A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.

So he sets it on a table, along with a note “I spit in this beer” hoping that noone will steal it then.

Upon return, he sees another note saying “Me too!”







A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. “Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday” Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.

One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.

“Well” the guy says, “I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18”

The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say “happy birthday, happy birthday!”

The bartender asks “so which one died?”

“No one.”

“But you only ordered two drinks!”

“Yeah, well, I've given up drinking.”





A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks “this guy doesn't know the difference,” so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender: “I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!” Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip…same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: “Shay mishter, tashte this!” The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out. “It tastes like piss,” he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: “It ish. How old am I?”




A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender says, “That'll be four cents, please.”

The guy nearly spits out his beer. “Four cents?!” he says in amazement. “How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and gravy and a side order of peas?”

“Eleven cents,” says the bartender.

The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. “Wow!” he exclaims. “Where's the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?”

“Upstairs,” says the bartender, “with my wife.”

“What's he doing upstairs with your wife?” the customer asks.

“Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money,” the bartender calmly replies.





The bartender announces last call, and everyone starts to shuffle out except for one drunk at the end of the bar. The bartender walks over and tells the drunk he has to leave, but the guy just mumbles and sits there in a drunken stupor.

The bartender walks around the bar, stands up the drunk and tells him to get out, but when he lets go, the drunk just falls on the ground. The bartender is annoyed but realizes he has to do something about this drunk, so he picks him up and walks him out of the bar. He finally gets to the drunk's car, but as he props him up on the car while opening the car door, the drunk falls down and smashes his ass.

The bartender can't imagine how this guy got so drunk he can't stand up at all, but he shrugs it off and decides to drive the guy home. After about an hour of driving around and asking the drunk questions, he finally reaches the drunk's house.

He walks the drunk over to the front door, but when he lets go of the drunk to ring the door bell, the drunk falls flat on his face, hard. The door opens on an angry woman shouting, “Where have you been?!”

The bartender manages to calm the woman down and explain what happened, at which point the woman says, “Well, it was awfully nice of you to bring him home, but where's his wheelchair?



There are these three friends who get together to have a few drinks.

They talk about the night before when they decide to get drunk and find out who would do the stupidest stuff after they left the bar.

The first guys says,”I was so drunk when I got home I stepped in the door and blew chunks.“

The second guy says,”Well alls I did was dirve my new BMW into a telephone poll on the way home.“

The third guy says,”You guys think that is bad? I went home got into a huge fight wth my wife, knocked over a candle, and burnt the house down.“

All the guys chuckle for a bit. Then they try to decide who did the stupidest thing.

The first says,”I don't think you guys understand. Chunks is my DOG
!




Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at the table behind them begins to cough weakly. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she's in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

“Kin ya swaller?” asks one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head in the negative.

“Kin ya breathe?” asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head No again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman into a violent spasm; the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, “Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I never seen anybody do it.”