Our wasted friend asked, “Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?”
“Yeah, buddy, I'm sure,” said the copper. “Let's go.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple.”
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Does your wife ever…well, you know…does she…well, let you do it doggie style?” asked one of the two.
“Well, not exactly,” his friend replied, “She's more into the trick dog aspect of it.”
“Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?”
“Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead.”
A guy goes up to a girl in bar and asks, “You want to play ”Magic“?”
She says, “What's that?”
The guy answers, “We go to my house and screw, and then you disappear.”
There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk. When the bar closes he gets up to go home. He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door. As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by. He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face. The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say anything, he leans over and punches her again.
This time the nun hits the pavement. The drunk stumbles over to her, kicks her in the butt, picks her up and throws her against the wall. By now the nun is very weak and can barely move. He leans over her, grabbing her by the collar of her habit and says, “Not feeling too STRONG tonight, ARE YOU, BATMAN!”
This guy goes into a bar and sees a man pounding shots of bourbon as fast as the bartender can pour them. He watches for a while then finally goes up to the drunk.
“What kind of a way is that to drink good bourbon?” he asks.
“It's the only way I can drink it since my accident,” the man replies, throwing down two more shots in fast order.
“What kind of accident was that?”
The man guzzles another shot, shudders and then answers, “I once knocked over a drink with my elbow.”
An Irish guy walks into a bar. The bartender looks him up and down and says, “Hey, you got a steering wheel on your pecker.”
The man replies, “Ay, it's driving me nuts!”
A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self conscious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance.
“Would you like to dance with me?” he asked.
She replied, “Would I!” and he sneered and told her,“BIG NOSE!”
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, “One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!”
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace.
Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
Bill sat at The Local Bar, bragging about his athletic prowess. None of the regulars challenged him, but a visitor piped up, “I'll bet you 50 bucks that I can push something in a wheelbarrow for one block and you can't wheel it back.”
Bill looked over the skinny stranger and decided it wasn't much of a challenge. “I'll” take you on,“ he said.
The two men and a number of regulars borrowed a wheelbarrow and took it to the corner. ”Now let's see what you're made of,“ taunted Bill.
”Okay,“ said the challenger. ”Get in.“
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, ”Hey! How about it babe? You and me?“
As she got up to move, he said loudly, ”Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars.“
She looked back and replied just as loudly, ”What makes you think I charge by the inch?“
This guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand. He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand.
The bartender sees this and becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing.
So the bartender asks the guy, ”Hey man I hope you don't mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?“
The man say's, ”I have to get my date drunk!“
While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.He says, ”Say, honey. . . I'd really like to get into those pants o' yours.“
”Thanks,“ she shot back, ”but I've already got an asshole in there.“
Sitting at the bar, glum Roger told the barkeeper that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement. ”Yeah,“ said Roger, ”would you marry someone who didn't know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?“
”No way in hell,“ the bartender said.
”Well,“ said Roger, ”neither would my fiancée.“
A guy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, ”Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!“ The bartender pours out the shots, and the guy drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, ”Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.“
The guy replies, ”Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have.“
The bartender says ”Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?“ The guy says, ”Fifty cents.“
McNamara walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
”Excuse me,“ said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. ”What was that all about?“
”Nothing,“ said the Irishman, ”My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
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