Jay: If you know so much, tell me something about myself.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone else on the planet.
Jay: Shit, everyone knows that. Tell me something else.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
[Silent Bob starts to look freaked out.]
Jay: [to Bob] Dude, not ALL the time!

Bethany: Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging around?
Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.
Bethany: Excuse me?
Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?

Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.

Bartleby: Our last two days on Earth. If I had a dick I'd go get laid.
Loki: Well, let's do the next best thing.
Bartleby: What's that?
Loki: Let's kill people.

Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey.
Bethany: New ]ersey.
Metatron: Sure. Go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day. Agreed?
Bethany: That doesn't sound like a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: [mumbling into glass] Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence. Damn, this is good tequila.
Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron: “Damn, this is good tequila”?
Bethany: The first part.
Metatron: Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them.

[Throwing Loki off the train, a la Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade]
Silent Bob: No ticket!