Adam was feeling lonely in the Garden of Eden, and so God said:“I can create a woman for you.”
“What's that?” asked Adam.
“Oh, it's something really nice”, God replied. “Lovely to look at, gentle, kind, sex whenever you want it, never has a headache…”
“Sounds great”, said Adam, “but I bet it doesn't come cheap. What'll it cost me?”
“An arm and a leg”, God replied.
Adam thought about it for a minute, then asked: “What can I have for a rib?”
The rest is history…

——————-

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”
“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them while I was looking around I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

“I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks
like yours!’”

“I don't remember much after that …”

——————–

Exchange between coastguard and boat in emergency:
“Mayday, mayday. Can you hear us? Can you hear us? We are sinking. We are sinking.”
“Hello. Zis is ze German coastguard.”
“We are sinking. We are sinking.”
“Vot are you sinking ABOUT?”

————

A woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks, “Are they twins?” “No,” the woman responds, surprised. “One is 7, the other is 9. Do they look alike?” The shopkeeper shrugs his shoulders and says “No, I just can't believe someone like you got laid twice!”

————–

Two cows were grazing in a meadow on a fine summers afternoon. One said to the other, “You know Mavis, I'm not worried about this mad cow thing.”
'Why's that Doris?“ replied Mavis.
'Because I'm a squirrel!' came the reply.


—————-

Lights Off!!!

There was this couple that had been married for 20
years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on
shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this
was ridiculous. She figured she would freak him out of this crazy
habit. So one night while they were in the middle of a wild,
screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked
down… and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure
device… a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a ”real one“.
She went completely ballistic. ”You impotent bastard,“ she screamed
at him, ”How could you be lying to me all of these years? You
better explain yourself!“ The husband looks her straight in the
eyes and says calmly: ”I'll explain the toy…. you explain the
kids.