One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling “You son of a bitch!” he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun.
The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him.
“Oh, please do something,” begged the salesman. “I'm a rich man and can pay you anything.”
“Sorry, son,” said the doctor. “There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help.”
“Oh? Is he a specialist?” asked the salesman.
“No,” said the doctor, “he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face.”

There was a fellow who had never been to bed with a woman, so two of his friends decided to play a trick on him. They bought an inflatable love doll and put it into his bed. Then called him at work and told him the girl of his dreams was home in bed and ready for anything.
The next day his friends asked him how things had gone. “Very strange,” he replied. “I slipped out of my clothes and got in beside her. She was cold, so I tried to warm her up. Then I bit her on the neck, but she just farted a few times and flew out the window!”

A conductor, while taking tickets on the train, noticed a lady with a small and extremely ugly baby on her lap. “Lady,” the conductor said, “that is by far the ugliest baby I have ever seen.”
The woman, horrified by the conductor's comment, began screaming at him, and demanded that her money be refunded and the conductor be fired. The head conductor then came into the car and tried to smooth things over.
“Listen, lady,” he said, “if you will forget all about this matter, I'll see that you get the best treatment possible, I'll give you your money back, and I'll even try to find you a nice, ripe banana for that monkey of yours.”

Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, their conversation turned to children.
“My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue,” announced one.
Not to be outdone, the second remarked, “My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street.”
The third remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, the first matron inquired, “And you, dear, do you have a son?”
“And is he a professional?” demanded the second.
“Well, not exactly,” answered the third. “Actually, he's a plumber. And not only that, he's gay.”
Beaming, one of the poor woman's interrogators offered consolation: “Ah, he's not doing so well.”
This time it was the third woman who smiled. “He's not doing too badly,” she explained. “He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most successful lawyer on Wall Street.”

An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women.
Walking into the local saloon he asked a cocky shitkicker, “What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?”
“Ya mean women?” asked the shitkicker. “We ain't got none. ‘Round here folks fuck sheep.”
“That’s disgusting,” cried the correspondent, “I've never heard of such moral degredation.”
However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive.
So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.
Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.
“You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!” the reporter yelled. “You've been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!”
One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, “Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!”

Did you hear about the computer salesman with two red ears who went to the doctors office? The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears.
“I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang,” answered the salesman. “But instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.”
“Damn,” the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. “But then, what happened to your other ear?” The salesman replied, “Whoever it was called back.”