Death Bed:

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.

“Jake,” she said. “Hush,” he quickly interrupted, “don't talk.”

But she insisted. “Jake,” she said in her tired voice. “I have to talk. I must confess.”

“There is nothing to confess,” said the weeping Jake. It's all right. Everything's all right.“

”No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you.“

Jake stroked her hand. ”Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it,“ he sobbed.

”Why else would I poison you?“
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A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, ”I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms.“
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A man was suffering from terrible headaches. Finally he went to the doctor, who gave him a thorough examination.”Well, I'm not sure exactly what's causing the problem, but we've found a cure. You'll have to be castrated.“

The man, needless to say, was horrified. ”No, doctor, I prefer to suffer the headaches.“ But as time passed, they got worse and worse and finally he was driven back to the surgery. ”Okay, I can't stand it any longer. I'll have the operation.“ And so…he was castrated.

Afterwards the man was very depressed and his doctor told him, ”I recommend you begin a new life – start fresh from this point.“ Taking the advice, the man went to a men's shop for new clothes.

The salesman said ” Let's start with the suit. Looks like you'd take a 38 - regular.“

”That's right.“ said the man ”How did you know?“

”Well, when you have been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up. Now for the shirt, Looks like a 15 – long.“

”Exactly!“ said the man. ”And for underpants, I'd say a size 36.“

”Well, there's your first mistake,“ said the man. ”I've worn 34s for years.“

”No, you're a size 36 if ever I've seen one.“ said the salesman.

”I ought to know,“ the man replied. ”I take a 34.“

”Well, if you insist,“ said the salesman. ” But they're going to pinch your balls and give you terrible headaches.“
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Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly. Everybody starts screaming, panicking etc. Reagan shouts: ”Women and children first.“ Nixon goes: ”Fuck the women.“ Clinton replies: ”Do you think we have time?“
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GUINNESS BOOK

*Dr's Note: Ladies, tell this one to your DH :)

Seems there were these three midgets having a conversation about being in The Guiness Book of World Records.

The first dwarf says, ”Hey my hands are so small, bet I have the the smallest hands in the world!“

So he goes to so the folks at the Guiness Book of World Records and sure enough he has the smallest hands in the world.

He gets back and starts to bragging to the other dwarfs about being in the book. One of the other dwarfs says, ”Hey my feet are so small, bet I have the smallest feet in the world!“

So off he goes to see The Guiness Book of World Records people. Sure enough, he has the smallest feet in the world and goes back to brag about it to his little buddies.

The third dwarf, remember there are 3 of them in this story, looks down and says, ”Hey my dick is so small I bet I have the smallest dick in the world!“

So off he goes to see the folks at The Guiness Book of World records. He comes back all depressed though. His friends ask him, ”What? You didn't make the book?“

”No.“ the third dwarf replies. ”But does anybody know who the hell (insert name here) is?“
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A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

”Why all the attention ?“ the friend asked. ”You look fine to me.“

”I know !“ grinned the patient. ”They've been acting like this ever since they found out my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."