Hugi.is - Notendur

Cut off! (1 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

A man walks in the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes...

Töframaðurinn (3 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

Einn gamall og góður Töframaðurinn David Copperfield vinnur á skemmtiferðaskipi. Hann hefur gert sömu töfrabrögð sín í rúm tvö ár. Áhorfendur hans kunnu vel að meta hann og alltaf voru nýir og nýir farþegar svo að hann þurfti sjaldan eða jafnvel aldrei að skipta út gömlu töfrabrögðum sínum fyrir ný. Aftur á móti var páfagaukur einn í búri sem var staðsett aftast í áhorfendasalnum sem horfði á töframanninn kvöld eftir kvöld, ár eftir ár. Loks, fattar páfagaukurinn hvernig töfrabrögðin virka...

Bill Gates deyr og fer til himna (9 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. “That is a nice suit, my friend,” said Gates. “Where did you get it?” “Actually,” the man replied, “I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've...

Bóndinn ofverndar dætur sínar (3 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

There was a farmer who was very protective of his daughters. Before every date, he would meet the young man at the porch with his shotgun, and if he didn't measure up, he'd make sure they left. One day all three of his daughters were going out on the same night. The first young man drove up and approached the porch. “Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?” The farmer liked this guy, and let him leave with his daughter. Shortly, the next guy...

Bóndinn (6 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

Bóndi situr á þorpsbarnum og er frekar fullur, þegar maður kemur inn og spyr bóndann; “Hei, af hverju situr þú hérna á þessum fallega degi útúrdrukkinn?” Bóndinn: “Suma hluti er bara ekki hægt að útskýra” Maðurinn: “Nú hvað gerðist svona rosalegt?” Bóndinn:“Nú ef þú þarft að vita það… Í dag var ég að mjólka kúnna mína og sat við hliðina á henni. Um leið og fatan varð full, sparkaði beljan fötunni niður með vinstri fætinum. Maðurinn: ”Nú það er ekki svo rosalegt, hvað er svona mikið mál við...

Hermaðurinn (2 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

Hermannaflokkur voru á æfingu sem fólst í því að láta sig falla saman við umhverfið með því að nota felubúninga og fleira. Hershöfðingi, sem var að fylgjast með, sá að einn hermaðurinn, sem hafði dulbúið sig sem tré, hafði sést hreyfa sig snögglega. “Heimskinginn þinn” öskraði hershöfðinginn, “Veistu að þú hefðir getað stefnt lífi allra félaga þinna í lífshættu?” “Já herra,” svaraði hermaðurinn “En ef ég má segja þá stóð ég grafkyrr þegar hópur af dúfum notuðu mig sem skotskífu. Og ég...

The traveler (2 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. “I want to get screwed,” said the man. “OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot,” answered the voice. The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open. “Hey,”...

gangstaz (5 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside. The Head Gangster says “Okay, well, at least we can eat it.”...

Doing drugs (4 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday. Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, ”How did you do over the weekend?“ ”Well, your honor, I persuaded...

4 people (6 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody. Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it. So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the...

Lykla Pétur (3 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

Einn góður hér :) Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?” So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th...

Ganga í klaustur (3 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

Brother John Brother John entered the ‘Monastery of Silence’ and the Head Friar said, “Welcome Brother, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.” Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Head Friar said to him: “Brother John, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words.” Brother John said, “Hard Bed.” “I'm sorry to hear that” the Head Friar said. “We will get you a better bed. After...

Kaupa smokka (12 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

Tveir heyrna-og mállausir menn eru að reyna kaupa sér smokka en lyfsalinn kann ekki táknmál. Orðnir pirraðir, fara þeir út og reyna að finna aðferð til að láta hann skilja hvað það er sem þeir vilja kaupa. Loks fær einn mannanna hugmynd, fer inn í apótekið, dregur út delann og setur hann, ásamt peningum á afgreiðsluborðið. Lyfsalinn lítur í kringum sig og fullvissar sig um að enginn viðskiptavinur sé inn í búðinni, dregur út delann og tekur peningana. Maðurinn fer út og segir hinum manninum...

sundlaugin (5 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

Einu sinni var milljónamæringur sem safnaði lifandi krókódílum. Hann geymdi þá í sundlaug á bak við höllina sína. Milljónamæringurinn átti einnig gullfallega dóttur sem var á lausu. Einn dag ákveður hann að halda risapartý og í partýinu tilkynnir hann, “Kæru gestir… Ég er með tilboð alla karlmenn hérna. Ég mun gefa eina milljón dollara eða dóttur mína þeim manni sem getur synt í gegnum þessa sundlaug sem er full af krókódílum og koma upp úr hinum megin óskaddaður!” Strax og hann hafði lokið...

Hearsay (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

Hearsay In Court Judge: Did you or did you not see the gun being fired? Witness: I did not see it being fired. I only heard it. Judge: Well, that's hearsay. It's inadmissible as evidence. As the witness left the stand and walked back to his seat, his back was turned to the judge, at which point he laughed out loud. Immediately the judge recalled him to the bench and was about to hold him in contempt of court. Witness: Did you actually see me laugh? Judge No, but I heard you. Witness: Isn't...

Handklæðið (3 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

Maður einn gerði sér grein fyrir því einn daginn að hann var ófær um að fullnægja konunni sinni. Hann reyndi hundruðir aðferða en gat bara ekki lokið verkinu. Hann fór að lokum til besta vinar síns og spurði hann um ráð. Vinur hans sagði honum að hafa engar áhyggjur því hann vissi um aðferð sem væri 100% örugg. Hann sagði “Leigðu stórann sterkann negra til að standa yfir ykkur konunni og láttu hann veifa handklæði yfir ykkur báðum meðan þið stundið kynlíf. Þannig fær kona þín rétta örvun og...

sjúkdómagreininga-sjálfsali (3 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 21 árum, 7 mánuðum

The Automated Doctor One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00. Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store....

Notendur

Cut off! (1 álit)

Töframaðurinn (3 álit)

Bill Gates deyr og fer til himna (9 álit)

Bóndinn ofverndar dætur sínar (3 álit)

Bóndinn (6 álit)

Hermaðurinn (2 álit)

The traveler (2 álit)

gangstaz (5 álit)

Doing drugs (4 álit)

4 people (6 álit)

Lykla Pétur (3 álit)

Ganga í klaustur (3 álit)

Kaupa smokka (12 álit)

sundlaugin (5 álit)

Hearsay (0 álit)

Handklæðið (3 álit)

sjúkdómagreininga-sjálfsali (3 álit)

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