Hérna er lítill póstur handa öllum ykkur sem eigið erfitt með að opna marga mismunandi brandara á sama deginum.
Q: What's green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit's fingers.
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A 75-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:
“Well, doc, it's like this…First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!”
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- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
- What's another word for -thesaurus?-
- When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
- When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child… eventually.
- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, -Cut it out!-
- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think, -Hey, maybe I wrote that.-
- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly)… and says, -Here, you can go.- I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
- I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
- I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, -I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.-
- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
- I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and… oohh, that's much better.
- I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
- I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
- It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room- temperature.
- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
- You can't have everything… where would you put it?
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, -Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.- He said, -Yes, but not in a row.-
- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, -Have you got anything I'd like?- Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, -Extra medium.-
- While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, -Do I know you?-
- I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
- On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.
- I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?- -Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long.-
- One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, -Didn't you see the stop sign?- I said, -Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.-
- The judge asked, -What do you plead?- I said, -Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?-
- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.
- For a while I didn't have a car… I had a helicopter… no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [Slow glance upward.]
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
- Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, -Did you sleep good?- I said, -No, I made a few mistakes.-
- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said, -Hello, Information.- I said, -I can't find my socks.- She said, -They're behind the couch.-
- I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
- I was born by Caesarian section… but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
- Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
“WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
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Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer.
“Miss Bea,” he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this.” Pointing to the bowl.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn't it wonderful? I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working. I haven't had a cold all winter!”
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A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced “a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds.”
Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of “Wow!” are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Ten pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled, concerned. “Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
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A woman walks into Target to return a faulty toaster she just purchased the day before. She walks up to the Customer Service counter and slams the toaster down. The pimple-faced boy looks up and says,“Welcome to Target. May I help you?” The woman glares at him and says, “I'd like to return this toaster I bought yesterday.” The boy, looking puzzled, asks,“Ok, ma'am. Do you have your receipt?” She shakes her head no. The clerk then says,“I'm sorry ma'am, without a receipt, you cannot make a return.” The woman begins to yell,“Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!” The boy is embarrassed and confused. He looks around and spots his manager; frantically, he beckons him over. “Sir, this lady would like to return this toaster she bought yesterday.” The manager looks at the woman and says,“Do you have a receipt?” Once again, the woman says no. “I'm sorry, the Target policy states that we cannot take returns without a receipt.” Suddenly, the woman begins to shout again, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!” The manager looks at her and says,“Why do you keep saying to grab your breasts?” The woman looks at him and says,“Because, I like to have my breasts grabbed when I'm getting fucked!”
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One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, he and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.
The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says, “OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money.”
No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says, “OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house.”
Still no one moves. “OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes.”
Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. “OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own.”
“Splash!” Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him.
“That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?” “I don't want the money.”
“Do you want the house now or later?” “I don't want the house.”
“Do you want the cars and planes now or later? ” “I don't want the cars or planes.”
“Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?” “I don't want that either.”
“Do you want the drugs now or later?” “I don't want the drugs.”
“Do you want the girls now or later?” “I don't want the girls.”
The rich guy looks at him and says “Well, what the hell do you want?!?!” “I want the bastard that pushed me in.”
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“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people” -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
“They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.” -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
“The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.” -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
“We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
“I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.” -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
“When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.” -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
“It's like deja vu all over again.” -Yogi Berra
“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese” -Former French President Charles De Gaulle
“The loss of life will be irreplaceable.” -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.” -A congressional candidate in Texas
“It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody.” - Richard M. Nixon
“The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.” -Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.” -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
“A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.” -Everett Dirksen
“A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.” -Samuel Goldwyn
“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. ” -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values
“I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” -John Wayne
“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
“It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
“Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.” -General William Westmoreland
“What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.” -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line “a mind is a terrible thing to waste”
“If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.” -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
“I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.” -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
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“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana….The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.” - Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
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Question: “If you could live forever, would you and why?”
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.” -Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
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“I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.” -David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
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“Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.” -Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
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“I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” -Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
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“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
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“Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued…Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.” -Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
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“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history… this century's history….We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.” -Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust
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“Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.” -Chicago Rotary Club journal, “Gyrator”
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“The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.” -Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
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“I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.” -Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries
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“After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.” -Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
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“The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.” -Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series
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A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.
Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “So where are you flying to today?” She turns and smiles and says, “To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”
Whoa! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “And what's your role at this convention?” She flips her long hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, “Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really”, he says, swallowing hard, again. “And what myths are those?” She explains: “Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average.”
“Very interesting” the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. “I'm sorry,” she says, “I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name.” The man extends his hand and replies, “Tonto, Tonto Goldstein.”
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A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was “OCCUPIED”. The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked “WW, WA, PP and ATR”.
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked “WW” and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, “WOW, the women really have it made!”. Still curious, he pressed the button marked “WA” and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked “PP” yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked “ATR”.
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, “What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!” The nurse replied, “Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the ”ATR“ button which stands for utomatic Tampon Remover… Your penis is under your pillow!”
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An enterprising mayor of the city of Granby, Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise to many unusual events.
Last September one of the star attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape, escaped to the dismay of the zoo director. The matter was a serious one because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing them.
The zoo director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the secretary to the mayor asked, “Have you looked in the yellow pages”? The director said he hadn't, but would, immediately.
To his surprise, under “animal capturing service” he found a listing for the Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately.
Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo and a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door.
“Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?”, the little man asked. The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo. “Hop in the truck”, the little man said. The director did and they drove off.
Minutes later they arrived at a small grove and immediately spotted Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the ground.
The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and the little man opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles.
The little man reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a baseball bat.
“Now,” the little man said, “I'm going up into the tree with the baseball bat, and I'm going to knock the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well trained, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you snap the handcuffs on and we've got him.
The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said ”I'm not too sure about this – what's the gun for?“
The little man said, ”Look, I'm an expert. I know what I'm doing and things will go just fine, after all, I have the baseball bat. I know my job and it'll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!“
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A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named ”Clint“, and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, ”You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?“
Clint says, ”I want to see my horse.“ The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, ”Typical white man - can only think of one thing.“ The second day, the chief says, ”What your wish today?“
Clint says, ”I want to see my horse again.“ The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, ”Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.“
The last day comes, and the chief says, ”This your last wish, white man. What you want?“ Clint says, ”I want to see my horse again.“ The Indians bring him his horse. Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, ”Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!“
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One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven and meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, ”You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know.“ The cat thinks for a moment and says, ”Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.“ The Lord stops the cat and says, ”Say no more,“ and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, ”All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run any more?“ The Lord says, ”Say no more,“ and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, ”How are things since you have been here?“ The cat stretches and yawns and replies, ”It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!
-
An enterprising mayor of the city of Granby, Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise to many unusual events.
Last September one of the star attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape, escaped to the dismay of the zoo director. The matter was a serious one because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing them.
The zoo director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the secretary to the mayor asked, “Have you looked in the yellow pages”? The director said he hadn't, but would, immediately.
To his surprise, under “animal capturing service” he found a listing for the Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately.
Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo and a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door.
“Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?”, the little man asked. The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo. “Hop in the truck”, the little man said. The director did and they drove off.
Minutes later they arrived at a small grove and immediately spotted Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the ground.
The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and the little man opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles.
The little man reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a baseball bat.
“Now,” the little man said, “I'm going up into the tree with the baseball bat, and I'm going to knock the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well trained, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you snap the handcuffs on and we've got him.
The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said ”I'm not too sure about this – what's the gun for?“
The little man said, ”Look, I'm an expert. I know what I'm doing and things will go just fine, after all, I have the baseball bat. I know my job and it'll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!“
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There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, ”Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.“
The guy with the Chihuahua says, ”We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.“ The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, ”Just follow my lead.“ They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, ”Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.“
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, ”You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.“ The guy at the door says, ”A Doberman Pinscher?“ He says, ”Yes, they're using them now, they're very good.“ The guy at the door says, ”Come on in.“ The guy with the Chihuahua figures, ”What the hell,“ so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, ”Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.“ The guy with the Chihuahua says, ”You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.“ The guy at the door says, ”A Chihuahua?“ The guy with the Chihuahua says, ”You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?“
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A koala bear was approached by a prostitute, since he had never been with one before, he was curious and excited. They spent the night together in a hotel, and he went down on her the next morning one last time before departing. As he was heading for the door, the prostitute yelled, ”Hey, what about my money?“ The koala turned, gave her a puzzled look and shrugged his shoulders. She said, ”Come here“, and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word ”prostitute“ and its definition, ”Has sex and gets paid.“ Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word ”koala“ and showed her, ”Eats bush and leaves“
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After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, ”I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.“
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, ”If you don't believe me then watch,“ as he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says, ”Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.“
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, ”What lobsters?“
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A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horny.
One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find.
As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he had promised himself he would take the first thing he could get, he grabbed the lion and screwed it.
Just as the gorilla finished, the lion awoke and was really pissed. The lion started chasing the gorilla through the zoo and was beginning to gain on him. The gorilla turned a corner and saw a park bench with a newspaper on it. Thinking quickly, the gorilla sat down on the bench and held the newspaper in front of him like he was reading it.
When the lion turned the corner he stopped at the park bench. Not knowing what was behind the newspaper he asked the reader if he had seen a gorilla run by. From behind the paper, the gorilla said, ”You mean the one that screwed the lion?“ The lion shook his head and shouted, ”Oh No! It's already in the papers!“
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Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big hole. ”Wow . . . that looks deep.“ ”Sure does . . . toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.“ They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait . . . no noise ”Man. That is REALLY deep . . . here . . . throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.“ They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait . . . and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, ”Hey . . . over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise. The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen . . . Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. “Hey . . . you two guys seen my goat out here?” “You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!” “Nah”, say the farmer, “That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.
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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The guy sits at the bar, and starts talking to the bartender. While they're talking, the monkey walks over to the pool table, and eats one of the pool balls.
The bartender says to the guy, ”What's wrong with your monkey? He just ate one of the pool balls!“
The guy replies, ”I can't help it. He eats anything and everything, and there doesn't seem to be a thing I can do to stop it.“ He then picks up the monkey, and leaves.
A few days later, the guy shows up at the bar and again, he's got the monkey with him. This time, the monkey sits down at the bar, grabs a peanut from a dish, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it back out and eats it.
The bartender says to the guy, ”What the heck is he doing now?“ The guy answers, ”He still pretty much eats everything, but after the ball incident a few days ago, he checks to make sure it will fit before he eats it.“
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One day a lonely truck driver was carrying a load of live chickens. His only companion being a talking parrot. A few miles down the road, he saw a woman hitchhiking. So he pulled over and she climbed up into the cab. Saying she only wanted a ride to the next town, he informed her ”no fuck, no ride.“ So she graciously climbed back out of the truck. A few miles down the road he saw a woman standing alongside the road topless. Again he pulled over, and again the same stipulation, ”no fuck, no ride.“ Yet again he was turned down. Growing more desperate, a few miles later, he came across a woman standing completely naked. Yet again he pulled over, gave her the rule. and she accepted! So he put the parrot in the back, did his thing with her, dropped her off in the next town and proceeded on his way. A mile out of town he got pulled over by the cops. As the cop walked up to the truck he grew nervous, fearing the cop knew what took place. ” what seems to be the problem officer?“ He asked. ”Well, your driving is excellent son,“ he replied,” my only problem is the parrot throwing your chickens off the back saying, ‘No Fuck, No Ride.’“
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When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.
”Listen up!“ Noah said with a demanding voice. ”There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons.
I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back.“
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. ”Quick!“ he said, ”Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!“ Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, ”Sorry, no land yet.“ ”Damn!“, exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, ”What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?“
”Look!“, said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, ”I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!“
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3 Labrador retrievers (chocolate, yellow and black colored) are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, ”So why are you here?“ He replies, ”I'm a pisser. I piss on everything – the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.“ The black lab says, ”So what is the vet going to do?“ ”Gonna give me Prozac“, came the reply from the chocolate lab. ”All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything.“ He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, ”Why are you here?“ The yellow lab says, ”I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.“ ”So what are they going to do to you?“ the black lab inquired. ”Looks like Prozac for me too“, the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. ”I'm a humper“, the black lab says. ”I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.“ The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, ”So, Prozac for you too, huh?“ The black lab says, ”No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.“
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A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup, drove down to the woods, and shagged them all.
The next day he called the vet again, and asked how he would know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked not even one was lying down. So he loaded them up in his pickup again, drove them to the woods, and shagged them all again.
To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck, drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time.
By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says, ”Hmmm - that's weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn“.
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A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, ”Dad, am I pure polar bear?“ The dad replies, ”Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear.“
Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, ”Mom, am I pure polar bear?“ She answers, ”Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear.“
Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, ”Grandmom…Grandpop…am I all polar bear?“ His grandmother answers, ”Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?“
The baby polar bears replies, ”Because I'm fucking freezing!“
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A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: ”I have just the rooster for you“. ”Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!“
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. ”Randy“, he said, ”I'm counting on you to do your stuff“. And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out ”Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself“. But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying ”Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy“.
”Shhhhh“ Randy whispered, ”The buzzard's getting closer.“
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A man spent his entire life savings on his pride and joy An E-type Jaguar. So he took it onto the motorway to see how fast it would go. He was in the middle lane doing a cool 80mph when a chicken ran up besides him in the outer lane. The chicken looked at him, gave him the finger and overtook him. The man was not going to have this happen in his new car and changed down to 3rd gear and took up pursuit.
At 100mph the man pulled level with the chicken whose legs were now just a blur. The chicken once again gave the man the finger and pulled away from the man. To the mans amazement this happened again at 120mph and again at 140mph.
Finally the chicken lifted his left wing and indicated off the motorway. The man had to know what kind of chicken could run at such speeds so he too pulled off the motorway and followed the chicken. Up an A-road Up a B road Up a narrow lane and into a farm yard. Zoom !!! Straight into the chicken hut.
There was a farmer propping up a pitchfork in the middle of the yard so the man pulled up and spoke to him.
”I've just been overtaken on the motorway by one of your chickens. It was doing over 100mph! What kind of chicken is it?“
”Well“ said the farmer, ”On Sunday at lunchtime I likes a leg, me wife likes a leg and me son Jethro likes a leg. So we genetically designed a three legged chicken!“
”What a good idea“ replied the man. ”What do they taste like?“
”Fuck knows“ grunted the farmer ”Never ever caught one!“
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A lady approaches her priest and tells him, ”Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.“
”What do they say?“ the priest inquired. ”They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. ‘Want to have some fun?’“
”That's terrible!“ the priest exclaimed, ”but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.“
”Thank you!“ the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,”Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?“
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, ”Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!“
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Once upon a time, there were three moles living together in a mole-hole, a Papa Mole, a Mama Mole, and a Baby Mole. One morning, the Papa Mole got up and stuck his head out of the mole-hole.
”Mmm…“ he said, ”I smell pancakes!“
The Mama Mole got up and stuck her head out of the mole-hole and said, ”Mmm…. I smell butter!“
The Baby Mole wanted to smell for himself, but he was much too short, but he took a whiff anyway and said, ”Mmm…. I smell molasses!“
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A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, ”I think I can stand over the hole!“ So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, ”Grab for my dick and pull yourself up.“ The the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.
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penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good-natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, ”It looks like you blew a seal.“ Blushing, the penguin said, ”Oh no! It's just ice cream.“
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Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female, ”Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales.“ The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or using lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells, ”They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!“ Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: ”HEY!“, she says, ”I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!“
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A guy is at the bar talking to the bartender. The discussion goes on about the most shots of tequila in a row ever done in the bar without throwing up. The bartender tells him that the record is ten straight. The man laughs and says, ”I can do that, no problem.“ So the bartender sets up 11 shots on the bar for the man. The man looks, laughs and quickly downs all 11 in about 5 minutes. Everyone in the bar watches in anticipation waiting for him to throw it up but he doesn't. Eventually, he staggers out the door and gets into a cab. The next evening that same man comes back to the bar looking very worn out, and orders a ginger ale. The bartender looks at him and says, ”What, no more tequila?“ The man looks up and says, ”Not for a while my friend. You see, when I got home last night, the room started spinning and I blew chunks.“ The bartender says, ”Blowing chunks is not that bad. Most people who drink that much usually throw up.“ The man replies, ”But you don't understand. Chunks is my dog!“
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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, ”I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.“ Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, ”You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.“ The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, ”Paint my house.“
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then says to the bar tender, ”I'll bet you one-hundred bucks that I can pee in this cup from straight across the room.“ The bar tender says, ”You're on.“ The guy then buys two more drinks, and puts his money on the table. The guy then goes across the room and pees all over the place not once getting it in the cup. The bar tender takes the money and smiles. The guy smiles back at him. The bar tender asks, ”Why are you smiling? You just lost one-hundred bucks.“ The guy then says, ”I bet everyone else in the bar one-thousand dollars that I could pee all over the place and make you smile!“
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It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the ”honey month“ - or what we know today as the ”honeymoon“.
Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase ”rule of thumb“.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase ”mind your P's and Q's“.
Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers ”were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer“.
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term ”berserk“ means ”bare shirt“ in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term ”grog“ soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were ”groggy“, a word still in use today.
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. ”Wet your whistle“, is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As the bartender serves him, the man looks down and sees a chimpanzee sitting on a barstool at the end of the bar. So he says to the bartender, ”Hey man, what's with the chimp?“ The bartender laughs and says, ”Watch this!“ The bartender walks over to the chimp, turns it around on the barstool and punches the chimp right in the mouth, knocking it off the barstool. The chimp gets up off the floor, pulls down the bartender's zipper and gives the bartender a blowjob. The customer says, ”Wow!! Can I try that?“ ”Sure thing,“ says the bartender. ”Great,“ says the customer, ”But don't hit me as hard as you hit the chimp.“
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Three guys are having a drink at the bar when a drunk comes stumbling in off the street. The drunk points at the tallest guy in the middle and exclaims in a loud voice, ”Hey you! I screwed your mother rotten last night!“ The guy in the middle shrugs and continues his conversation with his friends. Frustrated by the lack of response, the drunk stumbles back into the street. A few minutes later the drunk stumbles into the same bar, points a grimy finger at the same guy and yells, ”Did you hear me, asshole?! I said I fucked your mother last night and she was great!“. Finally, the tall guy in middle responds, ”I know dad! I heard you the first time now go home!“
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One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then the man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. By this time everyone had left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. However, the police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. With a smile on his face, the driver replied, ”Tonight, I'm the designated decoy!“
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You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. –Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. –Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. –Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer. –Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. –Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. –W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. –Lady Astor to Winston Churchill; Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. –His reply
Sir, you're drunk! –Lady Astor to Winston Churchill; Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly. –His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. –David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class. –Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. –Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. –Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. –Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. –Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. –Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. –David Moulton
People who drink light ”beer“ don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot. –Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. –Kaiser Welhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. –Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. –Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting. –George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer. –Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. –For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. –Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. –Homer Simpson
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Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says, ”I had the worst Freudian Slip the other day.“
The other man responds, ”What is a Freudian Slip?“
”You know, it's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about. Like the other day I was at the airport and this really beautiful lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I asked her for ‘to Pickets to Tittsburgh.“
The second replies, ”Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It’s like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the Orange Juice, and instead I said, “YOU RUINED MY LIFE BITCH!”
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There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and –WHACK!!– knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.” The little guy thinks “GEEZ,” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, “That was a judo chop from Japan.” So the little guy has had enough of this… He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and –Bong!!!“–bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, ”When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.“
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A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, ”Is your date running late?“
”No“, he replies, ”I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.“
The intrigued woman says, ”A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?“
”It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,“ he explains.
”What's it telling you now?“
”Well, it says you're not wearing any panties…“
The woman giggles and replies, ”Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!“
The man explains, ”Damn thing must be an hour fast.“
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There was a tourist sitting in a New York bar having a drink, when another guy walks over to him and asks, ”Have you heard of the New York updrafts?“
The tourist responds, ”No“.
The guy says, ”Well, finish your beer and meet me on top of that building in a half-an-hour.“
Thirty minutes later they both meet on top of the building. The guy says to the tourist, ”Watch this!“, and he jumps off the building and floats back onto the ledge. The tourist says, ”Do it again!!“. So the guy jumps off and floats back onto the ledge.
The tourist says, ”If you do it one more time I'll do it.“ So the guy jumps off for a third time and floats back onto the ledge.
The tourist then jumps off the building and hits the pavement. Two guys walk by the building, look up and say, ”Damn Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk.“
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A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, ”You're not going to believe this, but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know you're not me!“ His friend agrees and goes out to his car. They climb into the back seat and start going at it. A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside. ”What the hell do you two think you're doing?“ The guy says, ”Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife.“ The cop says, ”Oh, sorry, I didn't know.“ The guy says ”Neither did I until you shined that light in here.“
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A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front. He goes around the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the ass of the other.
”So, what's going on here?“, the cop asks.
The biker replies, ”My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit.“
The cop says, ”I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!“
The biker replies, ”That's what I'm going to do next!“
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A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, ”What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?“
The man said, ”We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month.“
The bartender said, ”That should make you happy.“
The man sadly shook his head and said, ”Not when the month is up today!“
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, ”Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?“
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, ”No, I won't sleep with you tonight!“ Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, ”I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.“
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, ”What do you mean, $200?“
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This Guy who owns a porno shop and has his friend watch the store while he runs some errands. While the owner is away in walks this red head lady. She walks up to the counter and asks, ”How much for that pink dildo up on the shelf?“ The guy replies, ”$25.“ She said, ”I'll take it!“ A few minutes later in walks this brunette. She walks up to the counter and asks, ”How much for that purple dildo up on the shelf?“ The guy replies, ”$50.“ She said, ”I'll take it.“ A while later this blonde walks in. Her eyes got as big as saucers. She walked up to the counter and asked, ”How much for that big silver dildo on the shelf?“ The guy replies, ”$100.“ She pays him and leaves. In walks the owner and asks how business was doing, and his friend replies, ”I sold the pink dildo for $25, I sold the purple dildo for $50, and I sold your THERMOS for a $100."
Hugi notar vefkökur til að bæta notendaupplifun á vefsíðunni og greina umferð um hana.
Einnig hefur Hugi uppfært persónuverndarstefnu sína.