MELISSA: Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson.
ACE VENTURA: Pleasure to meet you.
MELISSA: Did you have any trouble getting in?
ACE VENTURA: No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.

ACE: If I'm not back in five minutes… just wait longer!

ACE: I have a package for you, sir.
MAN: Sounds broken.
ACE: Most likely; I bet it was something nice, though!

LOIS EINHORN:Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
ACE VENTURA:Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.

MR. SHICKADANCE: Ventuuurrraaa!
Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? Oh, sorry, Mr. Shickadance, I thought you were somebody else.
MR. SHICKADANCE: I heard animals in there, scratching around!
ACE VENTURA: I never bring my work home with me, sir.
MR. SHICKADANCE: Then what's all this pet food for?
ACE VENTURA: Fiber?