A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a
cigarette. “My God! How long have you been smoking?” screams the father.
“Since I lost my virginity,” replies the girl.
“You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?” shrieks the
“I don't remember,” says the girl. “I was completely drunk.”

One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.”
His friend offered, “Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various
lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat
lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new
wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd
have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he
figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three
extra-large helpings of beans, and he “put-putted” all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
“Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!”
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table,
making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel
another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the
telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one
leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped
and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to
feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the
air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the
table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on
his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence
when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He
assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled,
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.

It's Father O'Brien's night to hear confessions, and there are four nuns in
the lineup. The first nun goes into the confessional and says, “Bless me,
Father, for I have sinned, and I should let you know right off that I
touched a man with my finger!”
“Oh lass! ‘Tis nothin’, you could have been in a crowded elevator or some
similar place,” the priest says.
“Oh no, Father!” exclaims the nun. “I touched him right on his private
parts!” >
“You slut! You filthy tart!” screams the good father. “Say a hundred Hail
Mary's and dip your finger in the holy water on the way out of the church!”
Which she does.
The second nun enters the confessional and says, “Bless me, Father, for I
have sinned, and I want to say that I held a man with my hand.”
“Oh lass! ‘Tis nothin’, you might have stumbled and he lent you a hand,” the
priest says.
“Oh no, Father!” exclaims the nun. “I held his private parts right in my
“Why you slut! You whore!” roars the good Father. “Say a thousand Hail
Mary's and dip your hand in the holy water on the way out of the church!”
Which she did.
At this point, the fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and says,
“Excuse me sister, but would you mind terribly if I went ahead of you?”
“Now why would you be wantin' to do that, I wonder?” asks the third nun.
To which the fourth nun replies, “Well, it looks as if I'm going to have to
gargle with the holy water, and I want to do so before you sit in it!”

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner
of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the
administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to
take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll
consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the
Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later
that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy
goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to
wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in
the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes
back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I
think I Understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son,
tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little
boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the
Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

It is Thanksgiving Day and a family is preparing dinner awaiting the arrival
of the children's grandparents. Thomas, who is four is running around
looking for is new pair of grey socks. He ventures up to the washroom where
his mother is putting makeup on. Not realizing the boy is there she yells
“shit” when she accidently gets makeup in her eyes. Never hearing the word
before, the boy asks her, “Mommie, what does shit mean?”
The mother quickly replies, “Shit is just another word for makeup dear.”
Thomas then asks his mom if she knows where his socks are and she tells him
to go downstairs and ask his father.
The boy's father is stuffing the turkey when he cuts his finger by mistake.
He says “fuck.” The boy asks him if he's seen his socks and the father tells
him to go look in his sister's room. Before the boy leaves he asks his
father what fuck means and the father says “stuff”. “Like stuffing a
The boy goes to his sister's room and finally finds his socks in the bedroom
and puts them on just as the doorbell rings. Thomas runs down the stairs and
opens the door. He greets his grandparents by saying “Hello grandma and
grandpa, mommie is upstairs putting shit on her face and daddy is in the kitchen fucking the turkey…”

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting
like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him,“Charlie what are you doing?” And Charlie replies,
“Driving to Chicago!” The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his
imaginary car and asks, Well Charlie, how you doing?“ Charlie says, ”I just
got into Chicago“ Great,” replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and
finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
With surprise she asks, “Bob what are you doing!” Bob says… “I'm screwing
Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!”

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Project Leader


Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my

Project Leader

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and “do it” for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and
doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in.” The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, “I had no idea you were so religious.” The boy turns and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”