Hugi.is - Notendur

Nymphomaniac Convention Speaker (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside him. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “So, where are you flying to today?” She turns and smiles, and says, “To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.” He swallows hard, instantly crazed with...

Down on my Luck (1 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. “I'm afraid I don't have a husband” she replies. “O.K. do you have a boyfriend?” asks the Midwife. “No, no boyfriend either.” “Do you have a partner then?” “No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.” After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that...

Sharing an appartement (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

Moshe invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Rivka, who shared Moshe’s apartment, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Moshe and his apartment mate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Moshe volunteered, “I know what you must...

Caught Cheating (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man. The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, “Don't do it, this man...

Wart (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

Two women who used to be best of friends are now mad at each other and the following conversation takes place: Mary said,”I don’t like you going around telling everyone that my husband John has a big wart on his dick !” Sue replied, “ Mary I did not say that John had a big wart on his dick, what I said was “That It feels like John has a big wart on his dick!!”

A Close Shave (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has had getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.” The client placed the ball in his mouth, and the barber proceeded with the closest shave the man had ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asked in garbled speech. “And what if I swallow it?” “No...

A Day at the Races (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the racetrack. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse, a very long shot, won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th racehorses lined...

Chicken Sandwiches (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich. He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?” She said “ I love it but I have to stop eating it.” “Why?” he asked. She pointed to her lap and...

Biker Grandma (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoo’s all over his arms answers. She proclaims, “I want to join your club.” The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; “Do you have a motorcycle? The little old lady replies “Yep … my bike’s parked over there”, and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks,...

Waiting in Line (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell you are doing?” “Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!” “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me.

The Price of getting Old (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: “My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one. “Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee,” replied another. “I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. “My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another went on. “I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,”...

A Horth Thory (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

Guy calls his horse rancher buddy and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. “How will I recognize him?” his buddy asks. “That’s easy; he’s short and has a speech impediment” So, the man shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. “A female horth.” So, he shows him a prized filly. “Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth”? So, the guy picks up the man and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over. “Nith eyeth, an I thee her earzth”? So, he picks the...

Bull Libido (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

Bull Libido A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says, “He mated 50 times last year.” They walked a little farther and see another pen with a sign that says, “This bull mated 120 times last year.” The wife hits her husband and says “That's more than twice a week! You could learn alot from him.” They...

Dividing souls (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the Cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,...

Need a Push? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push. “Not a chance” says the husband - “It’s three o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed. “Who was it?” asks his wife. “Just a drunken stranger asking for a push” he answers. “Did you help him?” she asks. “NO, I didn’t-it’s three in the morning and it’s pouring out!”...

Plane Crash (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, George W. Bush said, I am the President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc., and I am also the smartest president ever. So he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane. The second passenger said, I’m Rasheed Wallace, one of the best basketball players in the NBA, and the Portland...

Sniffer Dog (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog takes the middle seat, and his handler explains that they work for the airline. “Don't mind Rover,” the handler says, “he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work.” The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, “Watch this.” He tells the dog, “Rover, search!” The dog jumps down, walks...

Lesson in Logic (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history,and logic. “What’s logic?” the first redneck asked. The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?” “I sure do.” “Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor. “That’s real good!” said the redneck. The professor continued, “Logic will also tell...

The Chicken and the Horse (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys...

Stutter (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. “Not correct, Miss!” he says. “Please explain, Johnny,” replies the teacher. “Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah.The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went ”ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!“, and before he could say ”FUCK OFF!“, the...

Brave Firemen (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire Departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!” As soon as the chief heard this, he...

A man walks into a bar (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.” “ONE CENT!” exclaims the guy. The barman replies, “Yes.” So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?” “Certainly, sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.” “How much money?” inquires the guy. “4 cents”, he replies. “FOUR cents!” exclaims the guy. “Where's the guy who owns this...

New Boyfriend (1 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

Two high school sweethearts had been dating for four years, they had enjoyed losing their virginity together, and they were inseparable until they graduated. They had planned on going to college together, but he was accepted to a school on the west coast, and she was accepted to a school on the east coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would...

Penis Problem (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

A man in his 40’s goes in for a physical. The doctor says “I have good news and I have bad news.” The man says, “Give me the bad news first.” Doc says, “There is a problem with your penis, you can only get a few more erections, and then you won’t have any more for the rest of your life.” The man says, “What in the world is the good news?” Doc says, “We know the number is exactly 25, so you can plan your use of them accordingly.” The man leaves and drives around for a couple hours pondering...

Taxidermist (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 22 árum, 8 mánuðum

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says “You ain't from around here… where you from, boy?” The guy says, “I'm from Pennsylvania.” The bartender asks, “What do you do up in Pennsylvania?” The guy responds, “I'm a taxidermist.” The bartender asks, “A taxidermist… what the heck is a taxidermist?” The guy says, “I mount dead animals.” The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us.

Notendur

Nymphomaniac Convention Speaker (0 álit)

Down on my Luck (1 álit)

Sharing an appartement (0 álit)

Caught Cheating (0 álit)

Wart (0 álit)

A Close Shave (0 álit)

A Day at the Races (0 álit)

Chicken Sandwiches (0 álit)

Biker Grandma (0 álit)

Waiting in Line (0 álit)

The Price of getting Old (0 álit)

A Horth Thory (0 álit)

Bull Libido (0 álit)

Dividing souls (0 álit)

Need a Push? (0 álit)

Plane Crash (0 álit)

Sniffer Dog (0 álit)

Lesson in Logic (0 álit)

The Chicken and the Horse (0 álit)

Stutter (0 álit)

Brave Firemen (0 álit)

A man walks into a bar (0 álit)

New Boyfriend (1 álit)

Penis Problem (0 álit)

Taxidermist (0 álit)

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