The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the
arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

3rd RunnerUp

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because
they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the
Chinese cannot use acronyms; thus, they cannot communicate
their ideas at a faster rate.

2nd RunnerUp

The ‘Why Yawning Is Contagious’ Theory: You yawn to equalize
the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside
your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
they must yawn to even it all out.

1st RunnerUp

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite
number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun
rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will
eventually produce all the world's great literary works in
Braille.

HONORABLE MENTION:

The quantity of consonants in the English language is
absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one
geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian
“pahks” his “cah”, the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a
Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl wells.”

THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER:

When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when
toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side
down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the
back of a cat.
When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the
ground, probably into eternity. A “buttered-cat array” could
replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and “giant buttered-cat arrays” could easily allow a high-speed monorail to link between New York with Chicago.