A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, “I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her”







A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies, “I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That's from your grandma.”







Hiram answers the telephone, and it's an emergency room
doctor.

The doctor says, “Your wife was in a serious car accident, and
I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost
all use of both arms and both legs, and will be on a respirator
the rest of her life.”

Hiram says, “My God. What's the good news?”

The doctor says, “I'm kidding. She's dead.”










Two cab drivers met.
“Hey,” asked one, “what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?”
“Well,” the other responded, “when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.”