1. First and foremost, we are not obligated
to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1- so if you get one,
be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video
you saw, it is not standard practice to come on
someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3- No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are not handles.

6. Extension to rule #5- do not push on the top of
my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done.
And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's “hummer week”-
get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit
so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8- “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls-if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave
me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just “wrecked” it for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games
immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you
would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy
the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also
rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't
care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they
don't get blow jobs often enough, keep our mouth shut.
It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because “it's awake” when you get up does not
mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.