Hugi.is - Notendur

Ways To Annoy Your College Roommate (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

* Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally. * Switch the sheets on your beds with the next door neighbors. * Twitch a lot. * Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. * Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. * Walk and talk backwards. * Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. * Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.” * Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while...

Value of A College Education (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time drinking, sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: 1.Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. 2.Things you will not need to know in...

Internet Commandments (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

12. Thou shalt not downloadeth porn on thine work computer, lest ye be cast out. 11. Thou shalt *** EARN *** REDEMPTION *** FAST!!!! *** 10. Thou shalt not make for yourself a graven image of that which is copyrighted. 9. Thou shalt not pop up any unwanted windows before me, for I shall smite them immediately with a hasty click and read them not. 8. Thou shalt use no browser other than Internet Explorer, for thy Gates is a jealous Gates. 7. Thou shalt not forward chain letters. Instead, send...

Actual Signs (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

* At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. * On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy * In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. * On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. * On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. * In the window of a Kentucky appliance...

Move to Arizone Diary (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

May 30th - Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home I love it here. June 14th - Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper. June 30th...

Why I Was Fired After The Christmas Party (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

A letter of apology… When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a “dirty son of a bitch” to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb...

Adventures In Honeymooning (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

The newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out that they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. “OK, honey,” he says, “this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll...

Marriage or Prison (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. “What's wrong with you?” she asked him. “Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were...

Military Rules Of Combat (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

* If the enemy is in range, so are you. * Incoming fire has the right of way. * Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. * There is always a way. * The easy way is always mined. * Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. * Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. * The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them and when you're not ready for them. * Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. * If you...

The Camel (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel.” The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I...

Dwarf Trouble (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, “ONE, TWO, THREE…HUH!” all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?” The first...

Milking It (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line, the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, “Those hives are pretty close to the road.” The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone. The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer...

Justification (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him. “What'll ya have?” he asked. “Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go.His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. “Yuck, it's bloody shit!” she spluttered. “I don't know how you can drink this stuff!” “Well, there you go,” cried the...

New Bar (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign over the bar which reads : Cheese sandwich $2 Ham sandwich $3 Hand-job $10 He checks his wallet, then approaches the gorgeous barmaid. “Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs” he asks. “Yes” she says with a smile. “Well wash your fucking hands and make me a cheese sandwich”

Complaints Of Modern Day Vampires (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

* Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. * NutraSweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap. * Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. * Three Words: Daylight Savings Time * Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, “Look Ma! It's Elvis!” * After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin. * After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira. * No bat is...

Santa's Little Friend (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, “What would you like for Christmas?” The kid says, “A damn swingset.” Santa says, “You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?” The kid says, “A damn sandbox for the side yard.” Santa says, “That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?” The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, “I want a damn trampoline in the front yard.”...

Overworked (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school,which leaves 48 million to do the work Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves...

Forced Retirement (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure...

Who Is The Bravest? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest. To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: “Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing ‘Wild Blue Yonder’, and then jump off!” “YES SIR!” replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem,salutes, and jumps off, hitting the ground at...

Taking Up A Collection (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving.” He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, “Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?” The officer replies, “The President just found out he was impeached and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to...

The New Barbie Dolls (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

* White Trash Barbie: She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, think-thur-better'n-you Barbies! Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer-park friend. Every White Trash Barbie comes complete with: two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie's smoking pleasure, a six-pack of cheap beer to refresh Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watching TV, stylish, every occasion Spandex pants*, halter top and sandals (*Hot pants or blue...

Why God Loves Blondes (1 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

Why God Loves Blondes A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray… “God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.” Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays… God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house...

Greind og persónuleiki. (3 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

Við erum stödd á bar þar sem að Gunnar situr á spjalli við Barþjónin. Barþjónninn segjir: “Sem barþjónn hef ég lært að þekkja fólk og áhugamál þeirra og ég skal veðja við þig að ég get hafið samræður við hvern sem er”. Gunnar svaraði þá: Ekki sjens, það getur ekki verið að þú sért svona klár, ég slæ til. Barþjónninn gengur að manni sem er klæddur í grá jakkaföt og spyr: “Hver er greindarvísitala þín ?” Maðurinn svarar: “152” Barþjónninn spyr hann þá “Hefurðu eitthvað verið að fylgjast með...

Gosi (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

Gosi vildi breyta til og tók saman við konu. Ekki var langt um liðið er Gosi fór til fundar við trésmiðinn og hann ráða sér heilt í vandræðum sínum. “Konan kvartar sáran undan flísum úr mér, hvað er til ráða?” Trésmiður taldi málið einfalt viðureignar og rétti Gosa örk af fínum sandpappír. Nokkru síðar hittast þeir félagar á förnum vegi og trésmiður spyr hvernig gangi. “Fínt” segir Gosi. “Konan er þá hætt að kvarta”, segir smiður. “Konan!” svaraði Gosi, “mér líkaði svo vel við sandpappírinn...

Bubbles (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 8 mánuðum

Það var framið morð við litlu tjörnina og rannsóknalögreglan fór málið. Hún byrjaði að spyrja fyrstu öndina. Löggan: What´s your name and what the hell were you doing at the time of the crime!? Önd nr.1: My name is Kwak and I was down by the pond blowing bubbles. Löggan sagði okey og fór að spyrja næstu önd. Löggan: What´s your name and what the hell were you doing at the time of the crime!? Önd nr.2: My name is Kwak Kwak and I was down by the pond blowing bubbles. Löggan fór í að spyrja...

Notendur

Ways To Annoy Your College Roommate (0 álit)

Value of A College Education (0 álit)

Internet Commandments (0 álit)

Actual Signs (0 álit)

Move to Arizone Diary (0 álit)

Why I Was Fired After The Christmas Party (0 álit)

Adventures In Honeymooning (0 álit)

Marriage or Prison (0 álit)

Military Rules Of Combat (0 álit)

The Camel (0 álit)

Dwarf Trouble (0 álit)

Milking It (0 álit)

Justification (0 álit)

New Bar (0 álit)

Complaints Of Modern Day Vampires (0 álit)

Santa's Little Friend (0 álit)

Overworked (0 álit)

Forced Retirement (0 álit)

Who Is The Bravest? (0 álit)

Taking Up A Collection (0 álit)

The New Barbie Dolls (0 álit)

Why God Loves Blondes (1 álit)

Greind og persónuleiki. (3 álit)

Gosi (0 álit)

Bubbles (0 álit)

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Dægurmál

Fræði

Leikir

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Notendur

Ways To Annoy Your College Roommate (0 álit)

Value of A College Education (0 álit)

Internet Commandments (0 álit)

Actual Signs (0 álit)

Move to Arizone *Diary* (0 álit)

Why I Was Fired After The Christmas Party (0 álit)

Adventures In Honeymooning (0 álit)

Marriage or Prison (0 álit)

Military Rules Of Combat (0 álit)

The Camel (0 álit)

Dwarf Trouble (0 álit)

Milking It (0 álit)

Justification (0 álit)

New Bar (0 álit)

Complaints Of Modern Day Vampires (0 álit)

Santa's Little Friend (0 álit)

Overworked (0 álit)

Forced Retirement (0 álit)

Who Is The Bravest? (0 álit)

Taking Up A Collection (0 álit)

The New Barbie Dolls (0 álit)

Why God Loves Blondes (1 álit)

Greind og persónuleiki. (3 álit)

Gosi (0 álit)

Bubbles (0 álit)

Move to Arizone Diary (0 álit)