrjár Vampírur... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender goes up to the first one and say, What do you want? The vampire says, “I want a pint of blood”. Then bartender goes to the second vampire and asks what he wants. The second vampire says he wants a pint of blood too. The bartender goes to the third vampire and he says, “What do you want?” The third vampire says, “I want a pint of plasma”. The bartender thinks for a minute as says, “Let me see if I've got this right. That's two bloods and a blood light?”

Starfsumsóknir.. (Bara í Bandaríkjunum) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

JOB APPLICANT STORIES We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights: 1. Said he was so...

Home sweet home... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. “I assume, she snarled, that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?” “There is, he replied, breakfast.”

Mamma ég er ólétt... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

“Mom, I'm pregnant.” “How can that be? What did I tell you about sex? ”That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest."

Það var einusinni Pólverji... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, “What a Pollack.” The Polish man said, “I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew.” “Probably, ” replied the clerk. “And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?” “Probably,” the clerk again replied. “Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have...

Blessuð dýrin. (4 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

Now that fur is starting to become fashionable once again, a lady donned her full length mink and went to the Mall. She was stopped by an animal rights activist. “Look Lady, do you know how many animals had to die in order to make that coat?” she demanded. “And do you know how many animals I had to screw to get it?” sneered the fur wearer back.

Alltaf gaman að kafa... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, “How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?” The guy took the board and chalk,...

Notendur

Sagt í réttarsalnum... (0 álit)

Fjórar sögur af framhjáhaldi. (0 álit)

Nokkrir góðir... (0 álit)

Ljóskur.... hmm... (0 álit)

Hmm... (0 álit)

Um að gera að fá bætur. (0 álit)

Doohhh.... (0 álit)

Vinsæll prestur (0 álit)

Sumir læra aldrei! (0 álit)

Tengdó í heimsón. (0 álit)

Valmöguleikar... (0 álit)

Áááááiiii.... (0 álit)

Klár kengúra... (0 álit)

KARLMENN... (0 álit)

Óþekktarangi... (0 álit)

Damage control... (0 álit)

Bankarán... (0 álit)

Tíuþúsund dollarar.. (0 álit)

Þrjár Vampírur... (0 álit)

Starfsumsóknir.. (Bara í Bandaríkjunum) (0 álit)

Home sweet home... (0 álit)

Mamma ég er ólétt... (0 álit)

Það var einusinni Pólverji... (0 álit)

Blessuð dýrin. (4 álit)

Alltaf gaman að kafa... (0 álit)

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