Did you hear the one about the Mountain Goats in the Andes? It was Ba a a a a a d!

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One…men will screw anything.

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
A. He sold his soul to Santa.

They asked the Japanese visitor if they have elections in his country.

“Every Morning” he answers.

Q: What did the blind person say when given some matzah?
A: Who the hell wrote this?


Q. What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A. A carrot.


Q. What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?
A. Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.


A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram. He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: “Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow.”
The clerk says, “You can add another ‘Bow wow’ for the same price.”

The dog responded, “Now wouldn't that sound a little silly?”


Q: If a person who speaks three languages is called “tri-lingual,” and a person who speaks two languages is called “bi-lingual,” what do call a person who only speaks one language?
A: American!


Q:What's the difference between a MacIntosh and an Etch-A-Sketch?
A:You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.


How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's not funny.

“May I take your order?” the waiter asked.
“Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special sir,” he replied. “We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.”


Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
“Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.”
“But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school.”
“Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school.”
“One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me,”
“Oh! that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school,”


“Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?”

“One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal of the school.”


A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station…


A couple has been married for 75 years. For the husband's 95th birthday, his wife decides to surprise him by hiring a prostitute. That day, the doorbell rings. The husband uses his walker to get to the door and opens it.

A 21-year-old in a latex outfit smiles and says, “Hi, I here to give you super sex!”

The old man says, “I'll take the soup.”



A man, recently completing a routine physical examination receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.” The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.” The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.” The man replies, “Shit! That's the good news? Then what's the bad news?”
The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”


A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I'm 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”
The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I'm Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“I'm telling everybody.”


An old Scotsmen is sitting with a younger Scottish gentleman and says the boy. “Ah, lad look out that window. You see that stone wall there, I built it with me own bare hands, placed every stone meself. But do they call me MacGregor the wall builder? No!
He Takes a few sips of his beer then says, ”Aye, and look out on that lake and eye that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail but do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No!

He continues…“And lad, you see that road? That too I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call MacGregor the road builder? No!” Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, then says, “Agh, but you screw one sheep…”


A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, “Religion?” The man says, “Methodist.” St. Peter looks down his list, and says, “Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. “Religion?” “Baptist.” “Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”

A third man arrives at the gates. “Religion?” “Jewish.” “Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.” The man says, “I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?” St. Peter tells him, “Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.


An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, ”Oh God, I'm screwed.“
The sky darkens and a voice booms out, ”No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.“

So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives…

The voice booms out again, ”Okay ….. NOW you're screwed.“


A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, ”Hey, I got this great Polish Joke…“
The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: ”Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers“

”Okay“ says the customer,”I'll tell it very slowly.“


A man and Cindy Crawford get stranded on a desert island. After a couple of days they fall in love and start sleeping together. Time pass the man seems frustrated, Cindy asks if there is anything she can do? He says there is one thing, ”Could you put on this baseball cap and go to the other side of the island and answer me when I call you Bob?“ She agrees. Next day he is walking on the other side of the island, runs into her and says ”Hi Bob!“
She says ”Hello, what's up?“

He replies: ”Bob you won't believe it: I've been sleeping with Cindy Crawford for the past two weeks!!!!“


The graduate with a Science degree asks, ”Why does it work?“
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, ”How does it work?“

The graduate with an Accounting degree Asks, ”How much will it cost?“

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, ”Do you want fries with that?“


Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, he says to the honor guardsman, ”These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary.“
The guardsman replies, ”Nice trade, Sir.“


A man piloting a hot air balloon discovers he has wandered off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon further and shouts ”Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?“
The man below says: ”Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field.“

”You must work in Information Technology,“ says the balloonist.

”Yes I do,“ replies the man. ”And how did you know that?“

”Well,“ says the balloonist, ”what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone.“

The man below says, ”You must work in management.“

”I do,“ replies the balloonist, ”how did you know?“

”Well,“ says the man, ”you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault!“


What's the difference between a used tire and 365 used condoms?
One's a Goodyear, the other's a great year.


A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. ”Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length.“

This guys wife asks, ”Honey if I died would you remarry?“ and he replies, ”Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would.“
She then asks, ”If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?“ and he replies, ”We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would.“

”If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?“ and he says, ”That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would.“

So she asks, ”If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?“

”Oh no, she's left handed.“


One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, ”Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.“
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. ”Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her.“

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, ”Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June.“

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. ”Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this.“

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

”Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married,“ he complained. ”Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.“

His mother just shook her head. ”Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father.“


A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
”Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!“, he whined.

”You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!“ retorted the officer. ”You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!“

”Oh my gaaaad…“, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. ”Where's my Rolex???!!!!“


President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.

”What is it?“ exclaims the President.

”It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?“ the aide replies.

”Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.