A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver : I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver : It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver : That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver : Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver : Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation………..

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver : Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver : It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver : Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver : No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver : Yeah, I'll bet the lying turkey told you I was speeding, too.








A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, ‘Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?’
Farmer: ‘Some things you just can’t explain.’
Man: ‘So what happened that is so horrible?’
Farmer: ‘Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over’
Man: ‘That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?’
Farmer: ‘Some things you just can’t explain. ‘
Man: ‘So then what happened?’
Farmer: ‘I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. ‘
Man: ‘Again? So what did you do then?’
Farmer: ‘I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. ‘
Man: ‘And then what.’
Farmer: ‘I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.’
Man: ‘Wow, you must have been pretty upset.’
Farmer: ‘~’
Man: ‘So then what did you do?’
Farmer: ‘Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.’









Palli fékk páfagauk í afmælisgjöf og komst fljótt að því að sá var með afbrigðum skapvondur og orðljótur. Palli gerði allt sem honum datt í hug til að venja fuglinn af þessum ósið, hann notaði sjálfur eintóm kurteisisorð, spilaði hugljúfar ballöður fyrir hann og reyndi með því að sýna honum gott fordæmi. Ekkert gekk upp. Hann prófaði að skamma fuglinn sem svaraði honum fullum hálsi. Hann hristi búrið en gaukurinn varð bara enn skapverri og dónalegri við það. Palli vissi nú ekki sitt rjúkandi ráð og í örvæntingu sinni tók hann fuglinn og setti hann í frystikistuna. Um stundarsakir heyrðust ógurleg læti úr kistunni, fuglinn sparkaði og öskraði og bölvaði, en skyndilega datt allt í dúnalogn og ekki eitt einasta hljóð heyrðist í langan tíma. Palli fór nú að óttast að hann hefði meitt fuglinn og flýtti sér að opna kistuna. Páfagaukurinn var hins vegar hinn rólegasti, steig upp á útrétta hönd Palla og sagði: “Að undanförnu hefur hegðun mín og orðbragð ekki verið til eftirbreytni og sennilegast orðið til að móðga þig. Ég mun þegar í stað taka mig rækilega á og breyta þessari hegðun minni. Mér þykir verulega leitt hvernig ég hef látið og mig langar til að biðja þig innilega fyrirgefningar.” Palli varð orðlaus af undrun og var um það bil að fara að stama upp spurningu um hvað hefði valdið breytingunni þegar páfagaukurinn hélt áfram: "Bara svona fyrir forvitni sakir, hvað gerði kjúklingurinn eiginlega?