During all police investigations it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin 555.
When being chased through town it is best to take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade—at any time of the year.
Most dogs are immortal.
All beds have special L-shaped sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.
Anyone can land a plane, provided someone in the control tower talks you through it.
Dinosaurs only eat ugly and/or immoral people.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one ever thinks of looking for anyone in there. And you can travel without difficulty to any part of any building.
There is always a back way out through the kitchen.
10)Once applied, lipstick never rubs off—even when scuba diving.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition—even if you weren’t carrying any.
You’ll probably survive any battle in any war as long as you don’t show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will suffice.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from every window in Paris.
If an imminent natural disaster or a killer beast threatens your town, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist industry.
All single women have cats.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Whenever a large pane of glass is visible, someone will soon be thrown through it.
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill—just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare, plus tip.
If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by six inches.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from anywhere else in the universe.
Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of average people—whether they are employed or not.
Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, just open the fridge and use that light instead.
When staying in a haunted house, women always investigate strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor, but do always say: “Enter Password Now” in giant letters.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Crashing cars always burst into flames.
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist makes a man invulnerable to bullets.
If you’re ever caught up in a misunderstanding that could be quickly cleared up by a simple explanation, just keep your mouth shut.
The Chief of Police always suspends his star detective, unless he gives him 48 hours to solve the case.
A single match can brighten any room, no matter the size.
If a killer is lurking in your house, it’s easy to find him. Just run a bath—even in the middle of the day—then look in your bathroom mirror. He will suddenly appear behind you.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century we can fire weapons at objects out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Restaurant bills are always 15% less than the amount you are holding in your hand.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
A person being pursued will always stop and throw something at the person chasing them—even though it takes three times longer to stop and throw the obstacles than it takes the other person to jump over them.
Newborn babies can babble, crawl and hold their heads steady.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to waggle the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
All bombs come complete with electronic timers with large red LED readouts to announce exactly when they’re will explode.
You can always park directly outside any building you visit.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
In the event of a car chase, there will be two men carrying a large pane of glass through the streets for you to drive through.
Make-up can be worn to bed without smudging.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
A detective can only solve a case after he is suspended from duty.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
One man shooting at twenty men has a better chance of killing them than twenty men shooting at one man.
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river—or even a bath.
If a phone line is broken, the best way to restore communication is to frantically beat the cradle while yelling, “Hello? Hello?”
Bullets are unable to penetrate water.
A gang of highly-trained terrorists will always separate and search for an intruder on its own so its easy to kill them one at a time.
If you need to diffuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
Any laptop computer is powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
Megalomaniacs intent on world domination can’t resist detailing their evil plan to their arch-nemesis.
Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are either prostitutes or welders.
Full moons occur several nights in a row.
Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations—even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as their helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
If the person you are chasing has just taken the elevator down from the 20th floor, you can get to the street first by taking the stairs.
The person you trust most at work is the person trying to kill you.
During a weeklong murder investigation, detectives do not need to go home at any time to eat, sleep, shave, or change their clothes.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings—especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange accident.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts—your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
Long before sunbathing was fashionable, men and women had tan lines and white bottoms.
During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
When you turn off the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly blurred and darker.
All computer disks work in all computers, regardless of operating system.
Don’t worry about having the right version of software. All computers can open all files.
The only courses taught in American high schools are American History and English.
Dogs always know bad people and will bark incessantly at them.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
A slight blow to the head is enough to cause amnesia.
If you think there is an intruder in your house, your cat will choose that precise moment to leap at you.
The most beautiful girl in school will never be able to get a date.
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption, or alien invasion ever goes into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners speak English to each other.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
Deranged killers only escape when a thunderstorm has knocked out all the power and telephone lines.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
A credit card or a paper clip can pick any lock in seconds—unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
In school, the end-of-class bell always interrupts teachers in mid-sentence.
You know a man is British if he wears a bow tie.
When driving a car, it is normal not to look at the road, but rather at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat.
An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur does no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
Radiation causes interesting mutations—not to your future children but to you, there and then.
High-class strippers with a heart of gold can operate most heavy machinery.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks which will allow their captives at least twenty minutes to escape.
Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down days before they retire.
If you are blonde and pretty, you can be an expert in nuclear fission by age 22.
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they are to fall in love.
Having a job makes fathers forget their sons’ birthdays.
Television news bulletins always feature a story that affects you personally at the precise moment you turn on the TV.
Guns are like disposable razors—if you run out of bullets, just throw it away. You can always get another.