(A collection of men's thoughts on their women.)

… she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the
television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The
crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.
–Howard, Dodge City, Kan.

… she was furious when I got up early once and made her
breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she
would eat breakfast,let alone what she'd have?
–Ted, Wexford, Pa.

… what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-
shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never
her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp.
She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just
to see what she'd do.
–Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.

… she makes lists; Things to buy, things to do, people to
call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be
funny, I put “sex” on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the
list, or it doesn't get done.
–Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.

… you can hear her eat soup from the next room.
–Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.

… when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her.
And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the
idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when
it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty
intense.
–Jim, Minneapolis

… my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During
meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they
know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs.
–Miles, Shreveport, La.

… every so often boom! Shes a brunette. Or I come home to a
redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.
–Cary, Seattle

… she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She
says she's not afraid of the pain; she just doesn't want to put
herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.
–Terence, Gary, Ind.

… Shes stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will
know she's a natural blonde.
–Ned, Tucson, Ariz.

… she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
-Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.

… have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime
smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think
you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next
to you?
–Arthur, Cedar City, Utah

… my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically
stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate.
–Bryan, Toledo, Ohio

… after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she
left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you
hear, “ … and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and
your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning…”
–Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

… in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football
team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone
repairman,a cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me.
–Neil, Orlando, Fla.

… she wears these false eyelashes. She left ‘em lying around
and I slammed ’em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn
things. Scared me half to death.
–Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.

… she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find
her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some
nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair.
–Archie, St. Louis

… she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks
they're crowded and plebeian. She doesn't even look at the
reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.
–Conrad, Wilmington, Del.

… it annoys her that our children look like me.
–James, New Orleans

… counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women.
Somebody's always got PMS.
–Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

… with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife.
I don't have time to notice her.
–Bob, Charleston, W.Va.<br><br>******************************
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