Q: What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?

A: “Hey y'all… Watch this!”



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Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a Pringle ?

A: One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.



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Q: What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom?

A: A mugger snatches watches



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Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Para-olympics?

A: Having two legs.



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Q: What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?

A: Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum



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Q: Why do they call it PMT?

A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.



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Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?

A: Nice tits!



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Q: How do you know when you are getting old?

A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.



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Q: What do women and prawns have in common?

A: There heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great



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Q: Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?

A: Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and fuck herself.



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Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?

A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.



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Q: What's the definition of a Yankee?

A: Same thing as a “quickie”, only you do it yourself!!



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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?

A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.



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Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count

A: Your date has to chew before she swallows



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Q: Why do seagulls have wings?

A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.



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Q: What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other?

A: Gee, we really DO taste like chicken.



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Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?

A: They were both designed for the kids, but its the fathers who are always playing with them.



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Q: Why did god invent alcohol?

A: So fat women can get laid too.



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Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night



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Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?

A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.



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Q: How can you tell if a witch is horny?

A: Check out which end of the broomstick she's riding.



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Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?

A: Your last blow job.



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Q: What's 100 yds long and smells of piss?

A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.



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Q: What's green and gets you pissed?

A: A Giro



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Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?

A: They can both stick their bills up their arse.



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Q: Why don't blind people skydive?

A: It scares the shit out of the dog.



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Q: What have women and condoms got in common?

A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.



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Q: What does Joan Collins put behind her ears to attract men?

A: Her feet.



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Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: You can get to sleep with a light on.



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Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A: Piiig



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Q: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's probably screwed in too tight anyway.



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Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?

A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.



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Q: What have a fat woman and a moped got in common?

A: They're both fun to ride, but you don?t want your mates to see you on either one of them.



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Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?

A: Buy her some flowers.



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Q: What is the definition of confusion?

A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.



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Q: What is the definition of disgusting?

A: Siamese twins joined by the mouth, and one throws up.