Runner Up Number 9 is: Jason Jinks of Slidell, Louisiana. This good ol' boy was driving down the road when his hat flew out the window. Jinks, who had been drinking whiskey and taking pills while driving, stopped the car, opened the door, leaned out, and started backing up – at 25 to 30 miles per hour. In the dark, holding the door open. And not wearing a seat belt. When he saw the hat, he slammed the brakes – causing him slide out of the open door and land – fatally – on his head. Jinks promises in his next life, he'll pay attention during high school physics class.

Number 8: Ricardo Enamorado. The 30-year-old man was rescued last summer from Lake Michigan after the water scooter he was riding stalled. He was found two days later, just 500 yards off Chicago. A Coast Guard spokesman said “He was just sitting there, waiting on us to get to him.” He was treated at a hospital for sunburn and dehydration – he didn't drink any water for those two days, apparently not realizing that Lake Michigan is a freshwater lake.

Number 7: Rita Rupp of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Rita was scared about driving cross-country, but she and her husband Floyd needed to go to the east coast for a wedding. Just to be safe, Rita pre-wrote a note that she could leave for someone to find in case of trouble. The note read, “Help Kidnaped Call Highway Patrol. My Ford Van Cream & Blue” and gave the license number, her name and telephone number. During a bathroom stop in Auburn, Massachusetts, Rita accidentally dropped the note. After it was discovered, an all points bulletin was in effect for 24 hours until Floyd called his office to check on messages. His office manager asked him, “You have no idea what's going on, do you?” That diagnosis clearly also applies to Rita.

Number 6: Actress Ellia English. She wanted the role of Gloria in the film “Waiting To Exhale” so badly she gained 70 pounds to more accurately reflect the character's description. It didn't help: the part went to Loretta Devine. English said “It was heart-breaking for me, but I was happy for Loretta…. She was good. Her hips were a lot bigger than mine.” You just can't fake that kind of talent.

Runner-up Number 5: David W. Hindmarsh, of Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Police say he handed a bank teller a note saying he had a pipe bomb and wanted money. The teller told him to wait, so he got back in line. For 20 minutes. By that time, not only was the police in position outside waiting to grab him as he fled with $1,500 in cash, but cameras from local TV stations were there to record the capture for the evening news.

Number 4: Psychics in Romania. The soothsayers say they've had it with “imposters” who are “pretending to be able to tell the future and stealing our clients.” Their solution: they're forming a union. They say “Only those who can prove their ability to tell the future and lift evil spells from people will be admitted to our union.” It's a novel idea: a union that no one will ever be allowed to join.

Number 3: The New Haven, Connecticut, police department. They refused to hire police officer applicant Robert Jordan after giving him an IQ test …because he is too smart. In a lawsuit, Jordan said the city's hiring decisions are “irrational, arbitrary and capricious,” charges the city will respond to just as soon as they can figure out what they mean.

Number 2: The commissioners of Kleberg County, Texas, who voted unanimously to urge residents not to say “hello” because a local resident doesn't like the word. Leonoso Canales, 56, a flea market operator who led the drive for the county resolution, said he sees the word “hell” in the word hello, and he instead wants people to say “heaven-o”. Canales says most people don't notice the “hell” in “hello” since “it's disguised by the o, but once you see it, it will slap you in the face.” It's probably no coincidence that there's an “anal” in Canales.

The number 1 runner-up: Two men from Pasadena, Maryland. The first man is named Darwin Coates, a 21-year-old gent who shoved a .22 caliber handgun into the waistband of his pants. It accidentally went off and shot him in the …groin. While waiting for an ambulance, his friend Gregory Johnson, 32, took the gun and stuck it in his back pocket. It accidentally went off and shot him in the butt. Police were able to recover the gun without shooting themselves.

And the winners of the Skeptic Society's 1997 Dumbth Award are: Two teenaged couples in Raleigh, North Carolina. The foursome decided to rob a convenience store. While one pair went in to rob the store, the other couple waited in the getaway car. When the robbers came out with the loot, the other couple had the car doors locked, and – as the district attorney put it, were “steaming up the windows”. The young lovers told the robber couple to “be patient”. The delay was long enough for witnesses to get the car's license number, and all four were arrested. I wonder if that's what they meant when they got the idea of a quick ripoff at the Quickie Mart.