The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” said the officer.

“Im going to a lecture.” the man said.

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.

“My wife.” said the man.





A man and his wife enter a bar. They sit down at the bar and order a couple drinks. The wife notices another man staring at her. Her husband then stands up and excuses himself to the bathroom. The man who had been staring at the woman walks over and whispers in her ear.
“I want to lick your nipples, and then I want to squeeze your ass, and finally, I want to fill your pussy up with tequila and drink it out.”
Amazed, the woman says nothing. The man walks away. The woman's husband comes back a minute or two later. The woman turns to her husband and says,
“That man over there said he wants to lick my nipples.”
Pissed, the man stands up and says, “What else did he say?”
“He also said he wants to squeeze my ass.”
“That's it, I'm kicking his ass.”
“Wait, he also told me he wants to fill my pussy up with tequila, and drink it all out.” After hearing this, the man abruptly sits down.
“What are you doing? Aren't you going to kick his ass?” The woman says to her husband.
He replies with, “What are you crazy?? I'm not fighting a man who can drink that much tequila.”





She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a
new place.

The ex-wife called her ex-husband, and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.




A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, “Umm… err, Ive never purchased condoms before, and I dont know what size to buy.”

“Thats okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back.”

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, “Have you decided on the appropriate size?”

“Screw the condoms Just give me 3 yards of that fence”




Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. “Who is it?”, calls one of the nuns. “Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

“Nice tits,” says the man, “where do you want these blinds?”




A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, “Lord, have mercy – I cant give you cyanide to kill your husband Thats against the law Ill lose my license, theyll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didnt tell me you had a prescription.





Svo eru hér nokkrar gátur.


1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.

The first is full of raging fires,
the second is full of assassins with loaded guns,
and the third is full of lions that havent eaten in 3 years.

Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. Im curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.





Answers:

1. The third. Lions that havent eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal.

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

6. The letter ”e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph