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diaphanous


My dear tormentor,
I know that you shall never read this and yet I feel that I must write. What exactly do I want to say? I don’t know. I simply feel there are things that I have to say and now, finally, I feel strong enough to say them. The good Lord knows that it has taken me all this time to gather my thoughts. All this time to come to accept the things that happened. And to make amends. I feel it is never too late to make amends. Never too late to set things right.
You would know by now, if you were ever able to read this, what I am talking about. I am talking about him. Cristo, my beautiful black eyed, brown haired Cristo. The passionate angel that I betrayed you for. Or so you thought. I never got to talk to you properly about him. And now. Now it is too late. Too late to set things as they should be. As they would have been. As they were meant to be.
I am sorry for the tears that stain this paper but since you will never read this you probably won’t mind. You asked once what I wanted and I said that all I ever wanted was you and that you were enough for me. I am sorry my love for being wrong. I just didn’t realise until…Cristo.

How to express the feeling that I am filled with when I breathe his name. Cristo! How I remember his smell and the way his hand fitted mine so well. How he would smile and his eyes… Everything about him just fills me with love, the thought of him… But that is not what I wanted you to know. I wanted you to be happy for me, happy for us. That is really all I wanted. Why couldn’t you? Why couldn’t you allow me this happiness? Was it so wrong? Was it wrong for me to crave him so badly? It didn’t feel wrong. Not at all. In fact my life has never felt as right as when he was in my arms. When he smiled at me the world glowed and the sun seemed to shine even more brightly when I saw it trough his eyes. How he could brighten up my day with his presence, how he made me laugh when I wanted most of all to cry but he gave me courage and he gave me strength when I didn’t think I had any left. All of this you should know. All of this you would have seen if you had only been strong enough to look instead of shunning me for betraying you, for betraying us. Our future and our hopes. How could you be so blind? How could you not see that I did it for us and our future? So we could continue, forever. Why could you not see? I might not have been completely honest with you I know. But you where not completely honest with me either. You said that everything would be all right. That we could work it out between us and yet you couldn’t handle it. And now I must live without you both. Why did you do it? Why did you have to leave and why like that? To leave me alone. Why not leave me Cristo? Why did you have to take him? I realise now what I didn’t realise then that you had a problem and that you needed help. How could I be so blind? How could I not see what it did to you? What it did to the man I thought I knew better than I knew myself. The man whom I loved and still do despite what you did. What you took from me. How you depraved me of the two things I held dearest in life. How you…. But no this was supposed to be an accusation letter this was to be reconciliation. To make peace between you and me. To mend the gap you created when you…when you killed me.

Yes I said killed me! Because that is what you did although you didn’t take my life but his. Why didn’t you kill me as well? At least then it wouldn’t hurt so much. Now I am alone. We were supposed to be together forever that is what we promised on that day not so many years ago. We promised to love and respect until death do us part. Well, death did us part but not in the way we thought it would. It is too much for me to imagine what you were thinking on that day. How could you, how could you, how could you do it. How did it escape my notice how you felt and how badly you took Cristos coming into our world. How could you hide it from me for so long? I can only imagine how long those feelings had been churning inside of you. Only try to get inkling of how far-gone you must have been and yet I did not see. Blinded by love, safe and secure in my own little world, oblivious to the dark clouds gathering on the horizon. But how can one imagine. How can one phantom the thinking of a disillusioned person. Someone who has lost contact with the world.
I know it is not my fault. I know that it wasn’t my mistake. And yet I can’ t help but think that I should have noticed something, some betrayal of your thoughts, your intentions. But no matter how much I think on it I come up with nothing. There is nothing I could have done differently. Nothing I could have said and done to have influenced the events that took place on that day. I can only think of how glad I am that you are well taken care of now that you are getting the help you so badly need. The help I could have gotten for you had I but know… but that is too late now and I refuse to think of it. I refuse to take blame and all I can now do is try to go on. One minuet at a time, then one hour and one day and before I know it a week has gone by and I feel a little better. Each day I think of you both, you my love whom I could not save from the cruelties of a mind gone mad and my beautiful Cristo whom I could not save from you. We are all victims. There are no winners in this fight.
The really tragic part of this is that you never realised, and hopefully you never will, that you didn’t just kill a part of me that day. Cristo was your son as well.

Sincerely,
Your wife