If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six, toasters.

If Radio Shack made toasters… The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If texans made toasters… You would pour oil in one end and something they call toast would ooze out the other end. These toasters would be free, paid for by taxes to cover subsidies.

If Oracle made toasters… They'd claim their toasters was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters… They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Thinking Machines made toasters… You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters… They would cost $16 million, but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If the Rand Corporation made toasters… It would be a large, perfectly smooth and aseamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If Sony made toasters… The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters… They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that “Take A Liscking and Keep on Toasting.”

If Fisher Price made toasters… “Baby's First Toaster” would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops like a Jack-in-the-Box.

If CostCo made toasters… They'd be really cheap, as long you bought a six-packl of ‘em.

If NetScape made toasters… It would toast your neighbor’s bread.

And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take 95% of in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want it to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Any appliance not made by Microsoft would be disabled. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but would buy them anyway since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters… It would match every claim made my Microsoft, but do it 5 years earlier.