There was this man walking on the beach and he found a bottle. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, “I will grant you 3 wishes.”
The man said, “No Shit!”

Then he all of a sudden had to use the bathroom but couldn't because there was a big cork in his ass.

A blonde comes home and finds her mom dead on the floor.
But she goes to work, and starts crying and her boss asks, “What's wrong?”

She says, “Well, my mom died.”

He told her to go home but she said, “No, I'll be fine.”

About an hour later her boss finds her crying again. He says, “What's wrong?”

And she says, “Well, I just talked to my sister, and her mom died too!”

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
“My son,” the first one says, “started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!”
“My son,” said the second, “started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!”

“My son,” said the third, “started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock.”

“Well,” the fourth guy said, “my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday.”


Lem: ‘'I got fired from my job as a bank guard.’'
Clem: ‘'That’s awful. What happened?''

Lem: ‘'Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I’d let him have it.''

Clem: ‘'What did thief do then?’'

Lem: ‘'He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn’t want that stupid gun anyhow!''