1. “Don't you have some laundry to do, or something?”

2. “No, really, I was laughing about…this joke I heard one time.”

3. “Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset.”

4. “You're just upset because your ass is starting to spread.”

5. “Wait a minute, I get it … What time of the month is it?”

6. “Are you gonna cry? {Force lip to quiver mockingly} Cry for your mommy?”

7. “You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?”

8. “Sorry, I was just picturing her naked.”

9. “That reminds me. Next time you go to the store, could you add ‘giant cork’ to the shopping list?”

10. “Whoa, time out honey, halftime's over”

11. “Looks like someone had an extra big bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning.”

12. “Is there anyway we could do this via e-mail?”

13. “Hey baby-if I want a lecture about commitment, I can get one from my real wife.”

14. “I could so use a blow job right about now.”

15. “Who are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded.”