Hérna eru “Nokkrir” Brandarar á Ensku.

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an A so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they thought! All at the same time, each one in his separate room, thought, this is going to be easy. Each finished the lengthy problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
For 95 points: Which tire?


A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It's a lot of money!” After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.” The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” laughed the president, “That's a stupid bet. ” You can never win that kind of bet!“ The old lady challenged, ”So, would you like to take my bet?“ ”Sure,“ said the president, ”I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!“ The little old lady then said, ”Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?“ ”Sure!“ replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.* He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer.
”I bet you the president's balls are square!“ The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. ”Well, Okay,“ said the president, ”$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.“* Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, ”What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?“ She replied, ”Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.“


When the líkami was first made, vildu allir hlutar hans be Boss.The Brain sagði: Since ég stjórna everything og sé um all the thinking, ætti ég að vera Bossinn. The hand sagði: since ég verð að gera all the work, og earn all the money til að halda the rest of you gangandi, ætti ég að vera Bossinn. The Eyes sögðu, since we must hafa augu með ykkur öllum og tell you hvar the danger steðjar að, we should be Boss. And so it went með hjartað, the ears, fæturna, the lungs og að lokum stóð the asshole upp og heimtaði að fá að vera Boss. All other parts veinuðu úr hlátri af hugmynd the asshole um að fá að vera the Boss. The asshole varð svo miður sín að það hreinlega lokaði sig af and refused to funkera, brátt brann breinið yfir, the eyes ranghvolfdust, the feet kiknuðu, the hands misstu mátt og hjartað and lungun börðust um. Brátt fóru all the parts að biðja brainið um að leyfa the asshole að vera the Boss. Og það er nú svo. All the other líkamshlutar did all the work og the asshole just bossed around and passed out a lot of shit.
Niðurstaðan

Þú þarft ekki að vera brain til að vera Boss. You just have to be an asshole.



Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, ”Why are you shaking so badly?“
The first flea says, ”I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.“
The other flea responds saying, ”That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do.
Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way to travel that I can think of.“
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next summer. A year goes by…..
When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, ”Didn't you try what I told you?“
”Yes,“ says the first flea, ”I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, “Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?” The man replies, “I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.” The woman, now feeling badly, says, “Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?” The man looks at her and says, “Pepper.”

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. “Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?” He declines. “It's this Viagra,” he says, “it's really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?” Again he declines. “No, thanks. It's this Viagra,” he says, “It's really taken the edge off my appetite.” At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes…?” Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite.” “Well then,” she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!”


A guy walks into the doctors and says “hi doc, i've got a p-p-p-p-p-p-problem my w-w-ifes going t-t-to d-d-d-divorce me because of m-m-my s-s-s-stutter. C-c-c-can you h-h-help?” The doc says “In my experience, most speech impediments are caused by a physical problem, so get behind the screen and remove your clothing for an examination” The guy whips his gear off and the doc walks in and exclaims “My god, I can see your problem immediately! Your cock is so big, its pulling the skin tight all the way up your torso to your neck! Its affecting your vocal chords!” The guy says “ W-w-what can you d-d-do to s-s-save m-m-my m-marriage then d-d-doc?” The doctor then outlines a plan to use a local anaesthetic chop a few inches out of the centre of the huge member and stitch the pieces together. The guy agrees to come in the following day for the operation. A few weeks later the guy returns to the doctors and says “Doctor, this is fantastic i can talk properly for the first time and it's wonderful, i owe it all to you, but i still have a problem. My wife still wants a divorce as now i can't satisfy her, cat you sew the old bit back on?” The doctor turns in his chair looks the guy straight in the eye and says “ You can f-f-f-f-f-fuck o-o-o-off!!!”

These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first guy says “It’s gotta be the booze, I’m always drunk “ The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of. The guy’s thinking, “Yeah! Look at all this alcohol!” and runs into the room. The second guy says, “It’s the women I could never stay faithful to my wife.” The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked women that you have ever seen And, he would be the only guy in there for 100 years. He couldn’t believe it. He goes in and the Devil shuts the door. The third man said “It’s gotta be the weed, I’m always tokin’ up” The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death weed. The stoner can’t believe it.He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He’s got an empty bottle in one hand, he’s completely naked, hasn’t shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke. “I’ll never drink again!”, he says. The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life. The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster than when he went in “I’m gay!” he screams. The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well.
The devil then comes to the third door, He opens it and nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The devil asks him if he learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek… “You got a light, Man.”

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says “Sir, did you call for me?“ The man replies, ”No, what do you mean?“ She says, ”You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.“ Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, obese, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. ”Did you call for me?“ says the hairy man.
”No, what do you mean?“ says the newcomer. ”You must be new here,“ says the hairy man, ”it’s a rule here that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.“ The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. ”May I help you?“ she says. The man yells, ”Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee.“ ”But sir,“ she replies, ”you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities.“ The man replies, ”Listen lady, I'm 58 years old; I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.“


A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, ”Your husband is suffering frim a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
“Each morning fix him a healthy breafast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. ”If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.“
On the way home the husband asked his wife , ”What did the doctor say?“ ”You're gonna die.“ she replied.

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - “and how much money do you make a week?” Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200.00 a week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - “here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!” Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - “does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?” With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - “That was the Pizza delivery guy”.

A blonde was driving home, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner decided to have some fun, and told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard & all the dents would pop out. So, she went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder & still nothing happened. Her roommate saw her and asked, ”What the f*ck are you doing?“ She told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ”Duh, Hello! You need to roll up the windows first!!“


A little girl asked her mum, ”Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?“
Mum replies, ”No, because she is in heat.“
”What's that mean?“ asked the child.
”Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.“
The little girl goes to the garage and says, ”Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.“
Dad said, ”Bring Belle over here.“
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, ”Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.“
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, ”Where's Belle?“
The little girl said, ”She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.“
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table..Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, ”What is that you just served?“
The waiter replied, ”Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning, a delicacy!“
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, ”What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!“
The waiter replied, ”I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy“!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, ”These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!“
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, ”Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.“



Sverrir fékk páfagauk í afmælisgjöf og komst fljótt að því að sá var með afbrigðum skapvondur og orðljótur. Sverrir gerði allt sem honum datt í hug til að venja fuglinn af þessum ósið, hann notaði sjálfur eintóm kurteisisorð, spilaði hugljúfar ballöður fyrir hann og reyndi með því að sýna honum gott fordæmi. Ekkert gekk upp. Hann prófaði að skamma fuglinn sem svaraði honum fullum hálsi. Hann hristi búrið en gaukurinn varð bara enn skapverri og dónalegri við það. Sverrir vissi nú ekki sitt rjúkandi ráð og í örvæntingu sinni tók hann fuglinn og setti hann í frystikistuna. Um stundarsakir heyrðust ógurleg læti úr kistunni, fuglinn sparkaði og öskraði og bölvaði – en skyndilega datt allt í dúnalogn og ekki eitt einasta hljóð heyrðist í langan tíma. Sverrir fór nú að óttast að hann hefði meitt fuglinn og flýtti sér að opna kistuna. Páfagaukurinn var hins vegar hinn rólegasti, steig upp á útrétta hönd Sverris og sagði: ”Að undanförnu hefur hegðun mín og orðbragð ekki verið til eftirbreytni og sennilegast orðið til að móðga þig. Ég mun þegar í stað taka mig rækilega á og breyta þessari hegðun minni.
Mér þykir verulega leitt hvernig ég hef látið og mig langar til að biðja þig innilega fyrirgefningar.“ Sverrir varð orðlaus af undrun og var um það bil að fara að stama upp spurningu um hvað hefði valdið breytingunni þegar páfagaukurinn hélt áfram: ”Bara svona fyrir forvitni sakir, hvað gerði kjúklingurinn eiginlega?“

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, ”I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us!“
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, ”Come on in.“
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, ”Are you the people that broke my window?“
”Uh…yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,“ the husband replied.
”Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.“
”Wow, that's great!“ the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ”I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.“
”No problem,“ said the genie. ”You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!“
”And now you, young lady, what do you want?“ the genie asked.
”I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in ever country in the world,“ she said.
”Consider it done,“ the genie said. ”And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!“
”And now,“ the couple asked in unison, ”what's your wish, genie?“
”Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.“
The husband looked at his wife and said, ”Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?“
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ”You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?“
”You know I love you sweetheart,“ said the husband. ”I'd do the same for you!“
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of theafternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable! After about three hours of nonstop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked ”How old are you and your husband?“
”Why, we're both 35,“ she respondedonded breathlessly.
”NO SHIT! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?“

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, ”Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?“
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, ‘Well yeah, if that’s what they are. I never heard of circle flies.”
So the farmer says. “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.
The trooper says, ”Oh,“ and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, ”Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?“
The farmer says, ”Oh no officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.“
The trooper says, ”Well that's a good thing“, and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause the farmer says, ”Hard to fool them flies though.“


A woman is walking along the road with a duck under her arm. A man approaches and inquires ”Hey, where are you going with that pig?“
The woman replies ”This is a duck.“
With that the man says ”I know. I was talking to him!“


There was this tiger who woke up one morning and just felt great. He felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, ”Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals!?!“ And this poor quaking little monkey replied, ”You are of course, no one is mightier than you.“ A little while later, this tiger confronts a deer and just bellows out, ”Who is the greatest and strongest of all the jungle animals!?!!“ The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer, ”Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle.“ The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds and roared at the top of his voice, ”Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle!?!?!!“ Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down, picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black, and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says, ”Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed!“


There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
* Hello?
* Honey, It's me.
* Sugar!
* Are you at the club?
* Yes,
* Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat… It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?
* What's the price?
* Only $1,500.00
* Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…
* Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…
* What price did he quote you?
* Only $96,000…
* OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
* Great! Before we hang up, something else…
* What? * It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year … It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…
* How much are they asking?
* Only $450,000… a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…
* Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?
* OK, sweetie… Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!
* Bye… I do too…
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
* Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?


Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession….to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts….but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said ”I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes“. Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed. The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts. Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth. And Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King…



Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jimsuddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, ”Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. “The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am sorry, but he's dead.” Mary replied, “He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.


A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with his friends when an exceptionally beautifull, extremely sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young woman said to him, ‘I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.’
The man considered his proposition for a moment and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand along with his address. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, ”Clean my house.“



A man goes into a novelty store looking for an aniversary present for his wife. The owner of the store asked if he could help and he said that he had just the thing for him. He brougt out a box that said ”Voodoo dick“ and said, now this is just what she needs. You tell it to do any thing and it will do it. To prove his point the man removed the lid unvailing a long black dick. Then he said, ”Voodoo dick, Door“ and the dick flew to the front door and started banging the hell out of it. The man paid for it and went strait home for his wife. Later that night he said to his wife that he would be leaving in a couple of hours and he wanted to go ahead and give her the aniversary present. He took out the box and she gazed at it a while as he explained to her what it was. then he said ”voodoo dick, my wife“ and it jumped out of the box and went to work giving the old gal more dicking than her husband ever gave her. He then told his wife that he was leaving to go back to his job as a trucker. He left without telling his wife how to work it so for hours the dick just keeped fucking her and she couldnt take it any more so she decided to go to the hospital to get some help. on the way over she got pulled over by a police man and he asked her what was going on… she told him the whole story of the voodoo dick and without thinking the cop said ”Voodoo Dick my Ass!!“


This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle it. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.
A few minutes later a white woman walks in and asks, ”How much for the white dildo?“ He answers, ”$35.“ She: ”How much for the black one?“ He: ”$35 for the black one, they are the same price.“
She: ”I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before.“ She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks ”How much for the black dildo?“ He: ”$35.“
She: ”How much for the white one?“ He: ”$35 for the white one also, they are the same price.“ She: ”Hmmm…I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…“ She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, ”How much are your dildos?“ He: ”$35 for the white, $35 for the black.“
She: ”Hmmmmm….how much is that plaid one on the shelf?“
He: ”Well, that's a very special dildo…it'll cost you $150.“
She thinks for a moment and answers, ”I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before….“ She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, ”How did you do while I was gone?“ The salesman responded, ”I think I did pretty good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $150!“


A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Colorado Avalanche fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Avalanche fans too. Not really knowing what an Avalanche fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
“Because I’m not an Avalanche fan,” she retorts. “Then,” asks her teacher, “what are you?” “I’m a proud Detroit Red Wings Fan,” boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is a Wings fan. “Well, my Dad and Mom are Wings fans, so I’m a Wings fan too,” she responds. The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot. What would you be then?”
“Oh,” says the little girl. “Well, then I’d be an Avalanche fan.”


A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, “I better open this one and see what it’s all about.” So he opened it and it read: “Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check.” “Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.” “I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?” The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?” “Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. “ “By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office.”


A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say “Gimme a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant.” The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?” “Yes, of course I am paying attention ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came.”


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ”What is Politics?“
Dad says, ”Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,”
The father says, “Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “The President is screwing The Working Class, while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit.”
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?” He replied, “Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am.”
She said, “I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women.” The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.”
A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife asked the man, “Do you live here?”
“No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!” he answered.
The wife asked, “Are you a genie?”
“Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself,” the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded his head and said, “Done!”
The genie now said, “For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire.”
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, “How long have you been married?”
To which she responded, “Three years.”
The genie then asked, “How old is your husband?”
To which she replied, “31 years old”

The genie then asked, “And how long has he believed in this genie crap?”