An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-Honey, MY Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and,clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host,
“I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.” The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said, “I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”

—————-

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
“Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.”
“ONE CENT!” exclaimed the guy.
The bartender replied “Yes.”
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?”
“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, but all that comes to real
money.“
”How much money?“ inquires the guy.
”4 cents“, he replies.
”FOUR cents!“ exclaims the guy. ”Where's the guy who owns this
place?“
The bartender replies, ”Upstairs with my wife.“
The guy says, ”What's he doing with your wife?“
The bartender replies, ”Same as I'm doing to his business.“

————————————-

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ”Hurry!“ she said, ”Stand in the corner.“ She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. ”Don't move until I tell you to,“ she whispered. ”Just pretend you're a statue.“
”What's this, honey?“ the husband inquired as he entered the room.
”Oh, it's just a statue,“ she replied nonchalantly. ”The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too. “ No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. ”Here,“ he said to the ‘statue’, ”eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.“

————————————————


THE SECOND AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:
Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

”I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,“ said the mortician, ”but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this - it has to be saved for posterity.“ And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's unit.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife. ”I have something to show
you that you won't believe,“ he said, and opened his briefcase.

”Oh my God!“ she screamed, ”Schwartz is dead!"