“What's wrong with that, Johnny?” the pastor asked.
“Well,” answered Johnny, “I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time.”
Little Johnny's father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, “Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have?”
Johnny replied, “It has two.”
Little Johnny's father then asked, “How many eyes does the rooster have?”
Johnny replied, “It has two.”
Little Johnny's father then asked, “Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had?”
Johnny replied, “It has two, daddy.”
So then, Little Johnny's daddy said, “Well then, a big white cat walks up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have?”
Little Johnny scratched his head and replied, “I don't know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have?”
Little Johnny's daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, “Alright boy, how come you know so much about big black cock and so little about white pussy?”
One year, Johnny's family was having the “extended family” 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state.
Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic - they even had extra food to bring. “Sure, the more the merrier!”
Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it is discovered that he's a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Johnny, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. The family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells then the gas grill is all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.
They head out the back, as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says “Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”
“Oh, yes! Nobody will ever think to look in the grill!”
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I've lost my dad!”
The policeman said, “What's he like?”
Little Johnny replied, “Beer and women!”
There has been an emergency when Bert gets home from work. His 9 year old son, Little Johnny called to tell him that his younger son has been hurt, he was hit by a car. Bert rushes through the doors of the emergency room at the hospital, “I got here as fast as I could! How is Milton?”
He is told by his wife, “He's fine. He needed three stitches in his chin.”
“Johnny told me what happened! Thank goodness he's all right! Thank goodness he wasn't killed! I can't believe our Little Milty was hit by a car!”
“That's what Johnny told you?” asks Wilma.
“Well, he said some other stuff, too, but I was running out the door? Why?”
“Are you familiar with the ‘Hot Wheels’ line of vehicles?”
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. “Not correct, Miss!” he says.
“Please explain, Johnny,” replies the teacher. “Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went ‘ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!’ and before he could say ‘F*CK OFF!’, the dog ate him!”
Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. “Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?”
Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, “Nah, that's too old fashioned.” Johnny takes another drag, “Spit out your gum, I wanna play President.”
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
“Pastor,” Johnny says, “I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust.”
“That's right, Johnny, I did.”
“And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust.”
“Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?”
“Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed ‘cause there’s someone either comin' or goin'!”
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don't want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
“Oh Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don’t really get it on, I've got nothing left to believe in!”
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,” and would his mother, “please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.”
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom and closes the door.
“First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse.”
So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
“Ok, now take off my skirt.” He takes off her skirt.
“Now take off my bra.”
So he does.
“And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.”
When Johnny finishes removing those, she says, “Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!”
A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat?
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, “By fur Miss?”
The teacher replies, “Not quite right Mary, but a good try.”
Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying “Me, Miss! Me, Miss!”
The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he answers, “Is it attached by skin Miss?”
The teacher replies, “Not quite right either, Peter… anybody else want to try?”
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, “What do you think the tail is attached by?”
Johnny replied, “Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat… I'd say it would have to be bolted on!”
Little Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off. He says, “Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby.”
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.
Johnny says, “Bow your head, Pop. Can't you see we're having a funeral?”
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I do what I do, I am who I am, if you don´t like it……PISS OFF
-psycho 2001</b>
líttu á heima síðuna mína <a href="http://kasmir.hugi.is/psycho“ target=”_blank“>hér</a>
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