The next time you're having a bad day, imagine you're a Siamese
twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay and you're
not. But you only have one ass. Feel better?

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the
luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in
his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call
hospitality.

When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After
school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he
would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that
Uncle Caveman was a bear.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane
crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the
crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke
up and go, “What was THAT?!”

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a
lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because
you'd really be surprised.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint
gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how
gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word
itself: “Mankind.” Basically, it's made up of two separate words-
“mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and
that's why so is mankind.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an
old burned-down warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned
down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought
it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real
Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

AND


My Good Deed

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St.
Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is
written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book,
furrows his brow, and says, “I'm sorry, I don't see your name
written in the Book.”

“How current is your copy?” he asks.

“I get a download every ten minutes.” St. Peter replies, “Why do
you ask?”

“I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type.
It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God,
so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet.”

“I'm glad to hear that, ”Pete says, “but while we're waiting for
the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good
deed that you did in your life?”

The guys thinks for a moment and says, “Hmmm, well there was this
one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of
biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and
sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this
poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron
out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was
a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket
and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to
the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to
get lost or I'd be next.”

“So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him
over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and
yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor innocent girl alone!
You’re all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I
really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'”

St. Peter, duly impressed, says “Wow! When did this happen”

“About three minutes ago.”

AND

Can you guess the gender of these items?

SWISS ARMY KNIFE – male, because even though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS – female, because they always go TIRE – male, because it goes
bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it … and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE – female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.

COPIER – female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are
pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they > hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them.

SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS – female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER – male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL – female…Ha!…you thought I'd say male. But consider,
it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't
always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.