How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you?
There's a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish Funeral?
One less drunk.

How many Irish does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty One. One to hold the bulb and twenty to drink until the room spins.

This really drunk guy walks up to a parking meter and puts in a quarter. He stares at the needle that has stopped at 60 and exclaims, “I can't believe I lost 100 pounds!”

What's the difference between a bar and a g-spot?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…

What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic.

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. “One thing about Jim,” his buddy said to the bartender, “He knows when to stop.”

There was a guy who had at least 4-5 drinks of whiskey every day of his adult life. When he died, they cremated him, and it took two days to put out the fire!





Three old ladies are walking down the street. They are hard of hearing.

One: “Whew, it's windy today!”

Two: “No. Today's Thursday!”

Three: “So am I! Let's go to a bar!





A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

”Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?“ he asks.

”Well,“ she replied, ”You can start by buying me a drink.“





A beer was spilt on the barroom floor,
And the bar was closed for the night…
And out of his hole, crawled a little brown mouse,
Who made a funny sight…
He lapped up that beer, on the barroom floor,
And back on his haunches he sat…
And all through the night you could hear him yell,
”Bring on the damn cat!“




After spending a happy evening drinking together, two acquaintances promise to meet again in ten years at the same bar, same time.

Ten years later, the first guy walks in, looks around, and sure enough, there is his friend on a bar stool. He clasps the old friend's hand and cries, ”The day we left, I didn't think I'd really see you here!“

The friend looks up, stares, sways slightly and asks, ”Who left?“






A man's driving along when he's pulled over by a cop car.

A cop approaches him and asks, ”Have you been drinking, sir?“

”Nah, why?“ replies the man. ”Have I got a fat chick in my car?“





A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, ”I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on.“

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, ”Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?“

The husband replies, ”No - I'm turning the heating off.“






New studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant.

Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Camaro with sticky hair.





Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, ”It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.“






Two young Irish men were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said, ”I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?“

The other one said, ”Two rattlesnakes!“





A rather drunk man was walking along the street one day. He was staggering quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him, very nervous. The two nuns split apart and one walked to the man's left and one walked to the man's right.

After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, ”Now how in the hell did she do that?“





The bar was getting ready to close, so he asked the nearest woman: ”What would you say to a little “oral” activity?“

”That all depends,“ she quickly responded. ”Your face, or mine?“





This small skinny dude walks up to the bar and starts to sit on a bar stool, and a big dude on the next stool says, ”That seat's taken!“

The little dude sits down anyway. The big dude grabs him and whacks him several times with the back of his hand and tells the bartender, ”When he wakes up, tell him that was Judo from Japan.“

Next day the little dude returns, before the big dude gets a chance to hit him, he hits the big dude several times and the big dude falls to the floor. The little dude tells the bartender, ”Tell that sucker when he wakes up, that was a Monkey Wrench from Sears.“






The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

”Good lord, mister,“ he gasped, ”Are you drunk?“

”Of course,“ said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. ”What the hell do you think I am … a stunt driver?“





A man walks into a bar and orders a beer and the bartender asks him to pay up. The guy says he has no money, but for the beer, he will sing through his asshole. The bartender is a little bit skeptical, but figures if the guy can do it, it's worth a beer. He agrees and the guy gets up on a stool, drop his pants, bends over, and then shits all over the bar. The bartender is pissed and screams, ”What the hell did you do that for?“

The guy replies, ”Sorry, I was just clearing my throat.“




Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call,
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.



A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley.

He asks the bum, ”Who's Jesus Christ?“

The bum replies, ”Well, I am.“

The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, ”Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"