An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after
arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis
covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes
to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: “I've got bad
news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here. We know very little about it.” The man looks a little
perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc”.
The doctor answers: “I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to
amputate your penis”. The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a
second opinion”. The doctor replies: “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if
you want, but surgery is your only choice”.
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know
more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:
“Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease”. The guy says to the doctor:
“Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor
wants to operate and amputate my penis?” The Chinese doctor shakes his
head and laughs: “Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more
money, that way. No need to opelate!” “Oh, Thank God!”, the man replies.
“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off
by itself! You save money”

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Ungur maður lenti í þeirri óþægilegu aðstöðu að hætta að ná honum upp svo
hann fer til læknis. Læknirinn segir honum að vöðvarnir sem stjórni
blóðflæðinu niður í liminn séu ónýtir og það sé ekkert sem hægt sé að gera
nema að hann sé tilbúinn að prófa tilraunaaðgerð. Hann spyr hvernig aðgerð
það sé og læknirinn útskýrir það fyrir honum:
“Við tökum vöðva úr rana fílsunga og græðum þá í stað ónýtu vöðvanna og
vonum það besta.”
Honum finnst þetta allt hljóma hálf óhugnalega, en tilhugsunin við að geta
aldrei stundað kynlíf framar verður yfirsterkari
Sex vikum síðar er komið að því að prófa græjuna og býður hann kærustunni í
því tilefni út að borða. Á veitingastaðnum finnur hann allt í einu ótrúlega
pressu á félaganum, hann er að fá standpínu dauðans. Hann ákveður að renna
aðeins niður klaufinni til að losa um hann.

Um leið og hann opnar fyrir klaufina, sprettur félaginn út, grípur
kínarúllu af borðinu og hverfur aftur ofan í buxurnar. Kærastan hans gapir
orðlaus yfir þessu í nokkrar sekúndur og segir síðan: “Vá, geturðu gert
þetta aftur?”

“Já örugglega,” segir gaurinn eldrauður í framan, “en ég er ekki viss um að
það komist önnur kínarúlla upp í rassinn á mér.”

********************************************* *******************

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The
doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he
would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and
began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a
stand next to the exam table. A tube of K-Y jelly; A rubber glove;
and A beer. When the doctor finally came in the man said, “Look Doc,
I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is
for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the
BEER is for?”
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to
the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse……

Dammit Helen, I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!

*************************************************** *************

An Old fashioned general store owner hires a young female clerk who
wears very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters
the store glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread on
the top shelf behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt
(or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has
a brilliant idea.

“I'd like some raisin bread please,” the man says politely. The
female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread,
which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost
directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he
surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he
really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male
customer notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own
loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each
trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male
customer.

Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread. After many
trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to
have to try this bread for herself!

Finally once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes glaring at the
men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd
staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the
elderly man, “Is yours raisin, too?”

“No,” croaks the old man……But it's startin' to quiver.

*************************************************** *************

Gunni var nýkominn úr viku brúðkaupsferð, besti vinur hans spurði hvernig hefði gengið. Fyrstu nóttina gerðum við það níu sinnum. Aðra nóttina, átta sinnum. Þriðju nóttina, sjö sinnum. Fjórðu nóttina, sex sinnum. Fimmtu nóttina, fimm sinnum. Sjöttu nóttina, fjórum sinnum og síðustu nóttina, ekkert. Ekkert?, sagði vinurinn, af hverju?.
Hey, hefur þú einhvern tíman reynt að stinga sykurpúða í stöðumæli?.

**************************************** ************************

Unga stelpan var í innilegum samræðum við mömmu sína í fyrstu heimsókn hennar heim eftir að hún byrjaði í framhaldsskóla. Mamma, ég verð að segja þér dálítið, sagði stelpan. Ég missti meydóminn um síðustu helgi. Ég er ekki hissa, sagði mamman. Það hlaut að gerast fyrr eða síðar. Ég vona bara að það hafi verið rómantísk og ánægjuleg reynsla. Ja, já og nei, svaraði dóttirin. Fyrstu átta strákarnir voru frábærir, en eftir það var ég svolítið aum í píkunni.

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Ég vona að þið hafið haft gaman af þessum bröndurum:)