“So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said ‘You’ve been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I said ‘I careered off the road.’”


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“Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘Aaaaaaagghhhh!’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.”


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“He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.'”


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“And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said ‘Yes, this is my livelihood.’”


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“So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ”Can you give me a lift?“ I said ”Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'“


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”You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine. ’So that was nice.“


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So I went to the dentist. He said ”Say Aaah.“ I said ”Why?“ He said ”My dog's died.'“


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”Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.“
<br><br>Vectro

”Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."