Dilberts Words of Wisdom 1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 4. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again. 5. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling ? 6. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 7. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 8. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. Dilbert's Laws 1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. 2. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 3. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. 4. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. 5. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 6. Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.” 7. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 8. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. 9. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. 10. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. 11. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 12. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 13. Following the rules will not get the job done. 14. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 15. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?” 16. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.