Hver er munurinn á Hafnfirðingi og banana?
Svar: Bananinn þroskast en Hafnfirðingurinn ekki!

Hvað eiga Hafnfirðingur og banani sameiginlegt?
Svar: Það er eitthvað bogið við þá báða

Prison & Work
Top 10 differences between prison and work


1.
In prison… you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell;
At work… you spend the majority of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.


2.
In prison… you get three meals a day;
At work… you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.


3.
In prison… you get time off for good behavior;
At work- you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.


4.
In prison… the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you;
At work… you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.


5.
In prison… you can watch TV and play games;
At work… you get fired for watching TV and playing games.


6.
In prison… you get your own toilet;
At work… you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.


7.
In prison… they allow your family and friends to visit;
At work… you can't even speak to your family.


8.
In prison… all expenses are paid by the tax-payers with no work required;
At work…. you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.


9.
In prison… you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
At work… you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.


10.
In prison… you must deal with sadistic wardens;
At work…they're called managers.

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.


You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life,
and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. WHAT DID HE SAY?


He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”


Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day #180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day #181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day #182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!



EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY:

DAY #752 -
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY #761 -
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.
DAY #765 -
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY #768 -
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called shampoo. What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY #771 -
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call beer. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY #774 -
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…

Ef þú strandaðir á eyðieyju í mánuð…


Á eyðieyju einni fjarri allri mannabyggð (auðvitað) strandaði skip en á skipinu var fólk samankomið af ólíkum þjóðernum. En það var ekki fyrr en mánuði síðar sem greyið fólkið fannst og hafði þá ýmislegt á daga þeirra drifið…


Strandaglóparnir voru:
2 ítalskir karlar og ein ítölsk kona
2 franskir karlar og ein frönsk kona
2 þýskir karlar og ein þýsk kona
2 grískir karlar og ein grísk kona
2 breskir karlar og ein bresk kona
2 búlgarskir karlar og ein búlgörsk kona
2 japanskir karlar og ein japönsk kona
2 kínverskir karlar og ein kínversk kona
2 bandarískir karlar og ein bandarísk kona
2 írskir karlar og ein írsk kona
2 íslenskir karlar og 1 íslensk kona


Mánuði síðar á þessari sömu eyju höfðu eftirfarandi atburðir átt sér stað:


Annar Ítalinn drap hinn vegna ítölsku konunnar.


Frönsku mennirnir og franska konan lifa í sátt og samlyndi.


Þjóðverjarnir hafa komið sér upp mjög stífu vikulegu fyrirkomulagi um að heimsækja þýsku konuna.


Grikkirnir sofa hjá hverjum öðrum á meðan gríska konan þrífur og eldar handa þeim.


Bretarnir bíða enn eftir að einhver kynni þá fyrir ensku konunni.


Búlgararnir horfðu lengi á sjóndeildarhringinn og svo á búlgörsku konuna og stungu sér síðan til sunds.


Japanirnir sendu símbréf til Tokýó og bíða enn leiðbeininga.


Kínverjarnir hafa komið upp apóteki, vínbúð, veitingastað og þvottahúsi og kínverska konan er barnshafandi af völdum “þeirra” því starfsmenn vantar.


Bandaríkjamennirnir eru á barmi taugaáfalls því bandaríska konan kvartar í sífellu yfir líkamsvextinum sínum; yfir eðli konunnar; hvernig hún er fær um að gera hvaðeina sem þeir geta; nauðsyn þess að lifa fullnægjandi lífi; jafnri skiptingu á heimilisverkum; hvernig sandurinn og pálmatréin valda því að hún virðist feitari; hvernig síðasti kærastinn virti skoðanir hennar og kom betur fram við hana en þeir tveir; hve samband hennar við móður sína verður betra með degi hverjum og að lokum hve skattarnir eru lágir og að það skuli aldrei rigna.


Írarnir tveir hafa skipt eyjunni í norður og suður og sett upp landamæri. Þeir minnast ekki hvort til kynlífs hafi komið því það er allt í móðu eftir fyrstu lítrana af kókosviskíinu. En þeir eru sáttir því Bretarnir eru ekki að njóta sín.


Íslendingarnir væru orðnir stórskuldugir við verslanir og veitingahús Kínverjanna og á brugghús Íranna. Íslenska konan væri búin að sofa hjá ítölsku, frönsku og amerísku karlmönnunum á meðan íslensku karlmennirnir væru búnir að reikna út að þeir væru fallegastir, sterkastir, gáfaðastir og fjölmennastir miðað við höfðatölu.