If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boilingwater down it's throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Your allegiance is now clear to all.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fcuking thing in the first place, you fat b@stards.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday?
Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of ‘rodeo sex’. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can ‘stay mounted’ for.