Sorry að þetta er á ensku =S
And for all my lovelies out there, þá er þetta (nokkurnveginn) ritskoðað! Wee! =D



How do you know for sure that you've reached your all time high? Or your all time low? How do you know that you'll never feel shittier then you do right now, or that you'll never feel better?

I know.

That feeling – the one at the bottom of my stomach – is not a feeling that can be topped by anything. It just isn't possible. This, my friend, is my all time low.

Have you ever been in love? Have you ever felt like you can't get through your day without meeting that special someone? Not seeing him? Not talking to him, feeling him, touching him? Have you ever had a person that you would do anything for, and would do anything for you? A person that makes you feel safe? A person that makes you feel wanted, special? Loved?

I had that person. I had that guy.

And I lost him.

Do you know how that feels?

It's the complete opposite of what I described above. Times billion.

As I said, it's my all time low.

How can you love someone so much, but still do something to him like I did? How can you not stop thinking about him, but still hurt him like I have done? How can you ache so much for his touch, but still go out and seek someone else's? Cheat. Lie. Deceive. Hurt. Fail.

What have I done?

I have stripped my life of everything that was good. It was so perfect, but like a house of cards, when one piece falls, everything goes with it. How can I keep going, when my fuel isn't there? How can I continue without a reason? Without him? How could I do this? How could I hurt the one person I love the most? How could I betray him? How could I?

I don't know. But I did it. I ripped his heart out, and mine with it. Tore them both into tiny little pieces. Killed them. Destroyed them.

I didn't even try to pick them up again. I just told him what happened, and walked out. I knew he didn't want to see me again. I knew he hated me.

And he should.

My life hasn't been the same since. It was two years ago. Two years, five months, three weeks and a day. And every day I though about it. Every day I cried. Maybe not on the outside, but on the inside I was breaking. Hurting.

I moved away two weeks later. We had planned on having a long distance relationship, but I ruined it.

He tried to call me, but I couldn't bear to even hear his voice.

It was July now. I was 21 years old. I hadn't been in a relationship since Nathan.

That's his name, by the way.

At the moment, I was getting ready for a birthday party my friend was having. One of my new friends. My old friends didn't talk to me anymore.

I put on some lip gloss, grabbed my purse and headed out the door. We were going to a restaurant, our favorite one. Me, her, and three of our closest friends.

Non of them knew about Nathan.

I got into my Mustang and drove off, still thinking about him. That was all I ever did when I had some spare time. Thinking and regretting. How could I be so stupid? How could I be so cruel?

I stopped on the red lights, looking around me. And how could I be so selfish? Vain? There were people all around me, sleeping on the streets, dying, hurting…and all I thought about was myself.

The green light came and I sped off again. Why can't someone just run me over? It would end my misery. It would end my selfish little being. Why can't someone drive drunk and hit me? Why can't I get over him?

I pulled up at the restaurant, fixing my hair and stepping out of the car. I silently cursed my high heels as I made my way to the door and thanking the doorman. It was a fancy restaurant.

I talked to the receptionist, and made my way over to the table, already occupied by the birthday girl and two of the three friends, Maurice and Adam.

“Hey, Pete's not here?” I asked, sitting down. Maurice and Pete were dating. So were Adam and Juliet, the birthday girl.

“He's in the bathroom. You're late, we already placed our orders. You're having chicken,” Adam answered, smiling.

I nodded, and then turned to Juliet, handing her a small package, “Happy birthday!” A book ‘'The Color Purple’', and a shirt. Just as she unfolded the shirt, Pete came back from the bathroom, sitting down beside Maurice and giving her a small kiss. Just like Nathan would have done when we were together. Before I ruined it.

“Spaghetti Bolognese?” came a voice behind me. The waiter. He put the spaghetti in front of Pete, before looking up to see who had the lamb, his eyes stopping on me.

I froze.

He froze.

I dropped my glass, which I had been taking a sip off, causing my friends to look at me in surprise.

“Nathan,” I whispered, not caring about my glass.

“Is the lamb yours?” He asked, no emotion on his beautiful, angelic face, but his bright blue eyes were frighteningly cold.

“No…” He didn't even wait for my answer, though. He just placed each order in front of a random person, and then turned away, making his way to the kitchen,

“Nathan, wait!” I stood up, walking after him. I was attracting a few stares.

He stopped and turned around. His face wasn't emotionless anymore. It was angry. It was hurt.

“Wait? Who are you to tell me to wait? I waited for you for a year! I called you for a year! I tried to find you! Don't you tell me to wait!” he was walking closer to me, his voice raised. I looked at him. His blue eyes. His soft, curly brown hair. His strong jaw, his tall frame…everything. I felt tears well up in my eyes,

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,” I whispered pleadingly.

“You're sorry? You're f*cking sorry!? Is that supposed to make it all better? Are we supposed to be all happy and giddy again, now? Am I supposed to accept your apology?” he yelled, his face only inches from mine.

I didn't know what to say. The love of my life was standing in front of me. The love of my life was yelling at me. The love of my life wasn't going to forgive me.

“You don't have anything to say? Just like you haven't had anything to say for the past two years!? ‘'Hey, Nathan, I cheated on you! Bye!” That’s a hell of an explanation! Why didn't you answer my calls!? Why didn't you talk to me? I would have accepted your apology. I loved you! Why didn't you call!?“ by now, the whole restaurant was staring at us,

”Why should I?“ I looked at him, a tear sliding down my cheek, ”I'm not good enough for you, Nathan! I don't deserve you! And you should have loved me! You shouldn't have accepted my apology! What's wrong with you!? Why would you want to talk to me after what I did!?“

”I loved you, that's why! I was going to ask you to marry me! I'd bought the ring, for Christ's sake! We'd been together since seventh grade! Known each other since we were four years old! You made a mistake! We all do! Why couldn't you see that? Why didn't you stay!?“ I stared at him. He wanted me to marry him? He wanted me to be his, forever?

”Come with me,“ I pleaded, wanting to get away from the prying eyes of the people around us, ”Please,“

He looked like he was going to reject, but then followed me into an alley behind the restaurant. I turned to him, trying to hold back my tears. How could I have hurt him? He's so angelic.

”I was drunk. We were at a party. He asked me to dance. I didn't want to be mean, so I agreed. We kissed,“ I said, sitting down on a chair someone had put there for the garbage man, ”We kissed for about two minutes, before I realized what I was doing and went to your house and told you. Then I left. You didn't deserve a person like me,“

He stared at me, his eyebrow raised,

”You kissed for two minutes? You left me because of that!?You were drunk, for heavens sake! Do you honestly think I wouldn't want you after that?“ it sounded kind of stupid when he put it that way.

”I'm sorry,“

”So how many guys have you ‘cheated’ on, after me? Have you left every single boyfriend you've ever had because of shit like this?“ he asked. He was still angry, but not as much as earlier.

I looked down at my hands, ”You're the only guy I've been with. You and that guy are the only guys I've ever kissed. I'm not over you, Nathan. I loved you, and I still do. I think about you all the time. Hell, I was thinking about you the way over here. I was thinking about you when I handed my friend her present. How could I possibly have wanted anything other then you?“ he stared at me, a small hint of surprise behind his brilliant blue eyes.

Then, there was silence.

And on it went.

”So, you're sorry,“ Nathan finally stated, walking closer to me. I looked up at him, surprised. He didn't look angry anymore. Why didn't he look angry?

”I am. But as you said, that doesn't change what happened,“ I said. I didn't want him to have me. I wanted him to have someone better. Someone who he loved, and who loved him back, even though that love couldn't possibly be as strong as the one I have for him.

”It does if we want it to,“ he answered, kneeling down in front of me.

”How can you say that? After all I did to you?“ I asked, trying to ignore how close he was to me.

”If you regret, God will forgive your sins. Who am I to be against God's wishes?" he asked, smiling slightly. I couldn't take it anymore. I leaned in, and brushed my lips against his softly.

Those weren't fireworks. That wasn't a spark. It was an explosion.