Sá nokkra góða brandara um daginn, sem eiga það sameiginlegt að vera tiltölulega raunsæir í frásögum sínum, langar mig að deila hérna nokkrum með ykkur;

A duck walks into a 7-11 and says “Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!” But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.



A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.




What's the difference between the Pope and Michael Jackson?

The Pope is dead.


So this guy dies right, and he goes up to Heaven and when he's at the pearly gates he- oh wait, nevermind, he just rots in the ground.





Man 1: Knock, Knock

Man 2: Who's there?

Man 1: It's me Johnny.

Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.






A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.

He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says “I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell.”

The black man says “No thanks, that sounds pretty risky” and keeps pushing his bike down the road.






Knock knock

knock knock

knock knock

knock knock

knock knock

Shit, I guess nobody is home. I'll try back later.




How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.



A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says “Why are you wearing a suit?” The black man says “I just got back from a funeral”




Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls over and breaks his leg on a tree root.

In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says “Quick, call me an ambulance!”.

Michael replies “ Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes. ”.




A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.





Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.





A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.

When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied “No. No I don't.”




The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.



What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.




How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her





How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I imagine it would take a great many. Mice would find it difficult to reach a ceiling light fitting, and would individually lack the strength or dexterity required to turn a bulb in such a socket. Even if you had enough mice to lend their strength to such an endeavor, the chances of them having the intelligence and wherewithall to perform suich a complex activity is really quite low.




A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, ‘'Sorry, we don’t give beer to bears in bars.''

The bear replies, ‘'I guess I will have a soda instead.’'

So the bear and the bartender talk over nonalcoholic drinks all night about the reality of interspecies communication.




As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.